Last week I was busy finishing my nesting in my home that G_d will not let me sell. It's been 5 years since I've unpacked my pictures, and I've even got the last room, my office, organized and unpacked. The wild thing was the last box. I didn't even see this box, because it was under the poster that my Tahoe students had made me as a going away gift saying, "Sacramento is lucky to have you!" and many students put little post its with words of love and encouragement.
After I put the poster up on my wall the box was hard to miss. I didn't recognize the box, and my movers had taped is securely shut. I cut the tape with scissors and to my surprise the box was full of my ex-fiance's pictures of he and his first wife! With curiosity I looked through the pictures that I'd never seen before. Was there any hint of this man's cruelty in his youth?
I searched his face to see how I could have been so blind as to be used for 2.5 years for thrills, only to be left by a 57-year-old man, because I couldn't have children anymore and right before my Jewish conversion was complete, so he'd have to marry me. And yes, we did have that conversation that I couldn't have children 2.5 years before. No, this man had no cruelty visible. He was utterly in a selfish, fantasy world. Unfortunately, I had to do the mitzvah of returning this lost item to him, and soon because he was leaving to Israel forever at the end of the month.
Now I know that G_d timed this for me to find this box at this time for a reason, so I decided to go with the flow and follow the moral road and let G_d do what He does best, dish out the consequences. So I wrote a little note on a sticky note and attached it to the box. I always called my ex, "Ahuvi," meaning "My love" in Hebrew said to a man. He always called me, "Ahuvati," meaning "My love" in Hebrew said to a woman. "Lo," means "not" in Hebrew.
"Lo Ahuvi,
Today you have mazal tov.
Lo Ahuvati
P.S. Don't try to thank me."
So basically I said, "You"re not my love, Today is your lucky day. Not your love." Since he has been harassing me by trying to drop my items off one at a time, I've have him on "Harassment Warning." He wants to apologize to me, but I don't want to hear it. How do you accept an apology from a person who basically left you out to sea and never checked to see if you made it safely to shore? Then when I appeared back in civilization alive, he put on the pretense of being a supportive friend in front of others by buying me flowers in celebration of my conversion. No, I would never speak to this man again.
This presented a problem. I didn't want to see him, but I had to return these pictures to him, and it appeared the G_d wanted me to do it myself, since few people liked him after what he did to me. He also had his new Israeli fiance with him. He brought this non-observant, new Israeli fiance to the synagogue two Sabbaths ago to parade her in front of everyone. She really didn't want to be there and didn't know how to follow an orthodox service. They stopped the Torah in front of her for quite some time before she finally figured out that she was supposed to touch it. They never stop the Torah like that! I did have to have 4 shots of whiskey to get through that Sabbath kiddish with grace and a smile.
Then the solution came to me! He's selling his home. He'll probably have an open house on Sunday! I checked online and indeed his home was listed as having an open house then. So I brought the box in to his home which was bustling with people and placed it immediately by the stove where his fiance would probably see it. I quickly distanced myself from the box to remove any connection of it to me and walked through the home like everyone else, except I was making sure that he really was moving to Israel and that I'd gotten all my things back once and for all.
One of his Israeli friends saw me as I passed her and our eyes met briefly. She was stunned and I just smiled in victory. He was leaving the country, because of the shame that he caused the Jewish people over leaving me right as I was returning to finish my conversion.
To keep her from questioning me, I got the real estate agent's attention to take care of one more matter. The night before the infamous break-up text while I was sleeping, I negotiated with my ex-fiance that if I were to move in to his home, then all the pictures of naked women will have to come down, so I can entertain members of our community at the home. Apparently, the real estate agent had also had him take down a lot more than those pictures, but he missed one---the one of the half-naked blond by the master bed that looked like me. So I escorted the real estate agent to that picture and said, "This picture should be taken down. It is offensive during an open house."
Without waiting for his action or reply, I walked out the door. I did my mitzvah of returning a lost item, made my presence known to one of my ex-fiance's friends, and got all the pictures of naked women off the walls without touching anything. My smug smile of success beamed as I left that home where I once had lived and planned on making a life. Now my ex-fiance would have to explain to his new fiance about me and why I would have a box of pictures of his first marriage.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Visions, Dreams, Anthropomorphisms of God
G_d promised to Joel the restoration of prophecy, "After that, I will pour out My spirit on all flesh, and your sons and daughters will prophesy. Your old men will dream dreams, and your young men will see visions." (Joel 3:1) Old women will dream dreams, and young women will see visions due to the line before it which includes sons and daughters.
What's the difference between dreams and visions and why is age the barrier between them? We are involved in dreams---sleep walking and talking---we're participating in a dream. When we have a vision, it's just like watching a movie. We are seeing it in an uninvolved way. We can't stop it or change it.
Why do we only see visions when we are young, but when we are old we are allowed to participate in a dream? When we are young, we have so few references and education that we may join what is revealed to us in an inappropriate way. We are not allowed to participate, because we may innocently do something very dark with our new found gift from G_d and pervert and sin with our gift.
Now my grandma who started me on my spiritual path outside of religion, only had a 4th grade education. She was also chased out of the Catholic church by a priest around that same time when she left school to support her drunkard father. Grandma learned to go into people's minds without their knowledge and make them do what she wanted them to do, and she became a millionairess. As a kid I found this a great way to cheat at Rummy, a card game. You just make your opponents discard the card that you want them to discard. My brother is a CEO and multimillionaire, who's given in to evil, so I can only imagine what he's doing to people's minds. I just stay far away from him.
When I became an adult, I stopped using this mind-control skill with the only exception: I used it last December at the Christmas staff party of a Tahoe high school that ran me out of town for being Jewish. When it was the principal's turn to pick a gift, I made her pick the gift that I chose for her. She walked over, looked at all the presents, picked up the present that I was focusing on and sending to her mind, and it was the worst gift of all! Because I had a little fun and revenge with her, she also got a lighter consequence from G_d than everyone else involved in my harassment. So, that's what we do when we're angry, young, uneducated, basking in darkness, or not wise. Hence, the youth and untrained, naturally-gifted spirituals are only allowed spiritual gifts with huge restraints.
There is an exception to this. Due to the quantity of people who are assimilated Jews with prophetic capability, G_d lures them back. After Grandma was done teaching me how to cheat at cards, G_d gave me visions of who I'd see the next day. These were people that I would not normally see, so it had more impact that I was experiencing a bit of prophecy at 16. As I fell over to the darkness with my spiritual gifts and no religious training, I started trying to manipulate the physical world.
I practiced and practiced with no results for a year. Then at the Big Game between Stanford and Cal in 1982 I was in shock at what I did---I didn't act like a vessel of G_d, I selfishly did something on my own (with G_d's help without my knowledge). The year before my two brothers had razzed me cruelly at the Big Game tailgate party at Stanford when Cal lost to Stanford. This next year, 1982, Stanford and Cal were neck in neck. We had 2 seconds left and I wasn't going to be razzed by my brothers again, since Cal was losing! In the middle, 5th row of the cheer section and with deep emotion I went within myself and visualized an unorthodox way to win the game, since I don't follow football and don't know football plays. I opened my eyes and Cal did everything that I visualized and won the game. Now that play is in the top 10 most famous football plays and is called "The Play."
My mouth dropped open after "The Play" happened, and I dashed out on to the field with our cheer section to scream, "We're number 1! We're number 1!" to the Stanford fans. I learned how powerful my gifts could be in this world, even though I didn't have too much of a relationship with G_d. G_d allowed me to do this to encourage me to selfishly continue honing my abilities, so when I did bother to study G_d's Word and follow His Mitzvot later in life, my skills were so honed that it was like breathing.
My way of learning spirituality is not a recommended way to go about learning how to be in a prophetic realm and alter this world by any means. G_d just wanted me to continue to develop myself and gave me amazing reinforcement by allowing me to alter this world without truly knowing Him. I had no human support system like some spiritual families do.
There is a severe drawback to learning spirituality in an untrained and selfish way. Now that I am G_d's servant, I am paying for decades of being selfish and detached from G_d. I've suffered enormous loss---loved ones dying, millions of dollars disappearing, several health catastrophes, and my heart being broken over and over again by people that I love. My brother who is a CEO and misuses his gifts may never suffer like I am in this world, but he will have no part of the World to Come. My beloved Grandma will be saved by me. We can save our ancestors by being righteous, because they had a part in making us righteous. So prophetic skills are not to be used selfishly and without G_d's Word or practicing Mitzvot.
So why would G_d let me alter the world when I was young, yet only have dreams when I'm old? What is that about? When we're old we don't usually need to part the Red Sea or create a famous football play just to win a game. G_d's made it clear to us that the manna will fall, all our needs will be provided, and if we stray we will pay. We have faith in Him and have a close relationship with Him. He does want us to listen to Him, interact with Him for others as a witness to others in order to strengthen other people's faith, do exactly what He wants us to do or it will be painful, and be His interface here, as well as anything else G_d may want to do with us.
Once G_d trains us with various baby steps year after year, we finally rate spiritual dreams. So we old people will connect all our various gifts that we've learned to use which are appropriate to see and experience that which G_d allows us to see and experience while we are wandering in the spiritual world. We have enough life experience and training to interpret and interact with what we are seeing and participating in.
The only problem is how do we interpret what we see and experience? We interpret what we see and experience with what G_d has taught us so far. Per Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan in Inner Space "G_d can only speak to us in a language we understand and we therefore have a rule: 'The Torah speaks in the language of man.' This means that a physical allegory may be used to express a very profound philosophical relationship between G_d and his creation."
This allegory evolves as we evolve, as well. For instance, when I was a Christian, I interpreted a major dream in Christian allegory. Now that I'm an orthodox Jew, I interpret the allegory of the dream much differently. Each interpretation of allegory is appropriate and valid for that time period, because it's meaning was what I needed at the time, even though it was one dream. G_d knew that I would unfold the depths of the dream as I studied about G_d further and followed His Mitzvot. In years to come, more from the dream will be revealed to me, as I draw closer to G_d. On a macro level the Torah that Moshe (Moses) wrote also reveals to us more as we evolve.
We draw closer to G_d by studying His Word in the Torah. The Torah uses anthropomorphisms, so that we can better understand what we're absorbing. However, G_d has no parts or body, so there is really no physical description of G_d when these anthropomorphisms are utilized. "G_d's eyes" alludes to His omniscience in this world. "G_d's hand" alludes to His power and guidance of this world. He is the master chess player that is letting us chose how to move our pieces while He is moving us to a certain corner.When something smells good to G_d's nose, He understands the bright light of our love, restraint, beauty, dominance and empathy, and foundation. Perverse acts would smell bad to G_d like the acts of Sodom and Gomorrah. When G_d speaks, He is showing us kingship and our boundaries. Though there are many emotions and other anthropormorphisms, we should always remember to not take them literally, since we don't have the capacity to completely grasp G_d's unity while in this world of many parts.
So grow with G_d and Mitzvot all you prophets in training. Bare your iniquity, as I did to know God's Glory. Now is the new age to be ushered in. We must do the work that we're destined to do. We are servants of G_d and need not this world, yet here we are.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
What's the difference between dreams and visions and why is age the barrier between them? We are involved in dreams---sleep walking and talking---we're participating in a dream. When we have a vision, it's just like watching a movie. We are seeing it in an uninvolved way. We can't stop it or change it.
Why do we only see visions when we are young, but when we are old we are allowed to participate in a dream? When we are young, we have so few references and education that we may join what is revealed to us in an inappropriate way. We are not allowed to participate, because we may innocently do something very dark with our new found gift from G_d and pervert and sin with our gift.
Now my grandma who started me on my spiritual path outside of religion, only had a 4th grade education. She was also chased out of the Catholic church by a priest around that same time when she left school to support her drunkard father. Grandma learned to go into people's minds without their knowledge and make them do what she wanted them to do, and she became a millionairess. As a kid I found this a great way to cheat at Rummy, a card game. You just make your opponents discard the card that you want them to discard. My brother is a CEO and multimillionaire, who's given in to evil, so I can only imagine what he's doing to people's minds. I just stay far away from him.
When I became an adult, I stopped using this mind-control skill with the only exception: I used it last December at the Christmas staff party of a Tahoe high school that ran me out of town for being Jewish. When it was the principal's turn to pick a gift, I made her pick the gift that I chose for her. She walked over, looked at all the presents, picked up the present that I was focusing on and sending to her mind, and it was the worst gift of all! Because I had a little fun and revenge with her, she also got a lighter consequence from G_d than everyone else involved in my harassment. So, that's what we do when we're angry, young, uneducated, basking in darkness, or not wise. Hence, the youth and untrained, naturally-gifted spirituals are only allowed spiritual gifts with huge restraints.
There is an exception to this. Due to the quantity of people who are assimilated Jews with prophetic capability, G_d lures them back. After Grandma was done teaching me how to cheat at cards, G_d gave me visions of who I'd see the next day. These were people that I would not normally see, so it had more impact that I was experiencing a bit of prophecy at 16. As I fell over to the darkness with my spiritual gifts and no religious training, I started trying to manipulate the physical world.
I practiced and practiced with no results for a year. Then at the Big Game between Stanford and Cal in 1982 I was in shock at what I did---I didn't act like a vessel of G_d, I selfishly did something on my own (with G_d's help without my knowledge). The year before my two brothers had razzed me cruelly at the Big Game tailgate party at Stanford when Cal lost to Stanford. This next year, 1982, Stanford and Cal were neck in neck. We had 2 seconds left and I wasn't going to be razzed by my brothers again, since Cal was losing! In the middle, 5th row of the cheer section and with deep emotion I went within myself and visualized an unorthodox way to win the game, since I don't follow football and don't know football plays. I opened my eyes and Cal did everything that I visualized and won the game. Now that play is in the top 10 most famous football plays and is called "The Play."
My mouth dropped open after "The Play" happened, and I dashed out on to the field with our cheer section to scream, "We're number 1! We're number 1!" to the Stanford fans. I learned how powerful my gifts could be in this world, even though I didn't have too much of a relationship with G_d. G_d allowed me to do this to encourage me to selfishly continue honing my abilities, so when I did bother to study G_d's Word and follow His Mitzvot later in life, my skills were so honed that it was like breathing.
My way of learning spirituality is not a recommended way to go about learning how to be in a prophetic realm and alter this world by any means. G_d just wanted me to continue to develop myself and gave me amazing reinforcement by allowing me to alter this world without truly knowing Him. I had no human support system like some spiritual families do.
There is a severe drawback to learning spirituality in an untrained and selfish way. Now that I am G_d's servant, I am paying for decades of being selfish and detached from G_d. I've suffered enormous loss---loved ones dying, millions of dollars disappearing, several health catastrophes, and my heart being broken over and over again by people that I love. My brother who is a CEO and misuses his gifts may never suffer like I am in this world, but he will have no part of the World to Come. My beloved Grandma will be saved by me. We can save our ancestors by being righteous, because they had a part in making us righteous. So prophetic skills are not to be used selfishly and without G_d's Word or practicing Mitzvot.
So why would G_d let me alter the world when I was young, yet only have dreams when I'm old? What is that about? When we're old we don't usually need to part the Red Sea or create a famous football play just to win a game. G_d's made it clear to us that the manna will fall, all our needs will be provided, and if we stray we will pay. We have faith in Him and have a close relationship with Him. He does want us to listen to Him, interact with Him for others as a witness to others in order to strengthen other people's faith, do exactly what He wants us to do or it will be painful, and be His interface here, as well as anything else G_d may want to do with us.
Once G_d trains us with various baby steps year after year, we finally rate spiritual dreams. So we old people will connect all our various gifts that we've learned to use which are appropriate to see and experience that which G_d allows us to see and experience while we are wandering in the spiritual world. We have enough life experience and training to interpret and interact with what we are seeing and participating in.
The only problem is how do we interpret what we see and experience? We interpret what we see and experience with what G_d has taught us so far. Per Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan in Inner Space "G_d can only speak to us in a language we understand and we therefore have a rule: 'The Torah speaks in the language of man.' This means that a physical allegory may be used to express a very profound philosophical relationship between G_d and his creation."
This allegory evolves as we evolve, as well. For instance, when I was a Christian, I interpreted a major dream in Christian allegory. Now that I'm an orthodox Jew, I interpret the allegory of the dream much differently. Each interpretation of allegory is appropriate and valid for that time period, because it's meaning was what I needed at the time, even though it was one dream. G_d knew that I would unfold the depths of the dream as I studied about G_d further and followed His Mitzvot. In years to come, more from the dream will be revealed to me, as I draw closer to G_d. On a macro level the Torah that Moshe (Moses) wrote also reveals to us more as we evolve.
We draw closer to G_d by studying His Word in the Torah. The Torah uses anthropomorphisms, so that we can better understand what we're absorbing. However, G_d has no parts or body, so there is really no physical description of G_d when these anthropomorphisms are utilized. "G_d's eyes" alludes to His omniscience in this world. "G_d's hand" alludes to His power and guidance of this world. He is the master chess player that is letting us chose how to move our pieces while He is moving us to a certain corner.When something smells good to G_d's nose, He understands the bright light of our love, restraint, beauty, dominance and empathy, and foundation. Perverse acts would smell bad to G_d like the acts of Sodom and Gomorrah. When G_d speaks, He is showing us kingship and our boundaries. Though there are many emotions and other anthropormorphisms, we should always remember to not take them literally, since we don't have the capacity to completely grasp G_d's unity while in this world of many parts.
So grow with G_d and Mitzvot all you prophets in training. Bare your iniquity, as I did to know God's Glory. Now is the new age to be ushered in. We must do the work that we're destined to do. We are servants of G_d and need not this world, yet here we are.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Second Match Maker Disaster
Dating in your 50's is just fraught with peril. This time it only took two phones and two follow up e-mails calls to know to run like the wind!
My match makers are frum (observant) match makers and apparently they got my second match from a less frum dating site, since no orthodox Jewish man will accept me as a match. Due to being new to all these Jewish dating sites, I didn't really grasp that I might be matched with a Jew that was opposed to orthodoxy.
Yes, we both are extremely spiritual. Yes, I could share my spiritual experiences on the first phone call freely. However, when I sent many pictures of me in Israel with one with my rabbi in the West Bank and one pointing at the Dome of the Rock and wishing it wasn't there on our holiest sight on the planet, that's when the deal breaker occurred. He is a leftist, conservative Jew and thinks that the orthodox Jews on the right are a danger to Israel, since they want to keep the West Bank and rebuild the temple one day. He also started attacking me for my references not being Jewish enough, since I'm a convert. That's a huge violation of Torah to make a proselyte feel that they aren't fully Jewish. Once he had me dumbfounded into silence, he went into a long oratory about Judaism for the next two hours! Great getting to know you talk.
In my rebuttal e-mail I wrote:
My match makers are frum (observant) match makers and apparently they got my second match from a less frum dating site, since no orthodox Jewish man will accept me as a match. Due to being new to all these Jewish dating sites, I didn't really grasp that I might be matched with a Jew that was opposed to orthodoxy.
Yes, we both are extremely spiritual. Yes, I could share my spiritual experiences on the first phone call freely. However, when I sent many pictures of me in Israel with one with my rabbi in the West Bank and one pointing at the Dome of the Rock and wishing it wasn't there on our holiest sight on the planet, that's when the deal breaker occurred. He is a leftist, conservative Jew and thinks that the orthodox Jews on the right are a danger to Israel, since they want to keep the West Bank and rebuild the temple one day. He also started attacking me for my references not being Jewish enough, since I'm a convert. That's a huge violation of Torah to make a proselyte feel that they aren't fully Jewish. Once he had me dumbfounded into silence, he went into a long oratory about Judaism for the next two hours! Great getting to know you talk.
In my rebuttal e-mail I wrote:
"I'm glad that you came into my life, though it can be disturbing to see what I look like from your perspective. I never thought that I'd find someone similar to me, and I realize that you speak from a truthful, unfiltered heart, as well. I do feel that around you I will have to be more careful with my words---guarded, until your honestly is more embraced with mercy. Since we are both on the spectrum, perhaps this is your blind spot. Your approach works well for patients, I'm sure. I'm not trying to be your patient. I'm trying to see if we're each other's love of their life. Our first conversation was spiritual and uplifting and filled with promise. We are so much a like, yet last night, I felt belittled by being categorized as a right wing Orthodox Jew who was really a Christian and enemy of Israel. It's funny how I really only serve G_d. Yes, my ego and my lack of understanding of other forms of Judaism get involved at times, but as I progress in the wisdom that G_d leads me to learn, I'm sure my ego will become less involved and my understanding of Judaism will become more profound. G_d has planned my life with every unique struggle, success, and path. By categorizing me as an enemy to Israel, you've categorized G_d (my creator) as an enemy to the Israel that your ego wants. Remember, if G_d wants Israel to thrive, it will in the way that He wants it to thrive. We are only mosquitoes in his plan. "Man plans and G_d laughs." My hope is that in the future we can again have a more spiritual, uplifting conversation and celebrate our uniqueness, share what we've learned, and respect the other's views in a loving, merciful way. My hope is to learn more about how your day or week went, what Bhakti did lately. Thank you btw for what you have taught me so far. May your next few days be deeply blessed with beautiful blue skies and sunshine and the waters reach out to you to embrace you with G_d's love. May your loved ones also embrace you with their tenderness and love. Happy Birthday! Mazal Tov and Shabbat Shalom, Isolde"
Of course he came back with a detailed rebuttal of his own and even criticized my birthday blessing for him by saying that I was trying to cleanse him of sin in a Mikvah or Baptism. He added that we wouldn't be needing to discuss mundane things like what we did during the week or the cats. We weren't a match.
I was amazed that I couldn't put polite boundaries on a relationship therapist without him breaking up with me. It was clear why he'd never been married. He embraced his unfiltered honesty with no mercy as his strength and didn't see or care that it pushed every love interest away eventually. He also added a strategy of non commitment---dating goyim (women that weren't Jewish), so they'd never be Jewish enough for him, like my ex-fiance did.
In my defense, I explained that I was trying to spiritually energize him with the water reference for his birthday per one of his references of water being a spiritual conductor, not a mikvah or baptism reference for cleansing him of sin. Then I added that this was exhausting and agreed that we weren't a match, wished him "Shabbat Shalom," and ended our match on the dating site.
While I was writing my rebuttal to my failed second match, my jolly, culturally Jewish, limo guy from Marin that could lose 100 pounds called to see how I was doing. He made me smile. He hired my son the day before as a limo driver and told me that he wanted to take care of me. He knew that I was a rich girl that lost her money, and he wanted to make me a rich girl again. I certainly gave the modest life with a religious man a try for 3 years. So what he heck! He earned some "acts of love" points with me.
In that moment I realized how at ease I was with him. He wasn't observant at all, but he loves my spirituality and doesn't mind me being a kosher modern orthodox Jew. I'm going to figure out how not to be his codependent, but help him to be healthy, and we're going to take care of each other like married couples do. We both were married for over 20 years and know the work and communication that it takes to create and keep a good marriage.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
My Second Match Maker Match
It's been several months since I had the Jewish match makers search a 3000 mile radius for a match for me. I knew that it'd be difficult, but I didn't expect to not have a single match. I felt like the orthodox male community had abandoned me, so I asked the match making website to cancel my account, I was just going to have to have G_d fling the man in front of me once again while I was on one of my adventures. The website asked for more time and increased their search efforts for me.
Before I met my ex-fiance I cried in the isolation of my bedroom to G_d, "Where is my Adam?" A week later my ex-fiance quickly appeared on Lake Natoma when we were the only ones on the lake. In retrospect I realized that I asked G_d for the first man. He gave me the man who would allow me to find my Jewish roots. He gave me the man who would lead me to my understanding of my Jewish ancestry. He gave me the man that would help me to become a legal Jew, instead of an assimilated one.
G_d had recently led me to another Jewish man who understood the spiritual part of me on a base level. He is a ghost hunter. I joked with him that if I went on a ghost tour that I would probably ruin the business, because I'd tell the souls where they were and where they needed to go. He loves this part of me, though he only knows a small portion of my gifts. He also helped me to celebrate my spiritual energy, and I started to reorganize my home and especially my bedroom to make it a spiritual power house, because of his adoration of my soul's power.
Unfortunately, I knew that he was not the one for me. We met to help each other. He needed to lose over 100 pounds and had unchecked food addition issues. I'd already dealt with all my addictive tendencies, so when he asked me to regulate his food, I knew that he was asking me to be his codependent. I danced around his request and kept being supportive from afar.
In my own gated community, I was being a bit stocked. A handsome and charming man who grew up in the socialite circles of my childhood neighborhood was renting a home near me and realized that I read my book at the pool every Saturday afternoon. So he'd come join me. I enjoyed our conversations and catching up on what the socialites were doing while my mom and dad were busy volunteering and making our community better. He was very respectful of my celebration of Sabbath, but I did feel like I was just a mark for him to live in a home in a nice neighborhood, since he'd never be able to afford a home there.
My hair dresser and I talked about this. She was so worried, since the male wolves were starting to circle me that she thought that I'd better try to make things work with the man that has wanted to date me for 35 years. I love him dearly and trust him like no other man whom I'm not related. He would never break my heart and care for me and love me so intensely, but I didn't know if he was the one that G_d wanted for me. Right when I was finally free to date him, I completed my orthodox Jewish conversion which made it improper for us to be together. To me that was G_d saying, "I know that you love him, but it's not your path."
So a few weeks ago I again cried in the isolation of my bedroom, "Where is my husband? The one who will help me to do what I have to do for you?"
Within a week, on July 6th, a Jewish match maker let me read yet another rejection of a match for me. Here I was trying so desperately to shield my heart from any more rejection, but I bravely read it. It was full of tenderness and understanding and respect. I'd never met a man like this. He was actually looking for someone exactly like me, but he couldn't do the fitness requirements for climbing Mt. Whitney. I'd forgotten that I'd put that in my profile! He also wasn't technically oriented as I requested, but he joked that his grandfather was one of the engineers that built Hoover Dam.
On July 7th I wrote back to the match maker,
"Hi Deborah,
Before I met my ex-fiance I cried in the isolation of my bedroom to G_d, "Where is my Adam?" A week later my ex-fiance quickly appeared on Lake Natoma when we were the only ones on the lake. In retrospect I realized that I asked G_d for the first man. He gave me the man who would allow me to find my Jewish roots. He gave me the man who would lead me to my understanding of my Jewish ancestry. He gave me the man that would help me to become a legal Jew, instead of an assimilated one.
G_d had recently led me to another Jewish man who understood the spiritual part of me on a base level. He is a ghost hunter. I joked with him that if I went on a ghost tour that I would probably ruin the business, because I'd tell the souls where they were and where they needed to go. He loves this part of me, though he only knows a small portion of my gifts. He also helped me to celebrate my spiritual energy, and I started to reorganize my home and especially my bedroom to make it a spiritual power house, because of his adoration of my soul's power.
Unfortunately, I knew that he was not the one for me. We met to help each other. He needed to lose over 100 pounds and had unchecked food addition issues. I'd already dealt with all my addictive tendencies, so when he asked me to regulate his food, I knew that he was asking me to be his codependent. I danced around his request and kept being supportive from afar.
In my own gated community, I was being a bit stocked. A handsome and charming man who grew up in the socialite circles of my childhood neighborhood was renting a home near me and realized that I read my book at the pool every Saturday afternoon. So he'd come join me. I enjoyed our conversations and catching up on what the socialites were doing while my mom and dad were busy volunteering and making our community better. He was very respectful of my celebration of Sabbath, but I did feel like I was just a mark for him to live in a home in a nice neighborhood, since he'd never be able to afford a home there.
My hair dresser and I talked about this. She was so worried, since the male wolves were starting to circle me that she thought that I'd better try to make things work with the man that has wanted to date me for 35 years. I love him dearly and trust him like no other man whom I'm not related. He would never break my heart and care for me and love me so intensely, but I didn't know if he was the one that G_d wanted for me. Right when I was finally free to date him, I completed my orthodox Jewish conversion which made it improper for us to be together. To me that was G_d saying, "I know that you love him, but it's not your path."
So a few weeks ago I again cried in the isolation of my bedroom, "Where is my husband? The one who will help me to do what I have to do for you?"
Within a week, on July 6th, a Jewish match maker let me read yet another rejection of a match for me. Here I was trying so desperately to shield my heart from any more rejection, but I bravely read it. It was full of tenderness and understanding and respect. I'd never met a man like this. He was actually looking for someone exactly like me, but he couldn't do the fitness requirements for climbing Mt. Whitney. I'd forgotten that I'd put that in my profile! He also wasn't technically oriented as I requested, but he joked that his grandfather was one of the engineers that built Hoover Dam.
On July 7th I wrote back to the match maker,
"Hi Deborah,
I don't know if I timed out and my reply made it
to you, so I'll keep it short this time. Yes, I would love to talk to
him. Physical fitness and being technically oriented are not so important
to me, as the other areas where we do align. I will have to edit my
profile a bit to emphasize this.
Shalom,
Isolde (Deborah Ruth)"
Now as I've mentioned before, G_d communicates big corrections in my life to me on July 7th. So this was a monumental match, and I don't have to even know my match to know this. He accepted my match on July 9th. After reading his profile over and over again and overcoming my issue with finding the "accept" button, I finally accepted his match on July 11th. I liked his Buddhist statement: "There are two questions I should ask yourself: Where am I going? and Who will go with me? If you ever get those questions in the wrong order, you are in trouble." I've been forgetting to honor the first question, because I hate to be alone for long periods.
My match and I finally talked on the phone on July 13th and talked for 5.25 hours! It was amazing to meet someone who could see me hiding inside of this body, someone whose soul is on the exact difficult journey for which my soul was sent down here to complete, someone who I didn't have to wear a fig leaf around. After we finally ended our conversation on the phone, I did what I haven't done for over 10 years---my soul traveled to another person. While I laid in bed and held my pillow in my arms, my soul laid next to him and gently caressed his shoulder and arm as he lay in bed thousands of miles away. When I returned to just me, I slept with a smile on my face and saw G_d's light beaming down upon me. Thank you G_d!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
My Daughter's Beautiful Wedding With Her Dysfunctional Family
My daughter and her fiance planned and executed a beautiful wedding, despite having especially dysfunctional families with which to manage. The first hurdle was who to invite to help her choose a wedding dress in early January during the Arctic chill with temperatures around zero. All the moms---future Mother-In-Law, Ohio Mom (her aunt), myself, and step mom---and my ex-husband were invited for this occasion. Her father and I helped her pick out her prom dress, so she continued that tradition with her wedding dress.
Before her dress-choosing day started she insisted that she help me pick out a "Mother of the Bride" dress. OK, so she did threaten to turn me in to "What Not To Wear" when she was a teenager, so this was not an out-of-the-blue request. lol I was very comforted in my heart knowing that she'd like my dress at her wedding, so I had no worries.
After my daughter tried on many wedding dresses, we had tears coming down our faces as we watched her become a beautiful bride to be. When she found her favorite dress and veil, she rang the bell which was a tradition at the Bridal Parlor. She was to be one of the most beautiful brides ever!
As the day approached, my daughter and I had planned on me arriving a few days earlier to scenic Akron, Ohio to help her with last minute issues. Unfortunately, one of my pilots in Salt Lake City disappeared, and I missed my connection due to the delay and my Mother/Daughter luncheon before everyone else showed up. We did manage to get our nails done together, before her Ohio Mom had her and her friends over for dinner. I also gave her the presents that I'd brought. Fortunately, I hadn't wrapped them, because my bag got rained on while it was on the tarmac and everything was damp. At least I kept the 500-gigabyte hard drive of my daughter's childhood in the original packaging, so the plastic kept it safe. The cutting board that I made from scratch and the Papyrus Essence from Aswan, Egypt that I'd bought for her a few years ago were fine, as well.
Then the step mom came down the aisle behind me and sat next to me, which I didn't mind. The Ohio mom's husband videoed for me. Unfortunately, he recorded his wife who was sitting next to him being exasperated when she realized that my daughter had asked her to sit between my ex-husband's new wife and me. Apparently, my daughter was worried that the wives would act out during the ceremony, but we rose to the occasion and acted like adults and made this day all about her by putting on our party faces.
Finally the bridesmaids and bridesman joined all the groomsmen, and we all stood for my beautiful daughter as her dad escorted her down the aisle. I was so thankful that he was able to walk her. He almost died when the children were young in a car accident after falling asleep at the wheel. Though he never changed his erratic driving style, he learned not to drive while tired.
Before her dress-choosing day started she insisted that she help me pick out a "Mother of the Bride" dress. OK, so she did threaten to turn me in to "What Not To Wear" when she was a teenager, so this was not an out-of-the-blue request. lol I was very comforted in my heart knowing that she'd like my dress at her wedding, so I had no worries.After my daughter tried on many wedding dresses, we had tears coming down our faces as we watched her become a beautiful bride to be. When she found her favorite dress and veil, she rang the bell which was a tradition at the Bridal Parlor. She was to be one of the most beautiful brides ever!
As the day approached, my daughter and I had planned on me arriving a few days earlier to scenic Akron, Ohio to help her with last minute issues. Unfortunately, one of my pilots in Salt Lake City disappeared, and I missed my connection due to the delay and my Mother/Daughter luncheon before everyone else showed up. We did manage to get our nails done together, before her Ohio Mom had her and her friends over for dinner. I also gave her the presents that I'd brought. Fortunately, I hadn't wrapped them, because my bag got rained on while it was on the tarmac and everything was damp. At least I kept the 500-gigabyte hard drive of my daughter's childhood in the original packaging, so the plastic kept it safe. The cutting board that I made from scratch and the Papyrus Essence from Aswan, Egypt that I'd bought for her a few years ago were fine, as well.
My AirBNB hosts recommended the lovely Chowder House Cafe in Cuyahoga Falls, so I made the best of my solitude and enjoyed the best cooked cod that I've ever had in my life. Since I was also not needed for the next day, I woke up at 5am and drove to Niagra Falls which is on my bucket list to see. It was a 3.5 hour drive---like a drive from Sacramento to Fresno---a California day drive. The Falls were well worth the drive! It was sunny and beautiful, unlike Akron, Ohio which was socked in with dark gray clouds and rainy. I did pray very hard for my daughter to have a beautiful, sunny day for her wedding when hearing over the radio that Akron's weather report for the wedding day was iffy.
I managed to only spend 2 hours at Niagra Falls, so I could get cleaned up and ready for the rehearsal dinner that my ex-husband was hosting at Briccos Restaurant in Akron. Now I had done a lot of preparation for the wedding. I'd been biking and kayaking 6 days a week after completing my Mt. Whitney climb in an attempt to make sure to look stellar and the apidemy of health to make the ex-husband have a tinge of regret for leaving me emotionally and to help my daughter by showing her husband-to-be that she was going to age well, too! I also wore a dress from 10 years ago that I wore on our family cruise down the Mexican Riviera.
When I saw my daughter at Briccos restaurant, she asked what I did that day. I wanted her to fully enjoy her friends without any guilt about me, and I told her exuberantly, "I went to Niagra Falls. I always wanted to go and I'm used to being the Party of One, so I just got up at 5 am and did it!" She smiled and was so happy that I made the best of my situation. I felt for her and her husband-to-be to have to juggle so many deeply hurt parents.
When I got to the parent table at the restaurant, the step mom asked me what I did that day, as well. I asked my ex-husband, "What did I always want to do every time that we came to Ohio?"
"I have no idea," he said with disdain.
"I went to Niagra Falls!" I said in triumph. His eyes still had no recognition of this desire that I had to see the Falls.
"You mean the Cuyahoga Falls?" the step mom interjected.
"No, the Niagra Falls on the border of Canada and the US in New York."
She had a look of amazement and added, "Oh, I love the Niagra Falls!"
We had a lovely dinner and were all very civil. My new friend, the new mother-in-law, was relieved that her ex-husband was not there. She was also kind enough to drive me home.
The wedding day finally arrived. It was the only sunny day with beautiful blue skies that Akron had seen and would see in ages. Thank you G_d! My son and his new wife picked me up too late to get any lunch, so we made due with lemonade until the food was served at the venue. I felt awkward about not being with the bride while she was getting ready, but she just wanted to be with just her friends beforehand. Then I saw emerge from the bridesmaid room her aunt, the Ohio mom. She invited me back, so I took her up on it.
I stayed as clear of my daughter in the bridesmaid room as possible, since it was her day and a Mitzvah to make the bride happy. My high heels were killing my usually hiking-boot-clad feet though, so I finally pulled up a chair a few feet from her and asked if I could bless her. She agreed, so I put my hand on her shoulder in order to not ruin her beautifully styled hairdo and did a blessing. Her friend next to me commented after I was finished, "Wow, that was really wonderful!"
After I sat down, I looked at her wrinkled bridal gown hanging up thinking, "Man, if I was included in the preparation that would have never happened. I painstakingly ironed every wrinkle out of her graduation gown just 2 months ago." Fortunately, her cousin had a professional steamer at home that would do the trick and her brother quickly arrived with it, so the wedding was not delayed too long. Her dad and step mom also arrived with her bouquet, so she was set to walk the aisle!
As the wrinkles were being steamed out, I noticed that my daughter was not wearing her Great Grandmother's pearl bracelet that I let her borrow. She had some new, hip, fake pearl bracelets all together as a set. I was aghast that she couldn't have added the single strand of my great grandmother's to the other ones and quietly said, "Are you wearing anything that is borrowed?"
"Mom! Stop! I have enough to worry about!" So I sat back with a strained, polite smile in my chair hoping not to be asked to leave.
Once my daughter started putting on her dress, the photographer started taking pictures and then waited for me to get near my daughter to help, so she could take the traditional Mother and Bride-to-be pictures. My daughter never realized that this was a tradition, but I quietly crouched down near the floor and helped her get her slip pulled down, since it wrinkled under her tightly-fitted dress. She was amazingly beautiful and when I looked into her eyes, I almost sobbed. "Oh, I'll stop. I don't want you to cry and ruin your beautiful makeup," I explained as I dabbed the teared corners of my eyes.
Finally, it was time for me to be seated near the front of the ceremony, since I was the first parent to walk down the aisle. I held the arm of the best man and walked like a joyous queen down the aisle with a beaming smile.
Finally the bridesmaids and bridesman joined all the groomsmen, and we all stood for my beautiful daughter as her dad escorted her down the aisle. I was so thankful that he was able to walk her. He almost died when the children were young in a car accident after falling asleep at the wheel. Though he never changed his erratic driving style, he learned not to drive while tired.
When her dad gave her away to the groom, the groom's eyes were so filled with emotional love for her and astonishment at how beautiful she looked. It was an amazing sight to see so much love for my daughter and her joy in her eyes to marry him.
I was so happy that she was able to find her soul mate and so happy for him to find a woman who was strong and could hold her own in a disagreement, so he would never create a dysfunctional dominate/submissive relationship, but an equal one. They had both learned well from their parents' debacles and chose a partner in life wisely!
The bridesmaids and bridesgroom posed with the bride.
The groomsmen posed with the groom.
The wedding party all posed together.
Family pictures came after the ceremony, so we all posed when requested to do so. We did a biological parent shot even though it was uncomfortable for us to stand so close to our ex's.
Then we did all the parents.
I managed to get one in with only my daughter and my son and his new wife were to the side of the unprofessional shot.
Then the reception began!
They did a traditional first dance and then a father/daughter dance. Later my son danced with me, since he knew that I loved to dance at weddings!
My ex-husband did a touching, long speech and then I went up to do one. I could see my daughter mouthing to her husband, "Oh, no!" He kissed her cheek gently to calm her.
"My daughter's pediatrician said when she was 2 that she had the energy for the next millennium! She does and became an amazing artist, equestrian, and nurse, and now she has met the most amazing man for her. I'm so happy for you two for finding each other. May G_d bless your marriage!" I said through my choked up tears and they both ran up and hugged me, and then I sat down while her Ohio mom did an impromptu speech, too. I told the groom later when I wasn't so nervous that he also has the energy for this new millennium, and he politely thanked me.
I spent most of my time with my son and his new wife who was also alone, but my ex-husband's new wife and I had a friendly chat, too. We both wanted peace for the family. I did join the ex's family table and explained to the ones with whom I was close that I didn't want to cause a problem for the new wife or ex-husband, so I gave my ex his family with the divorce. After hearing stories of other family ex's causing lots of problems for the siblings' new spouses, I decided that that would be the most loving thing to do. They understood, and I knew that they still loved me, too.
When the wedding started dying down, a bridesmaid and I helped my daughter out of her dress and bagged it and hung it up for her. Then my daughter surprised me as we walked back to the reception. She asked me to dance with her, and so we did! It was an incredible moment to hold her hands and dance like she was my little girl again, but now she is an incredible woman in her own right and an amazing man's wife. I told her when we finished how amazing she is to graduate cum laud, get and start a nursing job, and successfully plan a beautiful wedding. She smiled and hugged me.
My son and his wife intimated that they were ready to start their journey around the United States again and were my ride to my AirBNB room, so I thanked my daughter for inviting me and gave her a hug again, said my farewells to the ex and his wife, the bridal party, and the groom, and set off for my journey as Party of One. The gray clouds rolled back over Akron after my daughter's beautiful wedding. Thank you G_d for the beautiful day and the love that was shared!
Thank you G_d for beautiful sunset during a thunderstorm on my flight home, as well!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Tahoe Matters Closed
After a long and arduous road leaving North Tahoe to come home to Sacramento, I've finally closed the open business. When all the harassment was heightening, I told my close colleagues that G_d would take care of things for me. Indeed He did.
My landlord finally sent me the check for the repairs that I did on his home after he made me go to small claims court twice---once for a venue challenge and once for the actual case. I won because my dad's girlfriend instructed me to write two pleasant letters to the landlord requesting the funds and then filed a suit when he missed the deadlines. The judge was also swayed by the repairs being safety and sewage related which must be done for occupancy of a renter.
With great relief I can say that my ex-fiance sold his home and moved to Israel after he left me when my harassment from the administration of the high school in North Tahoe became so intense that I needed legal help. Since we worshiped in the same place in Sacramento, I decided to do what Alanis Morissette would do per her song, "You Oughta Know." I stayed visible, made sure that he could hear my voice when I sang, and dressed more beautifully than before to remind him of the mess that he made by breaking up with me after 2.5 years, and 2 months before we were to get married. My community was equally disturbed by what he did, so he had many cold shoulders and much restrained silence which hastened his quick and complete departure.
Back at the high school in North Tahoe, they had an unprecedented 6 teachers leave the district and their seniority, including the math teacher that took over for me. So out of the 3 math teachers, only the teacher who is retiring in 3-4 years remains. That will be a bit hard to rebuild the upper division math classes from scratch! The superintendent and district HR director involved in creating the poorly researched accusations made about me both resigned at the end of this year. My 12-page rebuttal with my lawyer's stamp of approval to their accusations and the angry parents that liked me were the nail in their unplanned departure, I'm sure. When I left the final meeting with this HR director I said, "I guess G_d wants me back home," to make sure that he knew that he'd attacked a holy woman.
There is one more culprit though, who did not have a direct consequence---the principal. She does have to explain why no one new wants to work for her. She also has to rebuild her staff, but I think that G_d has something else planned for her---the normal thing that He does when people go out of their way to hurt me. I'll just be waiting for it to happen.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
My landlord finally sent me the check for the repairs that I did on his home after he made me go to small claims court twice---once for a venue challenge and once for the actual case. I won because my dad's girlfriend instructed me to write two pleasant letters to the landlord requesting the funds and then filed a suit when he missed the deadlines. The judge was also swayed by the repairs being safety and sewage related which must be done for occupancy of a renter.
With great relief I can say that my ex-fiance sold his home and moved to Israel after he left me when my harassment from the administration of the high school in North Tahoe became so intense that I needed legal help. Since we worshiped in the same place in Sacramento, I decided to do what Alanis Morissette would do per her song, "You Oughta Know." I stayed visible, made sure that he could hear my voice when I sang, and dressed more beautifully than before to remind him of the mess that he made by breaking up with me after 2.5 years, and 2 months before we were to get married. My community was equally disturbed by what he did, so he had many cold shoulders and much restrained silence which hastened his quick and complete departure.
Back at the high school in North Tahoe, they had an unprecedented 6 teachers leave the district and their seniority, including the math teacher that took over for me. So out of the 3 math teachers, only the teacher who is retiring in 3-4 years remains. That will be a bit hard to rebuild the upper division math classes from scratch! The superintendent and district HR director involved in creating the poorly researched accusations made about me both resigned at the end of this year. My 12-page rebuttal with my lawyer's stamp of approval to their accusations and the angry parents that liked me were the nail in their unplanned departure, I'm sure. When I left the final meeting with this HR director I said, "I guess G_d wants me back home," to make sure that he knew that he'd attacked a holy woman.
There is one more culprit though, who did not have a direct consequence---the principal. She does have to explain why no one new wants to work for her. She also has to rebuild her staff, but I think that G_d has something else planned for her---the normal thing that He does when people go out of their way to hurt me. I'll just be waiting for it to happen.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Mom Going Out With a Bang on the 4th of July!
To commemorate her 12th year of leaving in such an auspicious way, I drove through the Murder corridor, the Howe Avenue corridor, where I knew that they would have the most awesome illegal fireworks, since I missed the 9 pm Cal Expo professional display. The gangs did not let me down. They are patriots. Just like Nebuchadnezzar did some good in his life by returning the Jews from exile, these gangs made my 4th of July wonderful by shooting off illegal professional fireworks in their neighborhoods late into the night. They kept moving them so as not to get caught which made driving around quite exiting---never knowing where they were going to stage the next round of high flyers.
In Sacramento we don't just light off fireworks from 9 to 9:30 pm over some large body of water in a professional display with music. We don't let a minute of night on the 4th of July going without a blast of celebration for our independence. The only music we need is that of "the bombs bursting in air!" Thank you Sacramento for blasting off the fireworks in celebration of our independence and gloriously sending off a beloved Daughter of the American Revolution, my mom, to the next world. You are my hometown and my beloved true home.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Kayaking Lake Natoma
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
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