Circle of Life

     Salty sweat ran in to my eyes as I inhaled the forest perfumes.  Step by step I hiked upward through the intermittent snows of the late spring around South Lake Tahoe.  Gabriel, my boyfriend, had wanted to take me to the Bench for almost the whole year and a half that we had known each other.  He warned me that it would be a steep climb and over 10 miles.  I still chose that trail instead of the flatter trail that was 14 miles.  I’d rather have a more difficult struggle for a shorter time.

     As we neared the top, all my struggles flooded in to my thoughts as I pushed onward through the pain of the climb.  Why did they not re-elect me at John F. Kennedy High School?  I was so close to having tenure and lifetime healthcare by working 13 more years for them.  Why G_d did you do this humiliation to me again?  Even Gabriel, a renown math professor, wondered if I was a good math teacher or not.  My family was getting used to me going on to unemployment every two years, but Gabriel had been in the same job for over 20 years.       

    The complacent look on the face of Mr. Fry, the Vice Principal, as he said, “You’re not being re-elected, and I don’t have to tell you why.  You’re a nice lady, but this is the inner city.  You did have some really difficult students.” The memory horrified me again as it came to mind.  

    Without pause I responded to him, “Well, I guess that G_d has something better for me, but why did you have the union tell me right before my 55^th birthday dinner?”

    “Oh, sorry.”

    As I peacefully exited I thought, “Oh, sorry for making you gag and throw up your birthday dinner.  Oh, sorry you have to go teach 3 more classes today knowing that your life plan is destroyed.  Oh, sorry.” 

    I remember driving out of the parking lot and passed the school and blowing air passed my hand like blowing a kiss.  I wasn’t blowing any love to them.  I was blowing away their blessing. 

   The next day my principal came in my classroom during prep, and with controlled anger said, "You are not allowed to tell the students your employment status.  I've also got emails from parents saying that you have been showing emotional signs of distress."

   I responded, "Wouldn't you?"

   He nodded in agreement.

   I added, "You're probably late 30's early 40's right?"

   "40's," he responded with a little joy at being thought younger.

    "How would you like to have to start over at 55?  I'm 55.  I also have autism by the way."

    His eyes widened because I've aged well and hide my autism well.

   I thumbed my hand over all the extensive math workbooks that I've taught this year and said, "I'm sorry that I'm such a boring teacher."

    "It had nothing to do with your teaching," he responded.  "If you'd like to talk to the union about this, you should,"

    "I'm not trying to get my job back.  I resigned.  We're just having a conversation.  You never once observed me and yet you put my name on the list."

    "Mr. Fry made the decision.  I trusted his decision."

    "Samantha says that she had classroom management problems, and you put her on a contract and still gave her tenure.  Where was the mercy with me?  I'm sorry to disappoint you as a teacher.  Thank you for having employed me."  Then he walked out.

     My union quickly verified with me that the principal was not allowed to restrict me from telling my students that I wouldn’t be back next year.  The union also wanted me to let them know if there was any hostility toward me in the work place.  They must have contacted the administration, too, because I was never bothered by them again. 

     Soon after this the March 14^th protest of school violence started and shooting after shooting threat started at our school.  After about 4 threats and lock downs, we had to evacuate the whole school when a bomb threat in my building was issued.  Some expelled student threatened to blow up the building that I was in and shoot up the school.   I intercepted the message on a loaned Apple Pro that Mr. Fry had given me and forgotten to totally clean.  The threatening student said that he was from the KKK.  Since it was my prep, the vice principal checking rooms didn’t see me in the dark and didn’t evacuate me.  The teacher in the next room over and I were the last ones out.

     When the union representative evacuated the teachers to a nearby church, since we couldn’t get our cars out of the parking lot, I got some more face time with the principal.

     “So if the threat is from the KKK, why was the Jew the last one evacuated from the building with a bomb?”

     “Oh, I didn’t know that you were Jewish!”

     “Yes, and most hate groups hate Jews, especially the KKK.”

     At least at the end of the year breakfast this same principal acknowledged how they had had a very difficult Spring. As I said, “Good-bye to my teaching friends,” I slyly smiled at the principal’s remark.  G_d took the administrators’ blessing away.

     Though G_d was taking care of me and making the administrators feel the pain that they had caused me, I still was completely frustrated.  I’d been to over 14 interviews for teaching positions and been rejected well over 20 times.  My students stopped asking how the interview went and started asking about what I was going to do…without a job?

      Finally, after replying multiple times, “I did my best, but I can’t fix old,” I said, “I’m just going to have to go on faith that G_d will get me a job.”  I also prayed, “G_d, please let me get a job before the end of the school year, so my students know that I will be all right!”

     My prayers seemed unanswered.  Gabriel had to book the trip to Alaska to visit his daughter without me.  I had no job and couldn’t afford it. 

     He was saddened, “You need to get a job!”

     “Don’t you think that I know that?  I’m applying for jobs every week day!”

     On top of all this, my dad’s abrasive girlfriend was planning her 3 week trip to the Asian Pacific Basin without my dad.  She was busy scheduling all the kids to take care of him while she was away.  I gave her my schedule for a San Diego trip and then Alaska originally, but as it became clear that I wasn’t getting a job, I let her know that I was going to be more available to take Dad.  She still left me off the schedule, because she felt other people didn’t need to work around my schedule.

      With the salt in my eyes and the pain in my legs and all these emotions I stopped mid trail, threw my backpack off, and picked up a couple of rocks.  I threw them down the mountain into a snow bank with all my strength yelling, “#!*!!#% you!  $(@&# you!”  I couldn’t believe that G_d would torture me so much on so many fronts!

     Gabriel stood in the distance and tried to ignore my outburst.  I calmly put my backpack back on and marched onward toward the Bench.   Soon the trees gave way to a high meadow on the top of the mountain.  Lake Tahoe was in its glory and in full view.  We could even see the entrance to Emerald Bay!  With all the pain came this amazing destination!  We soon found the wooden bench nestled in the highest mound of granite boulders.  Peanut butter and jam sandwiches never tasted so good with that spectacular view!

      One of my students had written under my Quotes of the Day section of the board, “Difficult paths lead to amazing destinations!”  This was definitely the epidemy of her quote.  I kept heart that my next job would be an amazing destination.

      It wasn’t until the second to last week of school after the retirement party ended that I got my one and only job offer.  I had told Aryeh, “I don’t need to ask G_d for guidance here.  He’s going to give me one job and that’s it.”  G_d knows I have trouble deciding between two opportunities and make bad choices.  I knew this time that I’d only get a narrow bridge of choices.

      Sure enough, my job offer was at a charter school without a union and I’d be paid $13,000 a year less.  The kids were angels at this patriotic, traditional charter school, so that would be better for my health.  My teaching friend, who had similarly difficult, inner city students had to retire early with heart disease, so I didn’t want the inner city Math 1 students doing that to me!

        Without question, I took the job.  I knew that G_d had answered my prayer of letting me get a job before the end of the school year, so that I could tell my students that I was going to be fine.  My students were so happy for me, too!  My son loved my resilience of taking all those rejections and pummeling through the depression from them to get my job!

       Soon, I’d find out why G_d chose that job for me.  My dad was having to go to an Assisted Living Home for Memory Care in Folsom.  My charter school which was in Roseville also had an El Dorado branch.  I hoped that they moved me there.  It was 15 minutes from my dad, and I could have dinner with him after work.  G_d arranged it and my new principal called and with embarrassment said, “We’re going to have to move you from Roseville to El Dorado.  Is that OK?”

       “Oh, that’s wonderful news!  Thank you.  My dad is moving to a home near there, so that works perfectly.  Thank you!”

       He was relieved that I responded so well to his news and added, “You’ll be setting up the middle school for 7 and 8^th grade there and then open up the high school when we have more students.”

      “Oh, that’s also wonderful news!  I love building new programs!”

       When I finally started reading the book about classical education that they had given me, it was about a Thomas Jefferson Education.  As I read, I realized that this was definitely the school where I should be teaching.  They wanted entrepreneurs, free thinkers, leaders, and self learners.  That’s how I teach at the local State University in the summers where I teach 4^th and 5^th grade prodigies how to build and program Lego Mindstorm Robots.  It all became clear to me why G_d had made my path so difficult.  I needed to find this school that was so close to my dad.

      Before my dad’s girlfriend had left for Asia for 3 weeks, I managed to get a few days with my dad on the schedule.  When I picked him up for my first few days, he was so excited about the new place at his upscale assisted living home, so I drove him over there to see it with him.  He posed with a big smile in his new electronic couch which I figured out how to make work.   It was such a lovely place that I put a few pictures up on Facebook and said, “Dad’s new digs!”

      You’d think that I said something horrific with the way dad’s girlfriend went after me.  Though I had asked my dad if she knew about the move and gotten an affirmative, she acted like this was her first time seeing it.   “How insensitive!”  she’d say as she’d leave me belligerent phone messages.

      While driving with my brother, Luke, and Dad, she called to tell them, “She has the tact of a goat and can’t make any decisions!”  Luke gave me a hand signal to stay quiet, so I just listened and fumed at her bullying and belittling me.

       She barraged me with insane texts, so I wrote, “Stop.  I asked if you knew.  Everyone said that you did.  I am sorry that you forgot that you knew.  Stop bullying me.  I am sorry for your pain.  We are all sad at Dad’s decline.  Caretakers tend to die earlier from not making the tough decision of sending their loved one to assisted living.  It’s a sad time.  Don’t take your sadness out on me.”

       Her final irascible message before I downloaded a blocking app was extremely long, but concisely said, “We have been working on this for a year and a half and left you out of this because you are a blabber mouth.  You will return your dad to Nevada City on July 1^st.”

       She was not going to take away my last days alone with my dad and make me return him early to be watched by the pet sitter!  The blocking app worked wonderfully.  It took her days to figure out how to harass me again---through other people conveying her horrific messages.

       Anyway, while I had my uninterrupted time with my dad, I decided to ask his assisted living home what was needed for my dad to be able to live there.  He needed a TB test and his doctor’s authorization.  They mentioned that the doctor was booked for 6 months, though.  Well, I needed a TB test for my new job, so we got father/daughter TB tests.  We made a few trips up to Nevada City and got all my siblings and my high school portraits and other pictures, Dad’s medical certificates, and a ship to put his new TV on which we purchased.  I got him some of the softest sheets ever with a waterproof mattress cover, and he picked out a lovely comforter and pillow set.  Dad has some great decorator taste, I do have to say!

       Fortunately, I was able to get a cancelled spot with his primary care physician, and we drove up to Nevada City one last time.  The doctor was very impressed with the assisted living home’s facilities and activities and eagerly signed the admittance papers.  Dad’s girlfriend’s medical power of attorney was now nullified.  The tactless, blabber mouth that couldn’t make any decisions had now checkmated her.  She could not stall my dad from going to his new home either.

       Dad had started talking about new chickybabes, so I took him to Jos A. Banks and got him a new wardrobe for a new life. 

      “It’s strange having my daughter dress me,” Dad said to the sales lady.

     “Well, you dressed her and now it’s her turn to dress you!”

     Then we went to Super Cuts and got his hair cut.  He looked positively dapper!  I dressed him just as Mom would have.

       We headed over to Blair’s home for a Fourth of July Party after that.  It was great to see some many nieces that I hadn’t seen much over the years.  I was thankful that the situation with Dad had made it so Blair and I could forgive and forget that she disowned me after I lost my job for the first time ever four years ago.  We just let it go.  Our dad needed us.  We needed to free dad from his girlfriend who traveled to Asia for three weeks and wanted him left at home with a pet sitter who was about to have major surgery herself.  She couldn’t take care of someone with dementia. 

     Dad had a lot of fun talking with everyone at the party.  Everyone was so happy that I went rogue and got Dad ready to go to his preferred retirement home.  “You should never mess with an Ulrich!”  they kept saying. 

     I told everyone, “I want Dad’s girlfriend to be focused on me with her anger, so I’m the bad cop.  You all should try to keep a relationship with her, so we can get the rest of Dad’s things from Nevada City.”  They loved that idea.

     At 9pm Dad just started undressing and went to go to sleep on Blair’s couch.  “Don’t you want to see the fireworks Dad?”  I asked.

     “No.  I’m just tired.”

      Blair thought that we should go get his medicine, but I surmised, “He’s asleep.  Let’s watch the fireworks and then go get his medicine.” 

      Blair and I sat together and enjoyed a great cul de sac fireworks show.  They used all the fireworks that Dad and I had bought for the party, too!  Then we got Dad his medicine and all was well.

     On July 5^th, my mom’s anniversary of her death, was the day for our Father/Daugher TB tests to be read, so I picked Dad up at Blair’s and whisked him off for the reading.  We were both negative.  Nothing was in the way of Dad going to his new assisted living home!

     It didn’t feel right to take Dad back to Nevada City and leave him with the pet sitter as his girlfriend’s schedule stated.  Dad now had a place where people would take care of him and clean up after his accidents, make sure that he was eating correctly and washing, and being stimulated with activities instead of just the TV.  So I asked my dad what he wanted to do. 

     “Dad, today I need to take you back to Nevada City.  Do you want to go there or your assisted living home?”

      Without hesitation my dad said, “My assisted living home.”

      “Your assisted living home it is then,” and I thought, “His girlfriend is going to blow a head gasket when she gets home and Dad isn’t there.   Isn’t it funny how Dad starts his new lives over on July 5^th!  He started over after Mom died and now he’s leaving his girlfriend on that same day.”

      I sent the pet sitter a message, “Dad isn’t coming back to Nevada City.  He’s happy.  Don’t worry about him.”

      It was hard for me to leave Dad at his new assisted living home, but Gabriel was making me dinner in South Lake Tahoe that night, so I had to go.  Fortunately, Luther and his wife showed up right before I had to leave.  I was so relieved.  They could talk to him without me present and see that this wasn’t my idea.  Dad wanted to live here now.  I would go away for 5 days and let everyone have time to talk with Dad and learn that this was where Dad wants to live.

      His girlfriend tried to bully everyone else into taking Dad back to Nevada City, but by then all his kids new that Dad had a bad case of dementia.  He needed to be at this retirement home with memory care.  She arrived back to the US and there was no Dad at her house, despite her demands.  I’d prepared Dad’s new home for the angry girlfriend before I left, and she did exactly as I predicted.  She tried to bully them with her medical power of attorney.  She showed up a few days later and tried to take him out of his new home, but my dad insisted that he wanted to live at his new home and left her and went to lunch alone.  Blair was the observer to keep Dad from being kidnapped, so she took Dad’s girlfriend to lunch away from prying eyes and  tried to calm her down.

      As soon as Dad’s girlfriend knew without a doubt that Dad wanted his own life, I gathered up my pictures of Mom and Dad and brought them to his room.  It had been over 14 years, since Mom’s pictures were up in his room.  I wanted him to remember her as he forgot all of us.

      Unfortunately, the girlfriend was in denial and wouldn’t let Dad have his peace.  The accusations started flying, “Isolde stole all this furniture while I was gone!  She went into his man cave and took his checkbook!  I had to control Isolde’s visits, because she is always wanting to visit your dad.  She takes him hiking still.  Don’t let her do that!”  It kept going on for days until Luther and Blair both were a united front and told her, “Isolde didn’t do that.”

      Though it’s hard to be the focus of psychotic anger, I felt grateful to be able to be there for my dad and free him from elderly abuse.  He was always there for me.  When that Frenchman pushed me out of the missing luggage line in Tanzania, my dad stood in front of him and said, “Let’s see you do that to me!”  and I was able to get my place back in line. 

     Now I stopped someone from taking advantage of my dad.  He wasn’t a pet to be sat in front of a TV all day and fed periodically.  He wasn’t a puppet for going out on the town as a couple.  He is my beloved father with dementia who deserves the finest clothes and sheets to live out his last days.

      When G_d said to Moses in Exodus 33:23, “You will see My Back, but My face shall not be seen….”, one interpretation is that we cannot understand what G_d is doing in the present, but we can see what He has done in retrospect.  G_d has now allowed me to help my dad after he has helped me for so many years.  G_d had allowed me to listen to my dad repeat story after story to me on our drives and Monday dinners after work.  Now Dad has had another stroke and cannot tell me his stories any more while we drive.  Now I tell Dad his stories back to him while we drive and he says, “Yes, I remember that!”

Wrestling With Spirituals of Different Religions

   G_d certainly put me on a unique, spiritual path in life.  At 6 years old, while my mother was taking me to a Presbyterian Church, we got a flat tire.  I told Mom, "Mom, this is an omen from G_d that I'm not supposed to go to church."  She never took me to church again.
    My father believed that religion ruined spirituality.  So I learned to have my own relationship with G_d outside of any religion.  At 12 years old while on a rafting trip, I almost drowned in the frigid waters of the Upper American River and saw G_d's light as I was rising to the distant air that I would breathe once more.  Being given a second chance at life, I realized that I was kept around to do something for G_d.  41 years later I still wonder what that is exactly.
    After being a heathen in engineering at UC Berkeley and being all about me and my selfishness, my brother got me for a graduation gift a Fundamental Christian discipler to straighten me out.  I learned how to study the Christian Bible and be more disciplined about reading it each day.  The religious words gave me a moral compass, rather than relying on G_d directing me with subtlety.  Sometimes my own ego missed the subtleties, but the moral compass started helping me to deal with this enormous ego issue.
    Finally I fell in love with someone who only wanted to be a Catholic, so I did a 1.5 year long conversion to Catholicism.  I actually taught Catholicism for 6 years when G_d blessed me with two children after I promised to raise my children to love Him, if He allowed me to become pregnant.  Thank goodness He was listening to me, even though my ego was still not completely under control!  Motherhood, though it's tough is still quite awesome.
    After a major transition in my life where I had to start all over after the kids grew up, I found that my hidden Jewish ancestry was starting to become undeniable.  My closeness to G_d also meant that I needed to be more careful of error, so I needed to learn more and more about His ways.  Though I had at least 4 Christian Bibles, there were so many references to Jewish books to which I had no access.  I needed to learn the moral compass from the root of Christianity, so I wondered deeply about  studying Judaism.
     G_d made it clear to me in Jerushalem that it was now time for me to become a Jew.  It was a difficult cup to be given, since so many people hate Jews and use them as scapegoats.  But, I only reached that air when I was 12 years old, because G_d had something for me to do for Him.  So I went through a 1.5 year Modern Orthodox conversion.  This allowed me to reach the moral and spiritual compasses that I felt were there that were out of my reach as a Christian.
     One thing that made my mind wrestle during this latest conversion was why I had met some really G_d-inspired spirituals in other religions, but all the spirituals of the G_d of Abraham had to be Jewish.  This didn't match my lifetime experience.  As a math teacher, I teach a lot of Muslims, and many have a deep spirituality that transcends the confines of religion and reaches to a direct relationship with G_d as well.  I struggled with why does each religion say that it has to be exactly this way?  Why did G_d have me to Himself until I was 23 years old before I had any religious moral guidance?
     Perhaps I'm an observer for G_d, who is genetically and now halachically Jewish.  Perhaps I'm a bridge for the religions.  Today as I was reading, "Not In G_d's Name," by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, I read the most touching words by Michael Novak:
     "In a genuine pluralistic society, there is no one sacred canopy.  By intention there is not.  At its spiritual core, there is an empty shrine.  That shrine is left empty in the knowledge that no one word, image, or symbol is worthy of what all seek there. Its emptiness, therefore, represents the transcendence which is approached by free consciences from a virtually infinite number of directions."
    That beautiful statement is the connection of my experiences and the Tower of Babel story where G_d did not want us all to speak one forced language.  G_d wanted us to be our unique selves and choose to love Him in the way that we were each destined to love Him.  G_d wanted us to love Him in His truth---His emet.  We cannot freely do this if we are forced to be in a particular religion out of political, social, or family pressures.  We each have to find G_d's truth through His quiet understandings and subtleties that he conveys to us as we are ready to listen and understand them.
     We are each on a journey and in different stages of self restraint of those volatile egos of ours.  Once we start using the very similar techniques of each of the monotheistic religions to control these egos that want to possess and control, we can learn to love G_d and let G_d give to us and take care of us and take care of those that harm us.  We can learn that the beautiful sites that we all see are given to us by G_d and that we should remember to be thankful for G_d, our diversity, our unique paths that really challenge us to find G_d and to learn to love Him as we were destined to do.  We can be thankful for the fruits of this world that our given to us all and appreciate that the world that belongs to G_d.
      We must remember our past, but not live in it.  We must learn from our past, but not let it control us.  Our past was specifically created for each of us to become who we need to be to do what it is that G_d intends for us to do.  We must change our hate and anger to understanding that G_d intended us to learn something new or go a different direction at that uncomfortable moment in our life.  We must love the life that G_d has given us and others.  Life is holy.  G_d created it.  So we must put down our ideas that G_d intended there to be only one way to love Him.  The tower of Babel was pretty clear that G_d wants to be the only G_d, but loved in an infinite amount of ways with the guidance of Him. The moral codes of religion are very helpful in picking up G_d's subtleties better once we control our egos and find the monotheistic religion G_d intended for each of us.

Noah's Flood and the Tower of Babel's Message

   This Shabbat I continued reading Rabbi Jonathan Sacks' book, "Not in G_d's Name."  I was struck by how much the Torah had told us, but we could not understand it's depths.  Rabbi Jonathan Sacks clears up a great deal.
   "The Bible is explicit about the failings of the generation of the Flood.  The people were wicked, violent, and 'every inclination of the thoughts of their heart was only evil all the time' (Genesis 6:5)  This is the language of systematic moral failure.
    "The mood at the beginning of the story of Babel seems, by contrast, almost idyllic.  'The entire earth had one language and a common speech' (Genesis 11:1).  Unity seems to prevail.  The builders are intent on construction, not destruction.  It is far from clear what their sin was.  Yet from the Bible's point of view Babel represents another serious wrong turn, because immediately thereafter G_d summons Abraham to begin an entirely new chapter in the religious story of humankind."
     Rabbi Sacks then illuminates upon what was just a mystery to me.  Before the Flood mankind was a tribal structure.  Tribes competed for resources and there was no overriding moral code.  Mankind took from each other and the environment in evil ways.  This era was about the individual and selfishness and not about a community.  The Flood washed this era away and the Noahide Laws were put in place to avoid this era from ever reoccurring:

1. Do Not Deny God
2. Do Not Blaspheme God
3. Do Not Murder
4. Do Not Engage in Incestuous, Adulterous or Homosexual Relationships.
5. Do Not Steal
6. Do Not Eat of a Live Animal
7. Establish Courts/Legal System to Ensure Law Obedience

     Shortly after Noahide civilization developed there were 70 kingdoms with their own languages and customs and there was peace and respect for the fact that humans were made in G_d's image, yet were very diverse.  Diversity was enjoyed.
     Then there came the time of Babel and all a sudden there was one language.  What happened?  A few neo-Assyrian conquerors happened.  Per Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, "We have historical evidence dating back to the neo-Assyrians that conquerors imposed their own language on the peoples they defeated.  One inscription of the time records that Ashurbanipal II 'made the totality of all peoples speak one speech.'  A cylinder inscription of Sargon II says, 'Populations of the four quarters of the world with strange tongues and incompatible speech...whom I had taken as booty at the command of Ashur my lord by the might of my sceptre, I caused to accept a single voice.'"
     So Babel was a story about the people being dominated by an emperor and losing their individual freedom and being forced to work together to build an empire.  The people of Babel lost their identity, their individuality, which G_d has given to each of us to come to love Him in our own individual ways.
     Rabbi Jonathan Sacks states, "When a single culture is imposed on all, suppressing the diversity of languages and traditions, this is an assault on our G_d-given differences.  As the Quran (49:13) puts it, 'Oh, mankind!  We created you from a single (pair) of a male and female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other)."
     When G_d tore down the Tower of Babel and confounded the languages of the peoples, He was restoring the world to live in kingdoms governed by Noahide Laws and thriving in diverse cultures and worship of Elokim, the universal G_d.  He almost immediately made a covenant with Abraham, which was one of love.  Abraham dwelt peacefully amid many nations without judging them and loved G_d with his mind, heart, and soul.
    Per Rabbi Jonathan Sacks,"There is no single, simple system that will honour both our commonalities and our differences.  Tribalism-identity without universality-leads to violence.  Imperialism-universality without identity-leads to the loss of freedom and the suppression of the very diversity that makes us human.  That is why the Bible sets out two covenants [Noahide and Abrahamic and Mosaic Covenants], not one:  one that honours our common humanity, the other that sanctifies diversity and the particularity of love.  And the universal comes first.  You cannot love G_d without first honouring the universal dignity of humanity as the image and likeness of the universal G_d."
    Rabbi Jonathan Sacks continues to discuss in his book, "Not In G_d's Name," how in Modern Times we have forgotten about the lessons of the pre-Flood era and the time of Babel.  We have tried these ways of building societies again with Imperialism, Communism, Enlightenment, Crusades, Tribalism, and dethroning the group in celebration of the individual---resulting in erosion of family and community and morality.

     We have attained nationalism, racism and communism, two world wars, the Holocaust and the Gulag.  We have  attained repression.  We have attained acceptance of violations to the Noahide Laws.  We have attained moral decay, hatred, lust for violence, isolation with technology, and indifference to loss of life of those who oppose us.
    Many have lost a sense of community by the decay of family structures.  Many have forged their own version of a code of ethics which is not of G_d.  Many blindly seek what they innately need and find wolves in sheep's clothing waiting to lead them down horrible paths of extremism.
    Now is the time to love G_d with our minds, hearts, and souls.  Now is the time to recognize that every soul is precise.  Now is the time to love each other.  Now is the time to try to celebrate diversity within the scope of the covenants.  Now is the time to recognize that G_d's righteous are in many nations and religions.  Now is the time to come together in peace and love.

Kings of Israel

   "...all the elders of Yisra'el gathered themselves together, and came to Shemu'el to Rama, and said to him, Behold, thou art old, and thy sons walk not in thy ways:  now make us a king to judge us like all the nations." (1 Samuel 8:5-6)
   "And the Lord said to Shemu'el, Hearken to the voice of the people in all that they say to thee:  for they have not rejected thee, but they have rejected me, that I should not reign over them." (1 Samuel 8:7)

    Why did Israel need to be like the other nations?  Samuel warned them that the king would just take from them, but they still wanted a king and got Saul who then lost his kingship due to taking from G_d when he took booty from a battle that G_d had allowed Saul to win.
    A king in the Torah is code for one of the 10 Sefirot, one of the 10 shells of the spiritual universe.  Kingship or Malkut is the lowest level of spiritual attainment, because a king receives his rewards in this world by purely taking.

     Per Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan in "The Bahir Illumination," "What are the 10 kings? They are the seven voices and three sayings (Amarim).
    "What are the three? (Proverbs 4:7) 'The beginning is Wisdom:  Acquire Wisdom, with all your acquisition, acquire Understanding."
    (Job 32:8) "The soul of Shadai gives them Understanding."
     The Bahir states, "What is the third one?  As the old man said to the child, 'What is hidden from you, do not seek, and what is concealed from you, do not probe.  Where you have authority, seek to understand, but you have nothing to do with mysteries."
     Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan explains the cryptic Bahir.  "The Ten are divided into two groups, seven Voices and ten Sayings.  The lowest of the Ten Sefirot are usually called Attributes (Midot), while the highest three are called Mentalities (Mochin).  An Attribute is something that is externalized, while a Mentality or mental process is completely internal.  Similarly, a voice is externalized, while a saying without voice is not.
     "The Sefirot are called Kings in many places in Kabbalistic literature, especially in their state in the Universe of Chaos before the rectification.  These are alluded to by the Kings of Edom at the end of Genesis 36.  They are called kings, since a king only takes from his subjects, and does not contribute to the economy of his kingdom.  Similarly, these Sefirot of the Universe of Chaos could only receive, but could not give.
      "Of the three Sefirot mentioned here, only Chakhmah-Wisdom and Binah-Understanding are mentioned explicitly.  With regard to Keter-Crown, we are merely warned not to speculate into its mysteries."

      Keter-Crown is the highest of the 10 Sefirot and a purely giving state, emanating G_d into this world and bringing to this world a godly domain.  This Sefirot is amazingly hard to attain by a human being.  Wisdom (Chakhmah) is a state which can be more easily attained than Keter-Crown and is the second highest Sefirot.  Understanding (Binah) is the third highest Sefirot.  All three of these Sefirot are states of giving.  The givers are servants of G_d.
     Yes, G_d did not want Israel to have kings, because kings dwell in the lowest of the 10 Sefirot, Malkut-Kingship, and are receivers, not givers.  Israel was chosen to be servants of G_d, not emperors of this world.  Israel was chosen to give to this world.  Israel rejected their mission by asking for a king.  It was not until Solomon asked for Wisdom as his only request from G_d that G_d was able to have his chosen servants build a Temple for Him.  King Solomon had asked G_d to allow him to become a giver of His light by requesting Wisdom.  Israel was again ready to give to this worldly domain by bringing G_d into it.

The Akedah and Gates of G_d

        The Akedah, the story of G_d asking Abraham to sacrifice his son, Yiztach, is quite disturbing for most people and causes much unresolved debate about the meaning that G_d is imparting.  After studying "The Bahir Illumination" by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan this week, I had an epiphany as I read the normally glazed over line in Genesis (21:18), "...and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies:..."
        While reading the commentary in the Chumash, I was focusing on the angels.  I was aware that Gabriel, the strength of G_d, destroyed Sodom and Gemorah.  I wasn't aware that Michael, who is like G_d, delivered the message to Sara that she would conceive Yiztach, or that Rafael, who has healed, was the one that healed ailing Abraham and escorted Lot to safety.  As I was trying to figure out the angels involved, I happened upon the commentary about Hagar leaving Yishmael alone under a tree to die, so she wouldn't see him die.  The commentary stated how selfish that was of a mother to do rather than comforting her dying son.  Yishmael was truly alone, because even the angels tried to convince G_d to let Yishmael die for the sins of his descendants, but G_d would not judge Yishmael upon any other deeds but Yishmael's.  Apparently, Hagar's selfish influence upon him was countered by Abraham's righteous influence.
        Yiztach was a different story.  Sarah was a righteous woman, so both of Yiztach's parents were righteous.  The Chumash commentary stated that Abraham journeyed up to the top of the mountain that Abraham would later call Adonay yir'e (God will see) and Shem, Noah's son, called Shalem (at peace) and we call Jerushalem (yir'e Shalem---will see peace).  Abraham journeyed there to sacrifice Yiztach.  Father and son had two different missions for G_d.  Yiztach was a man, not a child, with his own relationship with G_d.  When he asked his father where the lamb was for the sacrifice,  Abraham responded, "My son, G_d will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together." Genesis (21:8)  Yiztach allowed his father to bind him, though he was probably as strong as his father.  Yiztach allowed himself to die in this world to serve G_d as Abraham faithfully obeyed G_d, though Abraham's tears fell upon bond Yiztach's eyes.
        At the last minute an angel of the Lord called to Abraham out of heaven and said, "Lay not thy hand upon the lad, neither do anything to him:  for now I know that thou fearest G_d, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thy only son from me."
       "And the angel of the Lord called to Abraham out of heaven a second time, and said, 'By myself have I sworn, says the Lord, because thous hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thy only son: that I will exceedingly bless thee, and I will exceedingly multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice." (Genisis 21:15-18)
        It was then that Yiztach and Abraham had a united mission for G_d.  Father and son journeyed down the mountain united in their service of G_d.
        Now why did G_d happen to have me reading the section of Bahir this week about gates?  So I would see this line that we all glaze over, "and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies;...." The Bahir section 38 in the Bahir Illumination by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan states, "Rabbi Amorai sat and expounded:  What is the meaning of the verse (Psalm 87:2), 'G_d loves the gates of Zion more than all the dwellings of Jacob.'
        "'The gates of Zion' are the openings of the World.
        "A gate is nothing other than an opening.  We thus say, 'Open for us the gates of mercy.'
        "G_d said: I love the 'gates of Zion' when they are open.  Why?  Because they are on the side of evil.  But when Israel does good before G_d and are worthy that good be opened for them, then G_d loves them---'more than all the dwellings of Jacob.'
         "The dwellings of Jacob are all peace, as it is written (Genesis 25:27), 'Jacob was a simple man, dwelling in tents.'"
         Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan explains about section 38 in the Bahir, "The main theme here is the fact that G_d  has maximum pleasure when evil is transformed into good.  Man was given free will so as to overcome evil, this being the purpose of creation.  When evil is overcome, this purpose is fulfilled, and this is G_d's 'pleasure.'
         Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan continues, "In a deeper sense, the more one overcomes evil, the more he makes use of his free will, and in doing so, the more he resembles G_d....In this paragraph, it is evident that the opposite of evil is peace."
         So why did G_d give us possession of the gate of our enemies after Abraham and Yiztach faithfully fulfilled G_d's will?  They proved themselves righteous and capable of teaching their children righteousness.  Abraham and Yiztach were selfless, as opposed to Hagar being selfish, which she would teach her son Yishmael.
        What does it mean to possess the gate of our enemies?  We can allow our enemies to be evil by being selfish and lacking righteousness and reacting to their evil by opening their gate that we possess.  We can also allow our enemies to be peaceful in this world by being selfless and loving them despite their issues and closing the gate of evil of our enemy.  We can go one step further and change our enemy to our friend and have no gate of evil to close.
       We are vessels of G_d.  In order to receive G_d's light, we must give and resemble G_d.  We must emanate the light we receive and bring G_d into this domain.  It is in our hands and is our heritage to overcome the gates of evil that we possess and bring peace to this world.

 P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!  

The Akedah and Gates of G_d

        The Akedah, the story of G_d asking Abraham to sacrifice his son, Yiztach, is quite disturbing for most people and causes much unresolved debate about the meaning that G_d is imparting.  After studying "The Bahir Illumination" by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan this week, I had an epiphany as I read the normally glazed over line in Genesis (21:18), "...and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies:..."
        While reading the commentary in the Chumash, I was focusing on the angels.  I was aware that Gabriel, the strength of G_d, destroyed Sodom and Gemorah.  I wasn't aware that Michael, who is like G_d, delivered the message to Sara that she would conceive Yiztach, or that Rafael, who has healed, was the one that healed ailing Abraham and escorted Lot to safety.  As I was trying to figure out the angels involved, I happened upon the commentary about Hagar leaving Yishmael alone under a tree to die, so she wouldn't see him die.  The commentary stated how selfish that was of a mother to do rather than comforting her dying son.  Yishmael was truly alone, because even the angels tried to convince G_d to let Yishmael die for the sins of his descendants, but G_d would not judge Yishmael upon any other deeds but Yishmael's.  Apparently, Hagar's selfish influence upon him was countered by Abraham's righteous influence.
        Yiztach was a different story.  Sarah was a righteous woman, so both of Yiztach's parents were righteous.  The Chumash commentary stated that Abraham journeyed up to the top of the mountain that Abraham would later call Adonay yir'e (God will see) and Shem, Noah's son, called Shalem (at peace) and we call Jerushalem (yir'e Shalem---will see peace).  Abraham journeyed there to sacrifice Yiztach.  Father and son had two different missions for G_d.  Yiztach was a man, not a child, with his own relationship with G_d.  When he asked his father where the lamb was for the sacrifice,  Abraham responded, "My son, G_d will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together." Genesis (21:8)  Yiztach allowed his father to bind him, though he was probably as strong as his father.  Yiztach allowed himself to die in this world to serve G_d as Abraham faithfully obeyed G_d, though Abraham's tears fell upon bond Yiztach's eyes.
        At the last minute an angel of the Lord called to Abraham out of heaven and said, "Lay not thy hand upon the lad, neither do anything to him:  for now I know that thou fearest G_d, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thy only son from me."
       "And the angel of the Lord called to Abraham out of heaven a second time, and said, 'By myself have I sworn, says the Lord, because thous hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thy only son: that I will exceedingly bless thee, and I will exceedingly multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice." (Genisis 21:15-18)
        It was then that Yiztach and Abraham had a united mission for G_d.  Father and son journeyed down the mountain united in their service of G_d.
        Now why did G_d happen to have me reading the section of Bahir this week about gates?  So I would see this line that we all glaze over, "and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies;...." The Bahir section 38 in the Bahir Illumination by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan states, "Rabbi Amorai sat and expounded:  What is the meaning of the verse (Psalm 87:2), 'G_d loves the gates of Zion more than all the dwellings of Jacob.'
        "'The gates of Zion' are the openings of the World.
        "A gate is nothing other than an opening.  We thus say, 'Open for us the gates of mercy.'
        "G_d said: I love the 'gates of Zion' when they are open.  Why?  Because they are on the side of evil.  But when Israel does good before G_d and are worthy that good be opened for them, then G_d loves them---'more than all the dwellings of Jacob.'
         "The dwellings of Jacob are all peace, as it is written (Genesis 25:27), 'Jacob was a simple man, dwelling in tents.'"
         Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan explains about section 38 in the Bahir, "The main theme here is the fact that G_d  has maximum pleasure when evil is transformed into good.  Man was given free will so as to overcome evil, this being the purpose of creation.  When evil is overcome, this purpose is fulfilled, and this is G_d's 'pleasure.'
         Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan continues, "In a deeper sense, the more one overcomes evil, the more he makes use of his free will, and in doing so, the more he resembles G_d....In this paragraph, it is evident that the opposite of evil is peace."
         So why did G_d give us possession of the gate of our enemies after Abraham and Yiztach faithfully fulfilled G_d's will?  They proved themselves righteous and capable of teaching their children righteousness.  Abraham and Yiztach were selfless, as opposed to Hagar being selfish, which she would teach her son Yishmael.
        What does it mean to possess the gate of our enemies?  We can allow our enemies to be evil by being selfish and lacking righteousness and reacting to their evil by opening their gate that we possess.  We can also allow our enemies to be peaceful in this world by being selfless and loving them despite their issues and closing the gate of evil of our enemy.  We can go one step further and change our enemy to our friend and have no gate of evil to close.
       We are vessels of G_d.  In order to receive G_d's light, we must give and resemble G_d.  We must emanate the light we receive and bring G_d into this domain.  It is in our hands and is our heritage to overcome the gates of evil that we possess and bring peace to this world.

 P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!  

The Akedah and Gates of G_d

        The Akedah, the story of G_d asking Abraham to sacrifice his son, Yiztach, is quite disturbing for most people and causes much unresolved debate about the meaning that G_d is imparting.  After studying "The Bahir Illumination" by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan this week, I had an epiphany as I read the normally glazed over line in Genesis (21:18), "...and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies:..."
        While reading the commentary in the Chumash, I was focusing on the angels.  I was aware that Gabriel, the strength of G_d, destroyed Sodom and Gemorah.  I wasn't aware that Michael, who is like G_d, delivered the message to Sara that she would conceive Yiztach, or that Rafael, who has healed, was the one that healed ailing Abraham and escorted Lot to safety.  As I was trying to figure out the angels involved, I happened upon the commentary about Hagar leaving Yishmael alone under a tree to die, so she wouldn't see him die.  The commentary stated how selfish that was of a mother to do rather than comforting her dying son.  Yishmael was truly alone, because even the angels tried to convince G_d to let Yishmael die for the sins of his descendants, but G_d would not judge Yishmael upon any other deeds but Yishmael's.  Apparently, Hagar's selfish influence upon him was countered by Abraham's righteous influence.
        Yiztach was a different story.  Sarah was a righteous woman, so both of Yiztach's parents were righteous.  The Chumash commentary stated that Abraham journeyed up to the top of the mountain that Abraham would later call Adonay yir'e (God will see) and Shem, Noah's son, called Shalem (at peace) and we call Jerushalem (yir'e Shalem---will see peace).  Abraham journeyed there to sacrifice Yiztach.  Father and son had two different missions for G_d.  Yiztach was a man, not a child, with his own relationship with G_d.  When he asked his father where the lamb was for the sacrifice,  Abraham responded, "My son, G_d will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together." Genesis (21:8)  Yiztach allowed his father to bind him, though he was probably as strong as his father.  Yiztach allowed himself to die in this world to serve G_d as Abraham faithfully obeyed G_d, though Abraham's tears fell upon bond Yiztach's eyes.
        At the last minute an angel of the Lord called to Abraham out of heaven and said, "Lay not thy hand upon the lad, neither do anything to him:  for now I know that thou fearest G_d, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thy only son from me."
       "And the angel of the Lord called to Abraham out of heaven a second time, and said, 'By myself have I sworn, says the Lord, because thous hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thy only son: that I will exceedingly bless thee, and I will exceedingly multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice." (Genisis 21:15-18)
        It was then that Yiztach and Abraham had a united mission for G_d.  Father and son journeyed down the mountain united in their service of G_d.
        Now why did G_d happen to have me reading the section of Bahir this week about gates?  So I would see this line that we all glaze over, "and thy seed shall possess the gate of its enemies;...." The Bahir section 38 in the Bahir Illumination by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan states, "Rabbi Amorai sat and expounded:  What is the meaning of the verse (Psalm 87:2), 'G_d loves the gates of Zion more than all the dwellings of Jacob.'
        "'The gates of Zion' are the openings of the World.
        "A gate is nothing other than an opening.  We thus say, 'Open for us the gates of mercy.'
        "G_d said: I love the 'gates of Zion' when they are open.  Why?  Because they are on the side of evil.  But when Israel does good before G_d and are worthy that good be opened for them, then G_d loves them---'more than all the dwellings of Jacob.'
         "The dwellings of Jacob are all peace, as it is written (Genesis 25:27), 'Jacob was a simple man, dwelling in tents.'"
         Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan explains about section 38 in the Bahir, "The main theme here is the fact that G_d  has maximum pleasure when evil is transformed into good.  Man was given free will so as to overcome evil, this being the purpose of creation.  When evil is overcome, this purpose is fulfilled, and this is G_d's 'pleasure.'
         Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan continues, "In a deeper sense, the more one overcomes evil, the more he makes use of his free will, and in doing so, the more he resembles G_d....In this paragraph, it is evident that the opposite of evil is peace."
         So why did G_d give us possession of the gate of our enemies after Abraham and Yiztach faithfully fulfilled G_d's will?  They proved themselves righteous and capable of teaching their children righteousness.  Abraham and Yiztach were selfless, as opposed to Hagar being selfish, which she would teach her son Yishmael.
        What does it mean to possess the gate of our enemies?  We can allow our enemies to be evil by being selfish and lacking righteousness and reacting to their evil by opening their gate that we possess.  We can also allow our enemies to be peaceful in this world by being selfless and loving them despite their issues and closing the gate of evil of our enemy.  We can go one step further and change our enemy to our friend and have no gate of evil to close.
       We are vessels of G_d.  In order to receive G_d's light, we must give and resemble G_d.  We must emanate the light we receive and bring G_d into this domain.  It is in our hands and is our heritage to overcome the gates of evil that we possess and bring peace to this world.

 P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!