Circle of Life

     Salty sweat ran in to my eyes as I inhaled the forest perfumes.  Step by step I hiked upward through the intermittent snows of the late spring around South Lake Tahoe.  Gabriel, my boyfriend, had wanted to take me to the Bench for almost the whole year and a half that we had known each other.  He warned me that it would be a steep climb and over 10 miles.  I still chose that trail instead of the flatter trail that was 14 miles.  I’d rather have a more difficult struggle for a shorter time.

     As we neared the top, all my struggles flooded in to my thoughts as I pushed onward through the pain of the climb.  Why did they not re-elect me at John F. Kennedy High School?  I was so close to having tenure and lifetime healthcare by working 13 more years for them.  Why G_d did you do this humiliation to me again?  Even Gabriel, a renown math professor, wondered if I was a good math teacher or not.  My family was getting used to me going on to unemployment every two years, but Gabriel had been in the same job for over 20 years.       

    The complacent look on the face of Mr. Fry, the Vice Principal, as he said, “You’re not being re-elected, and I don’t have to tell you why.  You’re a nice lady, but this is the inner city.  You did have some really difficult students.” The memory horrified me again as it came to mind.  

    Without pause I responded to him, “Well, I guess that G_d has something better for me, but why did you have the union tell me right before my 55^th birthday dinner?”

    “Oh, sorry.”

    As I peacefully exited I thought, “Oh, sorry for making you gag and throw up your birthday dinner.  Oh, sorry you have to go teach 3 more classes today knowing that your life plan is destroyed.  Oh, sorry.” 

    I remember driving out of the parking lot and passed the school and blowing air passed my hand like blowing a kiss.  I wasn’t blowing any love to them.  I was blowing away their blessing. 

   The next day my principal came in my classroom during prep, and with controlled anger said, "You are not allowed to tell the students your employment status.  I've also got emails from parents saying that you have been showing emotional signs of distress."

   I responded, "Wouldn't you?"

   He nodded in agreement.

   I added, "You're probably late 30's early 40's right?"

   "40's," he responded with a little joy at being thought younger.

    "How would you like to have to start over at 55?  I'm 55.  I also have autism by the way."

    His eyes widened because I've aged well and hide my autism well.

   I thumbed my hand over all the extensive math workbooks that I've taught this year and said, "I'm sorry that I'm such a boring teacher."

    "It had nothing to do with your teaching," he responded.  "If you'd like to talk to the union about this, you should,"

    "I'm not trying to get my job back.  I resigned.  We're just having a conversation.  You never once observed me and yet you put my name on the list."

    "Mr. Fry made the decision.  I trusted his decision."

    "Samantha says that she had classroom management problems, and you put her on a contract and still gave her tenure.  Where was the mercy with me?  I'm sorry to disappoint you as a teacher.  Thank you for having employed me."  Then he walked out.

     My union quickly verified with me that the principal was not allowed to restrict me from telling my students that I wouldn’t be back next year.  The union also wanted me to let them know if there was any hostility toward me in the work place.  They must have contacted the administration, too, because I was never bothered by them again. 

     Soon after this the March 14^th protest of school violence started and shooting after shooting threat started at our school.  After about 4 threats and lock downs, we had to evacuate the whole school when a bomb threat in my building was issued.  Some expelled student threatened to blow up the building that I was in and shoot up the school.   I intercepted the message on a loaned Apple Pro that Mr. Fry had given me and forgotten to totally clean.  The threatening student said that he was from the KKK.  Since it was my prep, the vice principal checking rooms didn’t see me in the dark and didn’t evacuate me.  The teacher in the next room over and I were the last ones out.

     When the union representative evacuated the teachers to a nearby church, since we couldn’t get our cars out of the parking lot, I got some more face time with the principal.

     “So if the threat is from the KKK, why was the Jew the last one evacuated from the building with a bomb?”

     “Oh, I didn’t know that you were Jewish!”

     “Yes, and most hate groups hate Jews, especially the KKK.”

     At least at the end of the year breakfast this same principal acknowledged how they had had a very difficult Spring. As I said, “Good-bye to my teaching friends,” I slyly smiled at the principal’s remark.  G_d took the administrators’ blessing away.

     Though G_d was taking care of me and making the administrators feel the pain that they had caused me, I still was completely frustrated.  I’d been to over 14 interviews for teaching positions and been rejected well over 20 times.  My students stopped asking how the interview went and started asking about what I was going to do…without a job?

      Finally, after replying multiple times, “I did my best, but I can’t fix old,” I said, “I’m just going to have to go on faith that G_d will get me a job.”  I also prayed, “G_d, please let me get a job before the end of the school year, so my students know that I will be all right!”

     My prayers seemed unanswered.  Gabriel had to book the trip to Alaska to visit his daughter without me.  I had no job and couldn’t afford it. 

     He was saddened, “You need to get a job!”

     “Don’t you think that I know that?  I’m applying for jobs every week day!”

     On top of all this, my dad’s abrasive girlfriend was planning her 3 week trip to the Asian Pacific Basin without my dad.  She was busy scheduling all the kids to take care of him while she was away.  I gave her my schedule for a San Diego trip and then Alaska originally, but as it became clear that I wasn’t getting a job, I let her know that I was going to be more available to take Dad.  She still left me off the schedule, because she felt other people didn’t need to work around my schedule.

      With the salt in my eyes and the pain in my legs and all these emotions I stopped mid trail, threw my backpack off, and picked up a couple of rocks.  I threw them down the mountain into a snow bank with all my strength yelling, “#!*!!#% you!  $(@&# you!”  I couldn’t believe that G_d would torture me so much on so many fronts!

     Gabriel stood in the distance and tried to ignore my outburst.  I calmly put my backpack back on and marched onward toward the Bench.   Soon the trees gave way to a high meadow on the top of the mountain.  Lake Tahoe was in its glory and in full view.  We could even see the entrance to Emerald Bay!  With all the pain came this amazing destination!  We soon found the wooden bench nestled in the highest mound of granite boulders.  Peanut butter and jam sandwiches never tasted so good with that spectacular view!

      One of my students had written under my Quotes of the Day section of the board, “Difficult paths lead to amazing destinations!”  This was definitely the epidemy of her quote.  I kept heart that my next job would be an amazing destination.

      It wasn’t until the second to last week of school after the retirement party ended that I got my one and only job offer.  I had told Aryeh, “I don’t need to ask G_d for guidance here.  He’s going to give me one job and that’s it.”  G_d knows I have trouble deciding between two opportunities and make bad choices.  I knew this time that I’d only get a narrow bridge of choices.

      Sure enough, my job offer was at a charter school without a union and I’d be paid $13,000 a year less.  The kids were angels at this patriotic, traditional charter school, so that would be better for my health.  My teaching friend, who had similarly difficult, inner city students had to retire early with heart disease, so I didn’t want the inner city Math 1 students doing that to me!

        Without question, I took the job.  I knew that G_d had answered my prayer of letting me get a job before the end of the school year, so that I could tell my students that I was going to be fine.  My students were so happy for me, too!  My son loved my resilience of taking all those rejections and pummeling through the depression from them to get my job!

       Soon, I’d find out why G_d chose that job for me.  My dad was having to go to an Assisted Living Home for Memory Care in Folsom.  My charter school which was in Roseville also had an El Dorado branch.  I hoped that they moved me there.  It was 15 minutes from my dad, and I could have dinner with him after work.  G_d arranged it and my new principal called and with embarrassment said, “We’re going to have to move you from Roseville to El Dorado.  Is that OK?”

       “Oh, that’s wonderful news!  Thank you.  My dad is moving to a home near there, so that works perfectly.  Thank you!”

       He was relieved that I responded so well to his news and added, “You’ll be setting up the middle school for 7 and 8^th grade there and then open up the high school when we have more students.”

      “Oh, that’s also wonderful news!  I love building new programs!”

       When I finally started reading the book about classical education that they had given me, it was about a Thomas Jefferson Education.  As I read, I realized that this was definitely the school where I should be teaching.  They wanted entrepreneurs, free thinkers, leaders, and self learners.  That’s how I teach at the local State University in the summers where I teach 4^th and 5^th grade prodigies how to build and program Lego Mindstorm Robots.  It all became clear to me why G_d had made my path so difficult.  I needed to find this school that was so close to my dad.

      Before my dad’s girlfriend had left for Asia for 3 weeks, I managed to get a few days with my dad on the schedule.  When I picked him up for my first few days, he was so excited about the new place at his upscale assisted living home, so I drove him over there to see it with him.  He posed with a big smile in his new electronic couch which I figured out how to make work.   It was such a lovely place that I put a few pictures up on Facebook and said, “Dad’s new digs!”

      You’d think that I said something horrific with the way dad’s girlfriend went after me.  Though I had asked my dad if she knew about the move and gotten an affirmative, she acted like this was her first time seeing it.   “How insensitive!”  she’d say as she’d leave me belligerent phone messages.

      While driving with my brother, Luke, and Dad, she called to tell them, “She has the tact of a goat and can’t make any decisions!”  Luke gave me a hand signal to stay quiet, so I just listened and fumed at her bullying and belittling me.

       She barraged me with insane texts, so I wrote, “Stop.  I asked if you knew.  Everyone said that you did.  I am sorry that you forgot that you knew.  Stop bullying me.  I am sorry for your pain.  We are all sad at Dad’s decline.  Caretakers tend to die earlier from not making the tough decision of sending their loved one to assisted living.  It’s a sad time.  Don’t take your sadness out on me.”

       Her final irascible message before I downloaded a blocking app was extremely long, but concisely said, “We have been working on this for a year and a half and left you out of this because you are a blabber mouth.  You will return your dad to Nevada City on July 1^st.”

       She was not going to take away my last days alone with my dad and make me return him early to be watched by the pet sitter!  The blocking app worked wonderfully.  It took her days to figure out how to harass me again---through other people conveying her horrific messages.

       Anyway, while I had my uninterrupted time with my dad, I decided to ask his assisted living home what was needed for my dad to be able to live there.  He needed a TB test and his doctor’s authorization.  They mentioned that the doctor was booked for 6 months, though.  Well, I needed a TB test for my new job, so we got father/daughter TB tests.  We made a few trips up to Nevada City and got all my siblings and my high school portraits and other pictures, Dad’s medical certificates, and a ship to put his new TV on which we purchased.  I got him some of the softest sheets ever with a waterproof mattress cover, and he picked out a lovely comforter and pillow set.  Dad has some great decorator taste, I do have to say!

       Fortunately, I was able to get a cancelled spot with his primary care physician, and we drove up to Nevada City one last time.  The doctor was very impressed with the assisted living home’s facilities and activities and eagerly signed the admittance papers.  Dad’s girlfriend’s medical power of attorney was now nullified.  The tactless, blabber mouth that couldn’t make any decisions had now checkmated her.  She could not stall my dad from going to his new home either.

       Dad had started talking about new chickybabes, so I took him to Jos A. Banks and got him a new wardrobe for a new life. 

      “It’s strange having my daughter dress me,” Dad said to the sales lady.

     “Well, you dressed her and now it’s her turn to dress you!”

     Then we went to Super Cuts and got his hair cut.  He looked positively dapper!  I dressed him just as Mom would have.

       We headed over to Blair’s home for a Fourth of July Party after that.  It was great to see some many nieces that I hadn’t seen much over the years.  I was thankful that the situation with Dad had made it so Blair and I could forgive and forget that she disowned me after I lost my job for the first time ever four years ago.  We just let it go.  Our dad needed us.  We needed to free dad from his girlfriend who traveled to Asia for three weeks and wanted him left at home with a pet sitter who was about to have major surgery herself.  She couldn’t take care of someone with dementia. 

     Dad had a lot of fun talking with everyone at the party.  Everyone was so happy that I went rogue and got Dad ready to go to his preferred retirement home.  “You should never mess with an Ulrich!”  they kept saying. 

     I told everyone, “I want Dad’s girlfriend to be focused on me with her anger, so I’m the bad cop.  You all should try to keep a relationship with her, so we can get the rest of Dad’s things from Nevada City.”  They loved that idea.

     At 9pm Dad just started undressing and went to go to sleep on Blair’s couch.  “Don’t you want to see the fireworks Dad?”  I asked.

     “No.  I’m just tired.”

      Blair thought that we should go get his medicine, but I surmised, “He’s asleep.  Let’s watch the fireworks and then go get his medicine.” 

      Blair and I sat together and enjoyed a great cul de sac fireworks show.  They used all the fireworks that Dad and I had bought for the party, too!  Then we got Dad his medicine and all was well.

     On July 5^th, my mom’s anniversary of her death, was the day for our Father/Daugher TB tests to be read, so I picked Dad up at Blair’s and whisked him off for the reading.  We were both negative.  Nothing was in the way of Dad going to his new assisted living home!

     It didn’t feel right to take Dad back to Nevada City and leave him with the pet sitter as his girlfriend’s schedule stated.  Dad now had a place where people would take care of him and clean up after his accidents, make sure that he was eating correctly and washing, and being stimulated with activities instead of just the TV.  So I asked my dad what he wanted to do. 

     “Dad, today I need to take you back to Nevada City.  Do you want to go there or your assisted living home?”

      Without hesitation my dad said, “My assisted living home.”

      “Your assisted living home it is then,” and I thought, “His girlfriend is going to blow a head gasket when she gets home and Dad isn’t there.   Isn’t it funny how Dad starts his new lives over on July 5^th!  He started over after Mom died and now he’s leaving his girlfriend on that same day.”

      I sent the pet sitter a message, “Dad isn’t coming back to Nevada City.  He’s happy.  Don’t worry about him.”

      It was hard for me to leave Dad at his new assisted living home, but Gabriel was making me dinner in South Lake Tahoe that night, so I had to go.  Fortunately, Luther and his wife showed up right before I had to leave.  I was so relieved.  They could talk to him without me present and see that this wasn’t my idea.  Dad wanted to live here now.  I would go away for 5 days and let everyone have time to talk with Dad and learn that this was where Dad wants to live.

      His girlfriend tried to bully everyone else into taking Dad back to Nevada City, but by then all his kids new that Dad had a bad case of dementia.  He needed to be at this retirement home with memory care.  She arrived back to the US and there was no Dad at her house, despite her demands.  I’d prepared Dad’s new home for the angry girlfriend before I left, and she did exactly as I predicted.  She tried to bully them with her medical power of attorney.  She showed up a few days later and tried to take him out of his new home, but my dad insisted that he wanted to live at his new home and left her and went to lunch alone.  Blair was the observer to keep Dad from being kidnapped, so she took Dad’s girlfriend to lunch away from prying eyes and  tried to calm her down.

      As soon as Dad’s girlfriend knew without a doubt that Dad wanted his own life, I gathered up my pictures of Mom and Dad and brought them to his room.  It had been over 14 years, since Mom’s pictures were up in his room.  I wanted him to remember her as he forgot all of us.

      Unfortunately, the girlfriend was in denial and wouldn’t let Dad have his peace.  The accusations started flying, “Isolde stole all this furniture while I was gone!  She went into his man cave and took his checkbook!  I had to control Isolde’s visits, because she is always wanting to visit your dad.  She takes him hiking still.  Don’t let her do that!”  It kept going on for days until Luther and Blair both were a united front and told her, “Isolde didn’t do that.”

      Though it’s hard to be the focus of psychotic anger, I felt grateful to be able to be there for my dad and free him from elderly abuse.  He was always there for me.  When that Frenchman pushed me out of the missing luggage line in Tanzania, my dad stood in front of him and said, “Let’s see you do that to me!”  and I was able to get my place back in line. 

     Now I stopped someone from taking advantage of my dad.  He wasn’t a pet to be sat in front of a TV all day and fed periodically.  He wasn’t a puppet for going out on the town as a couple.  He is my beloved father with dementia who deserves the finest clothes and sheets to live out his last days.

      When G_d said to Moses in Exodus 33:23, “You will see My Back, but My face shall not be seen….”, one interpretation is that we cannot understand what G_d is doing in the present, but we can see what He has done in retrospect.  G_d has now allowed me to help my dad after he has helped me for so many years.  G_d had allowed me to listen to my dad repeat story after story to me on our drives and Monday dinners after work.  Now Dad has had another stroke and cannot tell me his stories any more while we drive.  Now I tell Dad his stories back to him while we drive and he says, “Yes, I remember that!”