Today as I kayaked on Lake Natoma where I met my ex-fiance tears were in my eyes, not for him, but for being without my children on Thanksgiving. Perhaps that's why my ex broke up with me last year at this time. My motherly instincts to have my children with me, when I'm thankful for all the G_d has given to me, always makes me sad when I'm without my precious children every year on Thanksgiving.
Yet G_d gave me glassy water with a massive storm overhead, a storm heading to the Sierra Mountains to drop the snow which I prayed for to keep me busy skiing while I was alone. G_d gave me a lake all to myself with the most beautiful reds popping out of deep greens. G_d gives me so much when I cry to Him on the water....and just when I cry to Him. I constantly blessed all the beauty and miracles that he gave to me as I paddled onward toward the mountains and back, and the glassy water and beauty lasted without a drop of rain upon me.
Though the blues hit me later in the morning, earlier this morning I was too sleepy for the blues to hit me as I dropped my son off at the airport. He's such a good man and lives with me again, so he can go back to college. I spent all my college money on his sister while he was finding himself and developing his rock n roll band, Air Surgeon. He's never stopped loving me over that. His sister is much different.
After his sister's college graduation and wedding, she wrote and told me to only write her if it had to do with money or a severe medical emergency. My dad's stroke was not severe enough, and she wrote, "Your breaking the rules."
When I told my son this for the first time yesterday, he said, "What a spoiled, bratty, princess!" That's what most of her psychologists have told her in professional terms over the years, too. I still have hope that one day whatever I did or didn't do is forgiven. She's my daughter, and I love her.
I know that, because I was severely physically and emotionally abused by my middle brother and sister as I grew up with undiagnosed Aspergers that no amount of work will obliterate the insensitivity that I have toward abusive behavior. With all my training as a teacher, I know more and more what abusive behavior is. I know what made me feel bad and never did it to my children. I know that I moved my children far away from my siblings to keep them safe, but what did I unknowingly bring with me that hurt my daughter?
She's explained it to me: I didn't listen to her enough. I had Aspergers. I wasn't strong enough during my surgical menopause, and she felt like a parent to me. I fed her huge Paku fish, that looked like a piranha, to the cat when that fish ate all the other fish in the aquarium. For some reason she felt like I always thought she was fat, though I purposefully stopped myself from doing that to her, since my mother did it to me. At least I did better than most abused children do as parents, but that's not going to make my relationship with my daughter any better now.
After finishing my mandatory reporters training for teachers last week, I remarked to my son, "They added something new into it this year. They added, 'Interview the parents that are abusing their children, because they probably will tell you how they're abusing their children without even knowing it. In their minds what they do is not abuse. It's just what the family does.'"
"Did I do something bad that I was unaware of to my children?" I asked my son. At least my son didn't think so, but what if my abuse was now his normal? What an endless cycle of training and retraining myself to recognize abusive behavior. What an endless cycle of removing myself from my siblings' and exhusband's abuse only to be abused by my daughter's rules of interaction.
Anyway, I'm alone, so no one is abusing me on Thanksgiving, but I wish that I wasn't alone. I wish that someday I'll find a life partner that will look into my eyes on Thanksgiving and make me focus on him and not on missing my children or the pain from my past, just as G_d keeps me focused on the beautiful glassy water and reds of the trees as I kayak toward the mountains and back beneath the storm clouds of life.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Getting Psyched for Skiing!
Water conveys energy on so many levels. This energy revives me while I'm kayaking on it, swimming in it, hiking through it, or skiing on top of it. With our cold storms with heavy rains my students and I were excited for the snow, so I watched my skiing videos from 2014 and got psyched up for visiting my old haunts at Squaw Valley and Alpine. I definitely need to train, so I don't get hurt this season!
While exploring Alpine Meadows I just followed ski tracks and got a bit lost on this adventure!
My GoPro can be a bit difficult to adjust for videos. A few times it fell downward and took a video of my legs moguling.
While exploring Alpine Meadows I just followed ski tracks and got a bit lost on this adventure!
This is a great mogul run which is way off the beaten path at Granite Chief at Squaw Valley.
I did have a nasty fall down this shoot when I hit some ice. I belly flopped on my apple and severely bruised my ribs. I learned to cut my apple into slices or just have soft fruit in my lunch, if I'm going to store my lunch in the front of my body suit.
Olympic Lady is my favorite run at Squaw Valley. It's where I'd always find my expert skiing friends each year and catch up. The lift isn't operated anymore, but you can still get to the East Bowl with a little work!
A random expert skier that had the same skill level as me joined me for the day, so I put him to work and had him take video of me!
I had to put a KT-22 video in. This is Northface. The Westface was solid ice that day and couldn't be skied by even experts.
This shows how tough it is to ski on ice and why I'm alone on Granite Chief!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Sunday, November 8, 2015
My Search for a Jewish Husband Continued
When I was dealing with my BRCA 1 issues 10 years ago, I clung onto G_d as a Christian trying to find in Him the strength to fight the error in my DNA and make the difficult decision to preemptively do a double mastectomy which I knew would be the end of my marriage to a boob man. My first love, who was my only male emotional support, told me then that I should be a nun. I was hoping as an orthodox Jew that I could love G_d as deeply as I do and be married. It's not looking likely that that will ever happen.
My devout Christian brother was so enraged with me when he heard that I was converting to Judaism and also marrying a Jewish man. He said, "You would give up Jesus for the love of a man here on earth?" Maybe G_d wants to emphasize that my conversion was purely His idea by taking all my possibilities of a Jewish marriage away from me. As my brother and a few dear Jewish friends now say, "Just cling onto G_d. Why do you need a man?"
It's been 2.5 years since I've had relations. Frankly I've forgotten that loving feeling, so I don't need a man. Orthodox men can't touch me, so it's unlikely I'll ever have that loving feeling start again.
My journey into Judaism has brought me into a deeper understanding of my dear Grandma Ruth, my father's mother, who was a closet Jew. Now that I'm Jewish I clearly see how she was secretly celebrating Judaism, so no one would harass her about it. My dear friends at my synagogue have taught me about orthodox Jewish loving kindness, mercy, charity, repentance, and peace---not annihilating another Jew, even when they probably deserve my version of hardball.
Yes, I've had cause to want to play my hardball. The Jewish men that have been attracted to me have had major character flaws. My fantasy of meeting a righteous Jewish man to marry is shattered. An Israeli man lied to me for 2.5 years about not wanting children, renovated a home with me that I purchased for us, used me as a vacation spot in Tahoe, broke up with me in a text while I was sleeping when I was returning to get married, and almost immediately got engaged to an Israeli woman who could have kids. She broke up with him after 8 months. An older famous Jew, whose wife was dying of cancer, tried to seduce me. Another older mogul of the Jewish community, who was conservative, continually tried to get me to transgress from orthodoxy, so we could date. An American man who wanted to get betrothed by Rosh Hoshana and married by Simcha Torah just wanted to run businesses under my name and credit and have me be his support in his old age. A man who wanted to be more orthodox broke off his Thanksgiving visit and left me for a women 23 years younger than him---a woman who wanted kids when he didn't. Numerous men have also just wanted me in the wings, so they could tell their moms that they were dating someone.
Many of them said that the Mashiach, Messiah, will come when all the Shabbat candles are lit together, which is a mitzvah performed by women. Well, I do think that the men contribute to this Mashiach issue, too. How is the Shechinah, the column of G_d's light, supposed to descend upon a minyan of Jewish men in prayer if some of their minyan are capable of such selfish, misguided behavior?
Though I'm not sorry for converting to Judaism, it has given me spiritual peace while I'm in the spiritual realm, and made my connection to G_d so strong that He even blew the matches out when I tried to light the Shabbat candles too late last night (I wasn't used to Day Light Savings Time yet). Unfortunately, I am sorry that my Jewish ancestors that left Judaism did have reason to do so. However, they left a pure form of worshiping G_d in order to find peace on earth with people.
May we all have G_d's peace within our hearts with every breath that we take and radiate light to this dark world---if we all try to earnestly behave righteously, not just proclaim to be righteous, then maybe the Moshiach will come.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
My devout Christian brother was so enraged with me when he heard that I was converting to Judaism and also marrying a Jewish man. He said, "You would give up Jesus for the love of a man here on earth?" Maybe G_d wants to emphasize that my conversion was purely His idea by taking all my possibilities of a Jewish marriage away from me. As my brother and a few dear Jewish friends now say, "Just cling onto G_d. Why do you need a man?"
It's been 2.5 years since I've had relations. Frankly I've forgotten that loving feeling, so I don't need a man. Orthodox men can't touch me, so it's unlikely I'll ever have that loving feeling start again.
My journey into Judaism has brought me into a deeper understanding of my dear Grandma Ruth, my father's mother, who was a closet Jew. Now that I'm Jewish I clearly see how she was secretly celebrating Judaism, so no one would harass her about it. My dear friends at my synagogue have taught me about orthodox Jewish loving kindness, mercy, charity, repentance, and peace---not annihilating another Jew, even when they probably deserve my version of hardball.
Yes, I've had cause to want to play my hardball. The Jewish men that have been attracted to me have had major character flaws. My fantasy of meeting a righteous Jewish man to marry is shattered. An Israeli man lied to me for 2.5 years about not wanting children, renovated a home with me that I purchased for us, used me as a vacation spot in Tahoe, broke up with me in a text while I was sleeping when I was returning to get married, and almost immediately got engaged to an Israeli woman who could have kids. She broke up with him after 8 months. An older famous Jew, whose wife was dying of cancer, tried to seduce me. Another older mogul of the Jewish community, who was conservative, continually tried to get me to transgress from orthodoxy, so we could date. An American man who wanted to get betrothed by Rosh Hoshana and married by Simcha Torah just wanted to run businesses under my name and credit and have me be his support in his old age. A man who wanted to be more orthodox broke off his Thanksgiving visit and left me for a women 23 years younger than him---a woman who wanted kids when he didn't. Numerous men have also just wanted me in the wings, so they could tell their moms that they were dating someone.
Many of them said that the Mashiach, Messiah, will come when all the Shabbat candles are lit together, which is a mitzvah performed by women. Well, I do think that the men contribute to this Mashiach issue, too. How is the Shechinah, the column of G_d's light, supposed to descend upon a minyan of Jewish men in prayer if some of their minyan are capable of such selfish, misguided behavior?
Though I'm not sorry for converting to Judaism, it has given me spiritual peace while I'm in the spiritual realm, and made my connection to G_d so strong that He even blew the matches out when I tried to light the Shabbat candles too late last night (I wasn't used to Day Light Savings Time yet). Unfortunately, I am sorry that my Jewish ancestors that left Judaism did have reason to do so. However, they left a pure form of worshiping G_d in order to find peace on earth with people.
May we all have G_d's peace within our hearts with every breath that we take and radiate light to this dark world---if we all try to earnestly behave righteously, not just proclaim to be righteous, then maybe the Moshiach will come.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Narrowing the Field
It became obvious to me that I could not juggle three men and a new job. I needed to narrow down which man was my bashert, my soul mate. The limo guy was being kept away by G_d himself. Who else could prevent a man from making it to a Shabbat dinner with my finest wine and crystal goblets and my friends and family? His limo's coolant hose busted twice to keep him from the dinner! He also lost his license due to health reasons, so our whole summer went by without any contact. I was amazed that he lost 60 pounds after he met me. He said, "I fell in love with you at first sight!"
I rebutted, "There's a lot more to me that what you see."
When I broke it off with him, I just said, "I think that G_d is keeping us apart, and we can't fight G_d." He painfully agreed. He called me in the early morning hours, but disconnected before I could answer.
The fourth match, an MIT-trained naval engineer from Virginia just was difficult with which to converse. He'd get into an oratory and seemed like he spent way too much time with his mom. Having never been married at 60 raised a whole lot of flags, so I finally told him that I didn't think that we were a match and not to waste his time on me.
With the field narrowed, I focused on my third match-maker match, who's name means "Shining Joy" in English. He wanted me to fly to Seattle to visit, but I told him that I was on a tight budget and couldn't afford it. He agreed to get me a plane ticket, so I got a substitute for the extra day that I'd be gone, cancelled my Rosh Hashana dinner plans, and excitedly told my friends about him.
Then he sent me a text telling me that he couldn't arrange the ticket, because I'd be traveling on a non-emergency basis to return to Sacramento for work late of the second Holy Day. "To fly you to Seattle to celebrate Rosh Hashana, to meet, and be welcomed into my community, then send you back prematurely (on a non-emergency basis) would be generally perceived as a very bad choice to begin our life together in Heaven, and on Earth. An I want our life together to be Heaven on Earth. I believe I saw certain coalescent light with scintillation of soft brilliance when I saw you, your beautiful face leading a comet of light. Your hair was shorter, you were eternal, but only as an authentic Torah observant Jewish couple: neither too stringent for you, nor too lenient for me."
"So I cancelled my arrangements and got a sub and your cancelling on me visiting? I'm in a spiritual state of Israel and have been since I was 12 (meaning G_d and I have been communicating since then). If you are in the state of Israel, then you only have to observe one day (not the two days off work in other countries). Though G_d just inspired me with this thought, I wouldn't use this unless I had to. I wouldn't want other Jews to misunderstand and be upset or misled. At least my community completely understands why I'm doing this, since they've watched me work myself to the bone to keep this home on one income.
"Well, I'm terribly disappointed, shamed, and embarrassed at the thought of having to explain this to the people I've told. Not a great way to fall asleep after a hard day."
"If your meriting the love of an upright, good-hearted, G_d-fearing, mature and responsible, truthful, Jewish man, not a worm that eats dirt, for a husband to be so, so to speak, I'm terribly sorry to spoil your plans, and lose face, not to take the word of experienced, living Judaism. Tell them that you are a Jew, and you accepted 613 strings attached to liberation as other like minded warriors. And not make war on your Maker....treat kindly, many with love, few at odds, all. But especially fellow Jews. In your case, there is also pure romantic love, a durable spiritual union, with enough modest carnal desire to keep you fulfilled...., loved, concerned, considerate, and interested, comforted, and consoled as only an enlightened. Like one's dearest friend on Earth saved you from stepping into spiritual danger...but for real. If that's all I was put here to do, not harm, only help, as a Torah observant Jewish man possibly can. I regret your current discomfort. I could not have cared more about you. I still do. I still care. That's what great husbands do. I am sorry you don't understand yiras shamayim, the Jewish doctrine of mutual responsibility. That's everything. Everlasting.
"Together, what happens to you, happens to me too. You're a semi-physicist. We are entangled. Not because we should. BUT because we must. Love came easy. Fear came after. If not now, for you certainly later. That's the frequency. Every time a Jew sins, the Jewish people bear some responsibility.
"Hey, thanks for the mitzvah mister. Hey what's your name? It doesn't matter. Why? You don't undo pairs of photons. Look at one, the other flips. I didn't have to dig all the way to Israel to discover this. Just to hell, and back. I can take on all your financial debt. Just not the spiritual kind of liabilities.
"If this makes sense: honk once. If this makes no sense: do nothing. Marriage is a holy merger. I cannot believe this does not matter to you in the Holy recesses." He kept going on while I was sleeping and probably blew a head gasket waiting for my response.
I finally awoke and quickly replied, "I understand what you are saying. I'm disappointed, but will still keep the possibility of our marriage in my heart. I have just ended all my other male friendships to invest fully in our relationship. I must go to work. I have parent teacher night tonight.
"I was able to get my invitation back for Rosh Hashana, but now have no escort for my late night walk home which worries my host, but I know how to get home without being seen. I did it many times in Tahoe without a walking escort. I had to worry about mountain lions, mountain men, and bears back then. I hope that you recovered from your lack of sleep."
He wrote back, "What's your home delivery? I am going to order 2nd day air delivery of 1) 25,000,000 Volt mini stun gun, and 2) police and bear strength campers' pepper spray. Do you want them in black or pink? ...It is not permissible to carry anything outside of the eruv on Shabbat. However, there is an exception in your case for self protection (pekuach nefesh) for defensive weapons devices. You may also carry firearms, but I hope that you would never need them B"H."
"No worries about buying me weapons. I already have them. I just didn't know that I could carry them on Shabbat. Yom Tov I can carry. We do have and eruv and I created an eruv in my gated community. I took some Matzah to my orthodox neighbors house in here to create the eruv."
"I have a compound bow, too," I added. "I got attacked twice at UC Berkeley, and once didn't go so well. But it got me to get a mace license and take hapkido. My psychopathic brother was a junior state champion wrestler, and I also had to defend myself every day from him. I showed him that I could kick his nose into his brain, so he stopped bothering physically. He tried to abuse me in an e-mail last week. We speak every 10 years or so, so I asked him why he was so abusive? He told me to F-off. Not great emotional composure for a business man. lol It's funny that I can push the buttons of this man."
My shining joy had mentioned that his mom was going in for surgery, so it was a good thing that I was not flying in to Seattle, since he had to fly to New York to see her. So I added, "May you have a safe journey and may Hashem guide the doctors' hands while they operate on your mom. B"H My thoughts and prayers are with you. Make sure that you are with your mom. Mine died suddenly the night before her surgeries due to an error, so I never got to feel the last warmth of her hand and kiss her warm forehead. At least I told her that I loved her over the phone."
My shining joy replied, "I want you with me. All of you. Your depth of goodness always mine, always yours."
"Sounds wonderful. It's comforting to know that there is a human who wants to lighten my load and truly love me with pure love and not pure lust or as a guide to navigate the upper class echelons. Shabbat Shalom."
He added, "My heart comes to rest in your hands. My mind finds peace in your heart. Any all is well in the world knowing how close we are. Shabbat Shalom"
"You warm my heart with your words." I definitely narrowed down the field correctly!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
I rebutted, "There's a lot more to me that what you see."
When I broke it off with him, I just said, "I think that G_d is keeping us apart, and we can't fight G_d." He painfully agreed. He called me in the early morning hours, but disconnected before I could answer.
The fourth match, an MIT-trained naval engineer from Virginia just was difficult with which to converse. He'd get into an oratory and seemed like he spent way too much time with his mom. Having never been married at 60 raised a whole lot of flags, so I finally told him that I didn't think that we were a match and not to waste his time on me.
With the field narrowed, I focused on my third match-maker match, who's name means "Shining Joy" in English. He wanted me to fly to Seattle to visit, but I told him that I was on a tight budget and couldn't afford it. He agreed to get me a plane ticket, so I got a substitute for the extra day that I'd be gone, cancelled my Rosh Hashana dinner plans, and excitedly told my friends about him.
Then he sent me a text telling me that he couldn't arrange the ticket, because I'd be traveling on a non-emergency basis to return to Sacramento for work late of the second Holy Day. "To fly you to Seattle to celebrate Rosh Hashana, to meet, and be welcomed into my community, then send you back prematurely (on a non-emergency basis) would be generally perceived as a very bad choice to begin our life together in Heaven, and on Earth. An I want our life together to be Heaven on Earth. I believe I saw certain coalescent light with scintillation of soft brilliance when I saw you, your beautiful face leading a comet of light. Your hair was shorter, you were eternal, but only as an authentic Torah observant Jewish couple: neither too stringent for you, nor too lenient for me."
"So I cancelled my arrangements and got a sub and your cancelling on me visiting? I'm in a spiritual state of Israel and have been since I was 12 (meaning G_d and I have been communicating since then). If you are in the state of Israel, then you only have to observe one day (not the two days off work in other countries). Though G_d just inspired me with this thought, I wouldn't use this unless I had to. I wouldn't want other Jews to misunderstand and be upset or misled. At least my community completely understands why I'm doing this, since they've watched me work myself to the bone to keep this home on one income.
"Well, I'm terribly disappointed, shamed, and embarrassed at the thought of having to explain this to the people I've told. Not a great way to fall asleep after a hard day."
"If your meriting the love of an upright, good-hearted, G_d-fearing, mature and responsible, truthful, Jewish man, not a worm that eats dirt, for a husband to be so, so to speak, I'm terribly sorry to spoil your plans, and lose face, not to take the word of experienced, living Judaism. Tell them that you are a Jew, and you accepted 613 strings attached to liberation as other like minded warriors. And not make war on your Maker....treat kindly, many with love, few at odds, all. But especially fellow Jews. In your case, there is also pure romantic love, a durable spiritual union, with enough modest carnal desire to keep you fulfilled...., loved, concerned, considerate, and interested, comforted, and consoled as only an enlightened. Like one's dearest friend on Earth saved you from stepping into spiritual danger...but for real. If that's all I was put here to do, not harm, only help, as a Torah observant Jewish man possibly can. I regret your current discomfort. I could not have cared more about you. I still do. I still care. That's what great husbands do. I am sorry you don't understand yiras shamayim, the Jewish doctrine of mutual responsibility. That's everything. Everlasting.
"Together, what happens to you, happens to me too. You're a semi-physicist. We are entangled. Not because we should. BUT because we must. Love came easy. Fear came after. If not now, for you certainly later. That's the frequency. Every time a Jew sins, the Jewish people bear some responsibility.
"Hey, thanks for the mitzvah mister. Hey what's your name? It doesn't matter. Why? You don't undo pairs of photons. Look at one, the other flips. I didn't have to dig all the way to Israel to discover this. Just to hell, and back. I can take on all your financial debt. Just not the spiritual kind of liabilities.
"If this makes sense: honk once. If this makes no sense: do nothing. Marriage is a holy merger. I cannot believe this does not matter to you in the Holy recesses." He kept going on while I was sleeping and probably blew a head gasket waiting for my response.
I finally awoke and quickly replied, "I understand what you are saying. I'm disappointed, but will still keep the possibility of our marriage in my heart. I have just ended all my other male friendships to invest fully in our relationship. I must go to work. I have parent teacher night tonight.
"I was able to get my invitation back for Rosh Hashana, but now have no escort for my late night walk home which worries my host, but I know how to get home without being seen. I did it many times in Tahoe without a walking escort. I had to worry about mountain lions, mountain men, and bears back then. I hope that you recovered from your lack of sleep."
He wrote back, "What's your home delivery? I am going to order 2nd day air delivery of 1) 25,000,000 Volt mini stun gun, and 2) police and bear strength campers' pepper spray. Do you want them in black or pink? ...It is not permissible to carry anything outside of the eruv on Shabbat. However, there is an exception in your case for self protection (pekuach nefesh) for defensive weapons devices. You may also carry firearms, but I hope that you would never need them B"H."
"No worries about buying me weapons. I already have them. I just didn't know that I could carry them on Shabbat. Yom Tov I can carry. We do have and eruv and I created an eruv in my gated community. I took some Matzah to my orthodox neighbors house in here to create the eruv."
"I have a compound bow, too," I added. "I got attacked twice at UC Berkeley, and once didn't go so well. But it got me to get a mace license and take hapkido. My psychopathic brother was a junior state champion wrestler, and I also had to defend myself every day from him. I showed him that I could kick his nose into his brain, so he stopped bothering physically. He tried to abuse me in an e-mail last week. We speak every 10 years or so, so I asked him why he was so abusive? He told me to F-off. Not great emotional composure for a business man. lol It's funny that I can push the buttons of this man."
My shining joy had mentioned that his mom was going in for surgery, so it was a good thing that I was not flying in to Seattle, since he had to fly to New York to see her. So I added, "May you have a safe journey and may Hashem guide the doctors' hands while they operate on your mom. B"H My thoughts and prayers are with you. Make sure that you are with your mom. Mine died suddenly the night before her surgeries due to an error, so I never got to feel the last warmth of her hand and kiss her warm forehead. At least I told her that I loved her over the phone."
My shining joy replied, "I want you with me. All of you. Your depth of goodness always mine, always yours."
"Sounds wonderful. It's comforting to know that there is a human who wants to lighten my load and truly love me with pure love and not pure lust or as a guide to navigate the upper class echelons. Shabbat Shalom."
He added, "My heart comes to rest in your hands. My mind finds peace in your heart. Any all is well in the world knowing how close we are. Shabbat Shalom"
"You warm my heart with your words." I definitely narrowed down the field correctly!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
The Search for My Bashert
Being the former corporate spy I did my research on my new match. He'd given kosher protein bars to an Israeli athlete that could not find kosher ones for her training per an old internet post. He had a webpage that connected local Seattle businesses, too. On Aug. 29th, Shabbat, the visiting ex-wife from Seattle of one of our prominent Torah scholars confirmed that she knew this man and told me that he was a good man. She routinely ate near him at Kiddish on Shabbat. He was very serious and handsome. When I asked why he and his wife divorced, she said that he was controlling, but he'd done some work on that over the years.
Though I did briefly talk to him right before Shabbat, he was trapped in a car carpooling 9 and 10 year old kids who were intently listening. I completely understood. When a parent carpools, they get to hear their kids talk freely with their friends while forgetting their parent is in the car. It's a great time to be innocuous and just listen and learn about your kids; however, if you're the one talking, then the kids get to learn about you! A first conversation with a love prospect would not be the best thing for your own kids to over hear, of course.
Finally on Sunday after Shabbat I looked forward to his call. He ended up at a music festival all day which was a little irritating. Was he really serious about talking with me? Once he returned he carved out a little time for me before evening prayers. I love his Carl Sagan-like voice. He definitely is a man of science. We effortlessly talked during the little time that we had. Our conversation was short and sweet with hope for future conversations, but I wondered if my heart would ever really open up again.
My match makers found yet another match to my surprise. He was on the East Coast in Virginia. He is also a man of science---engineering. He also liked to travel to exotic places. That sounded great! He isn't orthodox though. He also wasn't as attractive to me, and I had no way to find out if he was real. I did my background check on him and found Linkin pages, where he lives, and that all his relatives live around him in Richmond, Virginia. He was probably going to want me to move there should we be a match. I'd give him a chance, at least.
In the meantime, suiter #3 and I talked again. I just felt at ease and the conversation was interesting and flowed. We both had a deep connection to G_d. We both told each other a brief synopsis of our life journeys, as brief as you can be after living over 50 years. We closed on a beautiful note as he had to leave to go pray again at his synagogue.
He texted me late into the night, "On my way home I sat by rippling waters. Still wild geese watched me think about you."
I adored this line and responded, "How beautiful and sweet. Water is such a spiritual conductor and certainly connects us."
"Torah: Jews: water: humans. Erev Shabbat Shalom."
"Interesting. I hope that you had a great day! My students watched me think about you. Erev Shabbat Shalom, too."
"Just about physics: I touched her. She was more light than form. She touched me back. That was all it took to get waves of love to flow back and forth like breathing adoring moments."
Oh, suddenly after reading that my heart warmed. This man knew how to talk to me---in the language of harmonics, my favorite subject in physics at U.C. Berkeley!
"And the wave periods aligned amplifying the harmonic oscillation of the two waves," I quickly responded as my students came into my classroom and stood around me before the bell rang. "What? It's still my lunch break!" I smiled at my students while I texted in front of them for once, instead of them texting in front of me.
Later I texted, "You're very poetic btw. I'm enjoying this aspect of you. My students got into my classroom early, so I hurridly finished my other response to you. I will smile all during Shabbat while thinking of you."
"Let's meet. As a rib taken while I slept. I want to kiss you once before Rosh Hashana. We should be together soon. Hours have passed, since I wrote five other drafts. I just need to know if we are destined for each other's tender embrace. But we can get in our cars, GPS our mutual destination, drive until we meet, rest at peak amplitude, then decide who's driving the rest of the way to paradise. Poetry wax. It's going to be a bumper crop after 34 years of drought. It happens when I turn my attention to you. The feeling is warm as a pulse and deep."
"I haven't written any decent poetry for 10 years. I, too, have been in a drought. I would love to meet you also to see if you are who G_d made for me." Then I proposed how to drive to each other, but ended that it's safest to fly, and we should probably Skype first.
Then he told me that he knew in his heart that I was his bashert and that he wanted to betroth me on Rosh Hashana and marry me before the end of the Holy Days of Tishrei on Shmeni Etzeret.
.
I was uncomfortable with the speed of this betrothal. Once you're betrothed, you are considered married, but you can't touch each other until the actual wedding which could be months or a year or two later. I would have to cover my hair during the betrothal---just like I would when we married, since he's an orthodox man. The hair covering indicates to all other Jewish men that I'm married. I also didn't know much about him or if he really is over being controlling.
He is definitely quite knowledgeable in the Torah and a builder of the Seattle Orthodox community. He definitely is exactly what the Jewish prayer for a spouse requests. He definitely is the front runner of my three prospects.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Though I did briefly talk to him right before Shabbat, he was trapped in a car carpooling 9 and 10 year old kids who were intently listening. I completely understood. When a parent carpools, they get to hear their kids talk freely with their friends while forgetting their parent is in the car. It's a great time to be innocuous and just listen and learn about your kids; however, if you're the one talking, then the kids get to learn about you! A first conversation with a love prospect would not be the best thing for your own kids to over hear, of course.
Finally on Sunday after Shabbat I looked forward to his call. He ended up at a music festival all day which was a little irritating. Was he really serious about talking with me? Once he returned he carved out a little time for me before evening prayers. I love his Carl Sagan-like voice. He definitely is a man of science. We effortlessly talked during the little time that we had. Our conversation was short and sweet with hope for future conversations, but I wondered if my heart would ever really open up again.
My match makers found yet another match to my surprise. He was on the East Coast in Virginia. He is also a man of science---engineering. He also liked to travel to exotic places. That sounded great! He isn't orthodox though. He also wasn't as attractive to me, and I had no way to find out if he was real. I did my background check on him and found Linkin pages, where he lives, and that all his relatives live around him in Richmond, Virginia. He was probably going to want me to move there should we be a match. I'd give him a chance, at least.
In the meantime, suiter #3 and I talked again. I just felt at ease and the conversation was interesting and flowed. We both had a deep connection to G_d. We both told each other a brief synopsis of our life journeys, as brief as you can be after living over 50 years. We closed on a beautiful note as he had to leave to go pray again at his synagogue.
He texted me late into the night, "On my way home I sat by rippling waters. Still wild geese watched me think about you."
I adored this line and responded, "How beautiful and sweet. Water is such a spiritual conductor and certainly connects us."
"Torah: Jews: water: humans. Erev Shabbat Shalom."
"Interesting. I hope that you had a great day! My students watched me think about you. Erev Shabbat Shalom, too."
"Just about physics: I touched her. She was more light than form. She touched me back. That was all it took to get waves of love to flow back and forth like breathing adoring moments."
Oh, suddenly after reading that my heart warmed. This man knew how to talk to me---in the language of harmonics, my favorite subject in physics at U.C. Berkeley!
"And the wave periods aligned amplifying the harmonic oscillation of the two waves," I quickly responded as my students came into my classroom and stood around me before the bell rang. "What? It's still my lunch break!" I smiled at my students while I texted in front of them for once, instead of them texting in front of me.
Later I texted, "You're very poetic btw. I'm enjoying this aspect of you. My students got into my classroom early, so I hurridly finished my other response to you. I will smile all during Shabbat while thinking of you."
"Let's meet. As a rib taken while I slept. I want to kiss you once before Rosh Hashana. We should be together soon. Hours have passed, since I wrote five other drafts. I just need to know if we are destined for each other's tender embrace. But we can get in our cars, GPS our mutual destination, drive until we meet, rest at peak amplitude, then decide who's driving the rest of the way to paradise. Poetry wax. It's going to be a bumper crop after 34 years of drought. It happens when I turn my attention to you. The feeling is warm as a pulse and deep."
"I haven't written any decent poetry for 10 years. I, too, have been in a drought. I would love to meet you also to see if you are who G_d made for me." Then I proposed how to drive to each other, but ended that it's safest to fly, and we should probably Skype first.
Then he told me that he knew in his heart that I was his bashert and that he wanted to betroth me on Rosh Hashana and marry me before the end of the Holy Days of Tishrei on Shmeni Etzeret.
.
I was uncomfortable with the speed of this betrothal. Once you're betrothed, you are considered married, but you can't touch each other until the actual wedding which could be months or a year or two later. I would have to cover my hair during the betrothal---just like I would when we married, since he's an orthodox man. The hair covering indicates to all other Jewish men that I'm married. I also didn't know much about him or if he really is over being controlling.
He is definitely quite knowledgeable in the Torah and a builder of the Seattle Orthodox community. He definitely is exactly what the Jewish prayer for a spouse requests. He definitely is the front runner of my three prospects.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
The Prayer for Finding a Spouse
One of my regular Shabbat dinner guests insisted that I go to the Rosh Chodesh gathering of ladies in the community. We learn Torah and do healing prayers all together by reading psalms and doing public petitions for our loved ones. It's also a time of eating and rejoicing!
When we talked about numerology, I mentioned my precious numerology that I've recently discovered. I nearly drowned in the upper American River when I was 12 years old, the age of Bat Mitzvah, the coming of age of a spiritual woman. The American River is a Mikvah, pure water for spiritual cleansing. So G_d gave me a personal Bat Mitzvah, since I had no idea of my Jewish heritage.
Even more amazing is that 40 years after my personal Bat Mitzvah with G_d, I did an orthodox conversion to Judaism in 1.5 years---very quickly. When the ladies heard my personal numerology, there were gasps. They knew the importance of the American River being a Mikvah, and some had used it instead of the community Mikvah. They also were amazed that it was exactly 40 years of wandering through many religions to find my way home. Only Jews wander for 40 years!
It became apparent to all that my ex-fiance, who was shamed to leave the country and go back to Israel for what he did to me, actually was a tool of G_d's to bring me to Judaism. Perhaps that will save him from G_d's total wrath. His stock has dropped from $12 to $5.5 a share which must have financially devastated him. I did warn my ex-fiance over our years together that G_d takes care of my revenge better than I ever could. I just let Him have at whomever has done me wrong and sit back and watch. Sometimes I'll ask for mercy on the poor person who wronged me, but I have a lot of growing to do before I can do that for my ex-fiance.
Anyway, I've gotten settled into a life of being an island and not putting myself out there to be hurt again. My teaching job is going well, and I've gotten the school to pay me to tutor all the Arab new arrivals in math. These students have no idea that I'm an orthodox Jew, but they realize that I know a lot about Middle Eastern culture. Together we are helping each other. I'm helping them learn English math words and they're helping me keep my home. It's funny how G_d works.
Also, a mutual friend of my ex-fiance and me gave me the Jewish prayer for finding a spouse with the instructions to say it every night for 40 nights. So I have. As usual, G_d listens and the Jewish matchmakers finally found me a third match today. He does look like a man of science and truth. I just have to make sure that he's not a man of judgement. I seem to run into those too much. Should you do one thing wrong that gives them reason to unmercifully react and break commitments. I will just have to have faith that one day G_d will bring me my other half who is somewhere out there. Maybe this match is that man. Maybe it's not. TBD
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
When we talked about numerology, I mentioned my precious numerology that I've recently discovered. I nearly drowned in the upper American River when I was 12 years old, the age of Bat Mitzvah, the coming of age of a spiritual woman. The American River is a Mikvah, pure water for spiritual cleansing. So G_d gave me a personal Bat Mitzvah, since I had no idea of my Jewish heritage.
Even more amazing is that 40 years after my personal Bat Mitzvah with G_d, I did an orthodox conversion to Judaism in 1.5 years---very quickly. When the ladies heard my personal numerology, there were gasps. They knew the importance of the American River being a Mikvah, and some had used it instead of the community Mikvah. They also were amazed that it was exactly 40 years of wandering through many religions to find my way home. Only Jews wander for 40 years!
It became apparent to all that my ex-fiance, who was shamed to leave the country and go back to Israel for what he did to me, actually was a tool of G_d's to bring me to Judaism. Perhaps that will save him from G_d's total wrath. His stock has dropped from $12 to $5.5 a share which must have financially devastated him. I did warn my ex-fiance over our years together that G_d takes care of my revenge better than I ever could. I just let Him have at whomever has done me wrong and sit back and watch. Sometimes I'll ask for mercy on the poor person who wronged me, but I have a lot of growing to do before I can do that for my ex-fiance.
Anyway, I've gotten settled into a life of being an island and not putting myself out there to be hurt again. My teaching job is going well, and I've gotten the school to pay me to tutor all the Arab new arrivals in math. These students have no idea that I'm an orthodox Jew, but they realize that I know a lot about Middle Eastern culture. Together we are helping each other. I'm helping them learn English math words and they're helping me keep my home. It's funny how G_d works.
Also, a mutual friend of my ex-fiance and me gave me the Jewish prayer for finding a spouse with the instructions to say it every night for 40 nights. So I have. As usual, G_d listens and the Jewish matchmakers finally found me a third match today. He does look like a man of science and truth. I just have to make sure that he's not a man of judgement. I seem to run into those too much. Should you do one thing wrong that gives them reason to unmercifully react and break commitments. I will just have to have faith that one day G_d will bring me my other half who is somewhere out there. Maybe this match is that man. Maybe it's not. TBD
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Israel Be Strong and Be Light
With antisemitism on the rise with the call for a boycott of Israeli products even on Facebook perhaps Israel should take a look inwardly. Of course every nation makes mistakes, but Israel is special. It's G_d's country.
In Deuteronomy (Devarim) Moses states in 4:8-10 "And which is a great nation that has righteous decrees and ordinances, such as this entire Torah that I place before you this day? Only beware for yourself and greatly beware for your soul, lest you forget the things that your eyes have beheld and lest you remove them from your heart all the days of your life, and make them known to your children and your children's children the day that you stood before Hashem, your G_d, at Horeb, when Hashem said to me, 'Gather the people to Me and I shall let them hear My words, so that they shall learn to fear Me all the days that they live on the earth, and they shall teach their children.'"
Rabbi David Abudraham (Abarbanel) states in reference to 'entire Torah,' "The key word is entire, for the Torah;s infinite wisdom is recognized only when it is seen, studied, and understood in its entirely."
Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki (Rashi) states, "Only if you remember the laws and perform them perfectly will you be respected by the nations, but if you permit forgetfulness to pervert your proper performance of the commandments, you will be regarded as fools. The Torah is not a grab bag from which one may pick and choose. It is like the blueprint of a complex edifice; unless every part is followed, the building may collapse."
Rabbi Chaim Ben Attar (Or Chaim) states, "So that they shall learn to fear Me. The very fact of the Revelation as enough to implant a sense of awe into the Jewish soul, so that fear of G_d became part of the nature of the Jew.
"Moses implied that fear of G_d is an essential outcome of the study of Torah and contemplation of the Revelation Meditation that does not lead to commitment and action is entirely insufficient."
Israel, it is time to look at your study and at your actions. If they are aligned with the Torah, continue on. If they are not aligned with the Torah, try harder to do better and do Teshuvah (repentance). Unfortunately, the darkness is targeting the light's imperfections. Be strong and be light.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
In Deuteronomy (Devarim) Moses states in 4:8-10 "And which is a great nation that has righteous decrees and ordinances, such as this entire Torah that I place before you this day? Only beware for yourself and greatly beware for your soul, lest you forget the things that your eyes have beheld and lest you remove them from your heart all the days of your life, and make them known to your children and your children's children the day that you stood before Hashem, your G_d, at Horeb, when Hashem said to me, 'Gather the people to Me and I shall let them hear My words, so that they shall learn to fear Me all the days that they live on the earth, and they shall teach their children.'"
Rabbi David Abudraham (Abarbanel) states in reference to 'entire Torah,' "The key word is entire, for the Torah;s infinite wisdom is recognized only when it is seen, studied, and understood in its entirely."
Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki (Rashi) states, "Only if you remember the laws and perform them perfectly will you be respected by the nations, but if you permit forgetfulness to pervert your proper performance of the commandments, you will be regarded as fools. The Torah is not a grab bag from which one may pick and choose. It is like the blueprint of a complex edifice; unless every part is followed, the building may collapse."
Rabbi Chaim Ben Attar (Or Chaim) states, "So that they shall learn to fear Me. The very fact of the Revelation as enough to implant a sense of awe into the Jewish soul, so that fear of G_d became part of the nature of the Jew.
"Moses implied that fear of G_d is an essential outcome of the study of Torah and contemplation of the Revelation Meditation that does not lead to commitment and action is entirely insufficient."
Israel, it is time to look at your study and at your actions. If they are aligned with the Torah, continue on. If they are not aligned with the Torah, try harder to do better and do Teshuvah (repentance). Unfortunately, the darkness is targeting the light's imperfections. Be strong and be light.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
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