When I was dealing with my BRCA 1 issues 10 years ago, I clung onto G_d as a Christian trying to find in Him the strength to fight the error in my DNA and make the difficult decision to preemptively do a double mastectomy which I knew would be the end of my marriage to a boob man. My first love, who was my only male emotional support, told me then that I should be a nun. I was hoping as an orthodox Jew that I could love G_d as deeply as I do and be married. It's not looking likely that that will ever happen.
My devout Christian brother was so enraged with me when he heard that I was converting to Judaism and also marrying a Jewish man. He said, "You would give up Jesus for the love of a man here on earth?" Maybe G_d wants to emphasize that my conversion was purely His idea by taking all my possibilities of a Jewish marriage away from me. As my brother and a few dear Jewish friends now say, "Just cling onto G_d. Why do you need a man?"
It's been 2.5 years since I've had relations. Frankly I've forgotten that loving feeling, so I don't need a man. Orthodox men can't touch me, so it's unlikely I'll ever have that loving feeling start again.
My journey into Judaism has brought me into a deeper understanding of my dear Grandma Ruth, my father's mother, who was a closet Jew. Now that I'm Jewish I clearly see how she was secretly celebrating Judaism, so no one would harass her about it. My dear friends at my synagogue have taught me about orthodox Jewish loving kindness, mercy, charity, repentance, and peace---not annihilating another Jew, even when they probably deserve my version of hardball.
Yes, I've had cause to want to play my hardball. The Jewish men that have been attracted to me have had major character flaws. My fantasy of meeting a righteous Jewish man to marry is shattered. An Israeli man lied to me for 2.5 years about not wanting children, renovated a home with me that I purchased for us, used me as a vacation spot in Tahoe, broke up with me in a text while I was sleeping when I was returning to get married, and almost immediately got engaged to an Israeli woman who could have kids. She broke up with him after 8 months. An older famous Jew, whose wife was dying of cancer, tried to seduce me. Another older mogul of the Jewish community, who was conservative, continually tried to get me to transgress from orthodoxy, so we could date. An American man who wanted to get betrothed by Rosh Hoshana and married by Simcha Torah just wanted to run businesses under my name and credit and have me be his support in his old age. A man who wanted to be more orthodox broke off his Thanksgiving visit and left me for a women 23 years younger than him---a woman who wanted kids when he didn't. Numerous men have also just wanted me in the wings, so they could tell their moms that they were dating someone.
Many of them said that the Mashiach, Messiah, will come when all the Shabbat candles are lit together, which is a mitzvah performed by women. Well, I do think that the men contribute to this Mashiach issue, too. How is the Shechinah, the column of G_d's light, supposed to descend upon a minyan of Jewish men in prayer if some of their minyan are capable of such selfish, misguided behavior?
Though I'm not sorry for converting to Judaism, it has given me spiritual peace while I'm in the spiritual realm, and made my connection to G_d so strong that He even blew the matches out when I tried to light the Shabbat candles too late last night (I wasn't used to Day Light Savings Time yet). Unfortunately, I am sorry that my Jewish ancestors that left Judaism did have reason to do so. However, they left a pure form of worshiping G_d in order to find peace on earth with people.
May we all have G_d's peace within our hearts with every breath that we take and radiate light to this dark world---if we all try to earnestly behave righteously, not just proclaim to be righteous, then maybe the Moshiach will come.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
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