It became obvious to me that I could not juggle three men and a new job. I needed to narrow down which man was my bashert, my soul mate. The limo guy was being kept away by G_d himself. Who else could prevent a man from making it to a Shabbat dinner with my finest wine and crystal goblets and my friends and family? His limo's coolant hose busted twice to keep him from the dinner! He also lost his license due to health reasons, so our whole summer went by without any contact. I was amazed that he lost 60 pounds after he met me. He said, "I fell in love with you at first sight!"
I rebutted, "There's a lot more to me that what you see."
When I broke it off with him, I just said, "I think that G_d is keeping us apart, and we can't fight G_d." He painfully agreed. He called me in the early morning hours, but disconnected before I could answer.
The fourth match, an MIT-trained naval engineer from Virginia just was difficult with which to converse. He'd get into an oratory and seemed like he spent way too much time with his mom. Having never been married at 60 raised a whole lot of flags, so I finally told him that I didn't think that we were a match and not to waste his time on me.
With the field narrowed, I focused on my third match-maker match, who's name means "Shining Joy" in English. He wanted me to fly to Seattle to visit, but I told him that I was on a tight budget and couldn't afford it. He agreed to get me a plane ticket, so I got a substitute for the extra day that I'd be gone, cancelled my Rosh Hashana dinner plans, and excitedly told my friends about him.
Then he sent me a text telling me that he couldn't arrange the ticket, because I'd be traveling on a non-emergency basis to return to Sacramento for work late of the second Holy Day. "To fly you to Seattle to celebrate Rosh Hashana, to meet, and be welcomed into my community, then send you back prematurely (on a non-emergency basis) would be generally perceived as a very bad choice to begin our life together in Heaven, and on Earth. An I want our life together to be Heaven on Earth. I believe I saw certain coalescent light with scintillation of soft brilliance when I saw you, your beautiful face leading a comet of light. Your hair was shorter, you were eternal, but only as an authentic Torah observant Jewish couple: neither too stringent for you, nor too lenient for me."
"So I cancelled my arrangements and got a sub and your cancelling on me visiting? I'm in a spiritual state of Israel and have been since I was 12 (meaning G_d and I have been communicating since then). If you are in the state of Israel, then you only have to observe one day (not the two days off work in other countries). Though G_d just inspired me with this thought, I wouldn't use this unless I had to. I wouldn't want other Jews to misunderstand and be upset or misled. At least my community completely understands why I'm doing this, since they've watched me work myself to the bone to keep this home on one income.
"Well, I'm terribly disappointed, shamed, and embarrassed at the thought of having to explain this to the people I've told. Not a great way to fall asleep after a hard day."
"If your meriting the love of an upright, good-hearted, G_d-fearing, mature and responsible, truthful, Jewish man, not a worm that eats dirt, for a husband to be so, so to speak, I'm terribly sorry to spoil your plans, and lose face, not to take the word of experienced, living Judaism. Tell them that you are a Jew, and you accepted 613 strings attached to liberation as other like minded warriors. And not make war on your Maker....treat kindly, many with love, few at odds, all. But especially fellow Jews. In your case, there is also pure romantic love, a durable spiritual union, with enough modest carnal desire to keep you fulfilled...., loved, concerned, considerate, and interested, comforted, and consoled as only an enlightened. Like one's dearest friend on Earth saved you from stepping into spiritual danger...but for real. If that's all I was put here to do, not harm, only help, as a Torah observant Jewish man possibly can. I regret your current discomfort. I could not have cared more about you. I still do. I still care. That's what great husbands do. I am sorry you don't understand yiras shamayim, the Jewish doctrine of mutual responsibility. That's everything. Everlasting.
"Together, what happens to you, happens to me too. You're a semi-physicist. We are entangled. Not because we should. BUT because we must. Love came easy. Fear came after. If not now, for you certainly later. That's the frequency. Every time a Jew sins, the Jewish people bear some responsibility.
"Hey, thanks for the mitzvah mister. Hey what's your name? It doesn't matter. Why? You don't undo pairs of photons. Look at one, the other flips. I didn't have to dig all the way to Israel to discover this. Just to hell, and back. I can take on all your financial debt. Just not the spiritual kind of liabilities.
"If this makes sense: honk once. If this makes no sense: do nothing. Marriage is a holy merger. I cannot believe this does not matter to you in the Holy recesses." He kept going on while I was sleeping and probably blew a head gasket waiting for my response.
I finally awoke and quickly replied, "I understand what you are saying. I'm disappointed, but will still keep the possibility of our marriage in my heart. I have just ended all my other male friendships to invest fully in our relationship. I must go to work. I have parent teacher night tonight.
"I was able to get my invitation back for Rosh Hashana, but now have no escort for my late night walk home which worries my host, but I know how to get home without being seen. I did it many times in Tahoe without a walking escort. I had to worry about mountain lions, mountain men, and bears back then. I hope that you recovered from your lack of sleep."
He wrote back, "What's your home delivery? I am going to order 2nd day air delivery of 1) 25,000,000 Volt mini stun gun, and 2) police and bear strength campers' pepper spray. Do you want them in black or pink? ...It is not permissible to carry anything outside of the eruv on Shabbat. However, there is an exception in your case for self protection (pekuach nefesh) for defensive weapons devices. You may also carry firearms, but I hope that you would never need them B"H."
"No worries about buying me weapons. I already have them. I just didn't know that I could carry them on Shabbat. Yom Tov I can carry. We do have and eruv and I created an eruv in my gated community. I took some Matzah to my orthodox neighbors house in here to create the eruv."
"I have a compound bow, too," I added. "I got attacked twice at UC Berkeley, and once didn't go so well. But it got me to get a mace license and take hapkido. My psychopathic brother was a junior state champion wrestler, and I also had to defend myself every day from him. I showed him that I could kick his nose into his brain, so he stopped bothering physically. He tried to abuse me in an e-mail last week. We speak every 10 years or so, so I asked him why he was so abusive? He told me to F-off. Not great emotional composure for a business man. lol It's funny that I can push the buttons of this man."
My shining joy had mentioned that his mom was going in for surgery, so it was a good thing that I was not flying in to Seattle, since he had to fly to New York to see her. So I added, "May you have a safe journey and may Hashem guide the doctors' hands while they operate on your mom. B"H My thoughts and prayers are with you. Make sure that you are with your mom. Mine died suddenly the night before her surgeries due to an error, so I never got to feel the last warmth of her hand and kiss her warm forehead. At least I told her that I loved her over the phone."
My shining joy replied, "I want you with me. All of you. Your depth of goodness always mine, always yours."
"Sounds wonderful. It's comforting to know that there is a human who wants to lighten my load and truly love me with pure love and not pure lust or as a guide to navigate the upper class echelons. Shabbat Shalom."
He added, "My heart comes to rest in your hands. My mind finds peace in your heart. Any all is well in the world knowing how close we are. Shabbat Shalom"
"You warm my heart with your words." I definitely narrowed down the field correctly!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Saturday, September 19, 2015
The Search for My Bashert
Being the former corporate spy I did my research on my new match. He'd given kosher protein bars to an Israeli athlete that could not find kosher ones for her training per an old internet post. He had a webpage that connected local Seattle businesses, too. On Aug. 29th, Shabbat, the visiting ex-wife from Seattle of one of our prominent Torah scholars confirmed that she knew this man and told me that he was a good man. She routinely ate near him at Kiddish on Shabbat. He was very serious and handsome. When I asked why he and his wife divorced, she said that he was controlling, but he'd done some work on that over the years.
Though I did briefly talk to him right before Shabbat, he was trapped in a car carpooling 9 and 10 year old kids who were intently listening. I completely understood. When a parent carpools, they get to hear their kids talk freely with their friends while forgetting their parent is in the car. It's a great time to be innocuous and just listen and learn about your kids; however, if you're the one talking, then the kids get to learn about you! A first conversation with a love prospect would not be the best thing for your own kids to over hear, of course.
Finally on Sunday after Shabbat I looked forward to his call. He ended up at a music festival all day which was a little irritating. Was he really serious about talking with me? Once he returned he carved out a little time for me before evening prayers. I love his Carl Sagan-like voice. He definitely is a man of science. We effortlessly talked during the little time that we had. Our conversation was short and sweet with hope for future conversations, but I wondered if my heart would ever really open up again.
My match makers found yet another match to my surprise. He was on the East Coast in Virginia. He is also a man of science---engineering. He also liked to travel to exotic places. That sounded great! He isn't orthodox though. He also wasn't as attractive to me, and I had no way to find out if he was real. I did my background check on him and found Linkin pages, where he lives, and that all his relatives live around him in Richmond, Virginia. He was probably going to want me to move there should we be a match. I'd give him a chance, at least.
In the meantime, suiter #3 and I talked again. I just felt at ease and the conversation was interesting and flowed. We both had a deep connection to G_d. We both told each other a brief synopsis of our life journeys, as brief as you can be after living over 50 years. We closed on a beautiful note as he had to leave to go pray again at his synagogue.
He texted me late into the night, "On my way home I sat by rippling waters. Still wild geese watched me think about you."
I adored this line and responded, "How beautiful and sweet. Water is such a spiritual conductor and certainly connects us."
"Torah: Jews: water: humans. Erev Shabbat Shalom."
"Interesting. I hope that you had a great day! My students watched me think about you. Erev Shabbat Shalom, too."
"Just about physics: I touched her. She was more light than form. She touched me back. That was all it took to get waves of love to flow back and forth like breathing adoring moments."
Oh, suddenly after reading that my heart warmed. This man knew how to talk to me---in the language of harmonics, my favorite subject in physics at U.C. Berkeley!
"And the wave periods aligned amplifying the harmonic oscillation of the two waves," I quickly responded as my students came into my classroom and stood around me before the bell rang. "What? It's still my lunch break!" I smiled at my students while I texted in front of them for once, instead of them texting in front of me.
Later I texted, "You're very poetic btw. I'm enjoying this aspect of you. My students got into my classroom early, so I hurridly finished my other response to you. I will smile all during Shabbat while thinking of you."
"Let's meet. As a rib taken while I slept. I want to kiss you once before Rosh Hashana. We should be together soon. Hours have passed, since I wrote five other drafts. I just need to know if we are destined for each other's tender embrace. But we can get in our cars, GPS our mutual destination, drive until we meet, rest at peak amplitude, then decide who's driving the rest of the way to paradise. Poetry wax. It's going to be a bumper crop after 34 years of drought. It happens when I turn my attention to you. The feeling is warm as a pulse and deep."
"I haven't written any decent poetry for 10 years. I, too, have been in a drought. I would love to meet you also to see if you are who G_d made for me." Then I proposed how to drive to each other, but ended that it's safest to fly, and we should probably Skype first.
Then he told me that he knew in his heart that I was his bashert and that he wanted to betroth me on Rosh Hashana and marry me before the end of the Holy Days of Tishrei on Shmeni Etzeret.
.
I was uncomfortable with the speed of this betrothal. Once you're betrothed, you are considered married, but you can't touch each other until the actual wedding which could be months or a year or two later. I would have to cover my hair during the betrothal---just like I would when we married, since he's an orthodox man. The hair covering indicates to all other Jewish men that I'm married. I also didn't know much about him or if he really is over being controlling.
He is definitely quite knowledgeable in the Torah and a builder of the Seattle Orthodox community. He definitely is exactly what the Jewish prayer for a spouse requests. He definitely is the front runner of my three prospects.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Though I did briefly talk to him right before Shabbat, he was trapped in a car carpooling 9 and 10 year old kids who were intently listening. I completely understood. When a parent carpools, they get to hear their kids talk freely with their friends while forgetting their parent is in the car. It's a great time to be innocuous and just listen and learn about your kids; however, if you're the one talking, then the kids get to learn about you! A first conversation with a love prospect would not be the best thing for your own kids to over hear, of course.
Finally on Sunday after Shabbat I looked forward to his call. He ended up at a music festival all day which was a little irritating. Was he really serious about talking with me? Once he returned he carved out a little time for me before evening prayers. I love his Carl Sagan-like voice. He definitely is a man of science. We effortlessly talked during the little time that we had. Our conversation was short and sweet with hope for future conversations, but I wondered if my heart would ever really open up again.
My match makers found yet another match to my surprise. He was on the East Coast in Virginia. He is also a man of science---engineering. He also liked to travel to exotic places. That sounded great! He isn't orthodox though. He also wasn't as attractive to me, and I had no way to find out if he was real. I did my background check on him and found Linkin pages, where he lives, and that all his relatives live around him in Richmond, Virginia. He was probably going to want me to move there should we be a match. I'd give him a chance, at least.
In the meantime, suiter #3 and I talked again. I just felt at ease and the conversation was interesting and flowed. We both had a deep connection to G_d. We both told each other a brief synopsis of our life journeys, as brief as you can be after living over 50 years. We closed on a beautiful note as he had to leave to go pray again at his synagogue.
He texted me late into the night, "On my way home I sat by rippling waters. Still wild geese watched me think about you."
I adored this line and responded, "How beautiful and sweet. Water is such a spiritual conductor and certainly connects us."
"Torah: Jews: water: humans. Erev Shabbat Shalom."
"Interesting. I hope that you had a great day! My students watched me think about you. Erev Shabbat Shalom, too."
"Just about physics: I touched her. She was more light than form. She touched me back. That was all it took to get waves of love to flow back and forth like breathing adoring moments."
Oh, suddenly after reading that my heart warmed. This man knew how to talk to me---in the language of harmonics, my favorite subject in physics at U.C. Berkeley!
"And the wave periods aligned amplifying the harmonic oscillation of the two waves," I quickly responded as my students came into my classroom and stood around me before the bell rang. "What? It's still my lunch break!" I smiled at my students while I texted in front of them for once, instead of them texting in front of me.
Later I texted, "You're very poetic btw. I'm enjoying this aspect of you. My students got into my classroom early, so I hurridly finished my other response to you. I will smile all during Shabbat while thinking of you."
"Let's meet. As a rib taken while I slept. I want to kiss you once before Rosh Hashana. We should be together soon. Hours have passed, since I wrote five other drafts. I just need to know if we are destined for each other's tender embrace. But we can get in our cars, GPS our mutual destination, drive until we meet, rest at peak amplitude, then decide who's driving the rest of the way to paradise. Poetry wax. It's going to be a bumper crop after 34 years of drought. It happens when I turn my attention to you. The feeling is warm as a pulse and deep."
"I haven't written any decent poetry for 10 years. I, too, have been in a drought. I would love to meet you also to see if you are who G_d made for me." Then I proposed how to drive to each other, but ended that it's safest to fly, and we should probably Skype first.
Then he told me that he knew in his heart that I was his bashert and that he wanted to betroth me on Rosh Hashana and marry me before the end of the Holy Days of Tishrei on Shmeni Etzeret.
.
I was uncomfortable with the speed of this betrothal. Once you're betrothed, you are considered married, but you can't touch each other until the actual wedding which could be months or a year or two later. I would have to cover my hair during the betrothal---just like I would when we married, since he's an orthodox man. The hair covering indicates to all other Jewish men that I'm married. I also didn't know much about him or if he really is over being controlling.
He is definitely quite knowledgeable in the Torah and a builder of the Seattle Orthodox community. He definitely is exactly what the Jewish prayer for a spouse requests. He definitely is the front runner of my three prospects.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
The Prayer for Finding a Spouse
One of my regular Shabbat dinner guests insisted that I go to the Rosh Chodesh gathering of ladies in the community. We learn Torah and do healing prayers all together by reading psalms and doing public petitions for our loved ones. It's also a time of eating and rejoicing!
When we talked about numerology, I mentioned my precious numerology that I've recently discovered. I nearly drowned in the upper American River when I was 12 years old, the age of Bat Mitzvah, the coming of age of a spiritual woman. The American River is a Mikvah, pure water for spiritual cleansing. So G_d gave me a personal Bat Mitzvah, since I had no idea of my Jewish heritage.
Even more amazing is that 40 years after my personal Bat Mitzvah with G_d, I did an orthodox conversion to Judaism in 1.5 years---very quickly. When the ladies heard my personal numerology, there were gasps. They knew the importance of the American River being a Mikvah, and some had used it instead of the community Mikvah. They also were amazed that it was exactly 40 years of wandering through many religions to find my way home. Only Jews wander for 40 years!
It became apparent to all that my ex-fiance, who was shamed to leave the country and go back to Israel for what he did to me, actually was a tool of G_d's to bring me to Judaism. Perhaps that will save him from G_d's total wrath. His stock has dropped from $12 to $5.5 a share which must have financially devastated him. I did warn my ex-fiance over our years together that G_d takes care of my revenge better than I ever could. I just let Him have at whomever has done me wrong and sit back and watch. Sometimes I'll ask for mercy on the poor person who wronged me, but I have a lot of growing to do before I can do that for my ex-fiance.
Anyway, I've gotten settled into a life of being an island and not putting myself out there to be hurt again. My teaching job is going well, and I've gotten the school to pay me to tutor all the Arab new arrivals in math. These students have no idea that I'm an orthodox Jew, but they realize that I know a lot about Middle Eastern culture. Together we are helping each other. I'm helping them learn English math words and they're helping me keep my home. It's funny how G_d works.
Also, a mutual friend of my ex-fiance and me gave me the Jewish prayer for finding a spouse with the instructions to say it every night for 40 nights. So I have. As usual, G_d listens and the Jewish matchmakers finally found me a third match today. He does look like a man of science and truth. I just have to make sure that he's not a man of judgement. I seem to run into those too much. Should you do one thing wrong that gives them reason to unmercifully react and break commitments. I will just have to have faith that one day G_d will bring me my other half who is somewhere out there. Maybe this match is that man. Maybe it's not. TBD
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
When we talked about numerology, I mentioned my precious numerology that I've recently discovered. I nearly drowned in the upper American River when I was 12 years old, the age of Bat Mitzvah, the coming of age of a spiritual woman. The American River is a Mikvah, pure water for spiritual cleansing. So G_d gave me a personal Bat Mitzvah, since I had no idea of my Jewish heritage.
Even more amazing is that 40 years after my personal Bat Mitzvah with G_d, I did an orthodox conversion to Judaism in 1.5 years---very quickly. When the ladies heard my personal numerology, there were gasps. They knew the importance of the American River being a Mikvah, and some had used it instead of the community Mikvah. They also were amazed that it was exactly 40 years of wandering through many religions to find my way home. Only Jews wander for 40 years!
It became apparent to all that my ex-fiance, who was shamed to leave the country and go back to Israel for what he did to me, actually was a tool of G_d's to bring me to Judaism. Perhaps that will save him from G_d's total wrath. His stock has dropped from $12 to $5.5 a share which must have financially devastated him. I did warn my ex-fiance over our years together that G_d takes care of my revenge better than I ever could. I just let Him have at whomever has done me wrong and sit back and watch. Sometimes I'll ask for mercy on the poor person who wronged me, but I have a lot of growing to do before I can do that for my ex-fiance.
Anyway, I've gotten settled into a life of being an island and not putting myself out there to be hurt again. My teaching job is going well, and I've gotten the school to pay me to tutor all the Arab new arrivals in math. These students have no idea that I'm an orthodox Jew, but they realize that I know a lot about Middle Eastern culture. Together we are helping each other. I'm helping them learn English math words and they're helping me keep my home. It's funny how G_d works.
Also, a mutual friend of my ex-fiance and me gave me the Jewish prayer for finding a spouse with the instructions to say it every night for 40 nights. So I have. As usual, G_d listens and the Jewish matchmakers finally found me a third match today. He does look like a man of science and truth. I just have to make sure that he's not a man of judgement. I seem to run into those too much. Should you do one thing wrong that gives them reason to unmercifully react and break commitments. I will just have to have faith that one day G_d will bring me my other half who is somewhere out there. Maybe this match is that man. Maybe it's not. TBD
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Israel Be Strong and Be Light
With antisemitism on the rise with the call for a boycott of Israeli products even on Facebook perhaps Israel should take a look inwardly. Of course every nation makes mistakes, but Israel is special. It's G_d's country.
In Deuteronomy (Devarim) Moses states in 4:8-10 "And which is a great nation that has righteous decrees and ordinances, such as this entire Torah that I place before you this day? Only beware for yourself and greatly beware for your soul, lest you forget the things that your eyes have beheld and lest you remove them from your heart all the days of your life, and make them known to your children and your children's children the day that you stood before Hashem, your G_d, at Horeb, when Hashem said to me, 'Gather the people to Me and I shall let them hear My words, so that they shall learn to fear Me all the days that they live on the earth, and they shall teach their children.'"
Rabbi David Abudraham (Abarbanel) states in reference to 'entire Torah,' "The key word is entire, for the Torah;s infinite wisdom is recognized only when it is seen, studied, and understood in its entirely."
Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki (Rashi) states, "Only if you remember the laws and perform them perfectly will you be respected by the nations, but if you permit forgetfulness to pervert your proper performance of the commandments, you will be regarded as fools. The Torah is not a grab bag from which one may pick and choose. It is like the blueprint of a complex edifice; unless every part is followed, the building may collapse."
Rabbi Chaim Ben Attar (Or Chaim) states, "So that they shall learn to fear Me. The very fact of the Revelation as enough to implant a sense of awe into the Jewish soul, so that fear of G_d became part of the nature of the Jew.
"Moses implied that fear of G_d is an essential outcome of the study of Torah and contemplation of the Revelation Meditation that does not lead to commitment and action is entirely insufficient."
Israel, it is time to look at your study and at your actions. If they are aligned with the Torah, continue on. If they are not aligned with the Torah, try harder to do better and do Teshuvah (repentance). Unfortunately, the darkness is targeting the light's imperfections. Be strong and be light.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
In Deuteronomy (Devarim) Moses states in 4:8-10 "And which is a great nation that has righteous decrees and ordinances, such as this entire Torah that I place before you this day? Only beware for yourself and greatly beware for your soul, lest you forget the things that your eyes have beheld and lest you remove them from your heart all the days of your life, and make them known to your children and your children's children the day that you stood before Hashem, your G_d, at Horeb, when Hashem said to me, 'Gather the people to Me and I shall let them hear My words, so that they shall learn to fear Me all the days that they live on the earth, and they shall teach their children.'"
Rabbi David Abudraham (Abarbanel) states in reference to 'entire Torah,' "The key word is entire, for the Torah;s infinite wisdom is recognized only when it is seen, studied, and understood in its entirely."
Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki (Rashi) states, "Only if you remember the laws and perform them perfectly will you be respected by the nations, but if you permit forgetfulness to pervert your proper performance of the commandments, you will be regarded as fools. The Torah is not a grab bag from which one may pick and choose. It is like the blueprint of a complex edifice; unless every part is followed, the building may collapse."
Rabbi Chaim Ben Attar (Or Chaim) states, "So that they shall learn to fear Me. The very fact of the Revelation as enough to implant a sense of awe into the Jewish soul, so that fear of G_d became part of the nature of the Jew.
"Moses implied that fear of G_d is an essential outcome of the study of Torah and contemplation of the Revelation Meditation that does not lead to commitment and action is entirely insufficient."
Israel, it is time to look at your study and at your actions. If they are aligned with the Torah, continue on. If they are not aligned with the Torah, try harder to do better and do Teshuvah (repentance). Unfortunately, the darkness is targeting the light's imperfections. Be strong and be light.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Sunday, July 26, 2015
The Mitzvah of Returning a Lost Item
Last week I was busy finishing my nesting in my home that G_d will not let me sell. It's been 5 years since I've unpacked my pictures, and I've even got the last room, my office, organized and unpacked. The wild thing was the last box. I didn't even see this box, because it was under the poster that my Tahoe students had made me as a going away gift saying, "Sacramento is lucky to have you!" and many students put little post its with words of love and encouragement.
After I put the poster up on my wall the box was hard to miss. I didn't recognize the box, and my movers had taped is securely shut. I cut the tape with scissors and to my surprise the box was full of my ex-fiance's pictures of he and his first wife! With curiosity I looked through the pictures that I'd never seen before. Was there any hint of this man's cruelty in his youth?
I searched his face to see how I could have been so blind as to be used for 2.5 years for thrills, only to be left by a 57-year-old man, because I couldn't have children anymore and right before my Jewish conversion was complete, so he'd have to marry me. And yes, we did have that conversation that I couldn't have children 2.5 years before. No, this man had no cruelty visible. He was utterly in a selfish, fantasy world. Unfortunately, I had to do the mitzvah of returning this lost item to him, and soon because he was leaving to Israel forever at the end of the month.
Now I know that G_d timed this for me to find this box at this time for a reason, so I decided to go with the flow and follow the moral road and let G_d do what He does best, dish out the consequences. So I wrote a little note on a sticky note and attached it to the box. I always called my ex, "Ahuvi," meaning "My love" in Hebrew said to a man. He always called me, "Ahuvati," meaning "My love" in Hebrew said to a woman. "Lo," means "not" in Hebrew.
"Lo Ahuvi,
Today you have mazal tov.
Lo Ahuvati
P.S. Don't try to thank me."
So basically I said, "You"re not my love, Today is your lucky day. Not your love." Since he has been harassing me by trying to drop my items off one at a time, I've have him on "Harassment Warning." He wants to apologize to me, but I don't want to hear it. How do you accept an apology from a person who basically left you out to sea and never checked to see if you made it safely to shore? Then when I appeared back in civilization alive, he put on the pretense of being a supportive friend in front of others by buying me flowers in celebration of my conversion. No, I would never speak to this man again.
This presented a problem. I didn't want to see him, but I had to return these pictures to him, and it appeared the G_d wanted me to do it myself, since few people liked him after what he did to me. He also had his new Israeli fiance with him. He brought this non-observant, new Israeli fiance to the synagogue two Sabbaths ago to parade her in front of everyone. She really didn't want to be there and didn't know how to follow an orthodox service. They stopped the Torah in front of her for quite some time before she finally figured out that she was supposed to touch it. They never stop the Torah like that! I did have to have 4 shots of whiskey to get through that Sabbath kiddish with grace and a smile.
Then the solution came to me! He's selling his home. He'll probably have an open house on Sunday! I checked online and indeed his home was listed as having an open house then. So I brought the box in to his home which was bustling with people and placed it immediately by the stove where his fiance would probably see it. I quickly distanced myself from the box to remove any connection of it to me and walked through the home like everyone else, except I was making sure that he really was moving to Israel and that I'd gotten all my things back once and for all.
One of his Israeli friends saw me as I passed her and our eyes met briefly. She was stunned and I just smiled in victory. He was leaving the country, because of the shame that he caused the Jewish people over leaving me right as I was returning to finish my conversion.
To keep her from questioning me, I got the real estate agent's attention to take care of one more matter. The night before the infamous break-up text while I was sleeping, I negotiated with my ex-fiance that if I were to move in to his home, then all the pictures of naked women will have to come down, so I can entertain members of our community at the home. Apparently, the real estate agent had also had him take down a lot more than those pictures, but he missed one---the one of the half-naked blond by the master bed that looked like me. So I escorted the real estate agent to that picture and said, "This picture should be taken down. It is offensive during an open house."
Without waiting for his action or reply, I walked out the door. I did my mitzvah of returning a lost item, made my presence known to one of my ex-fiance's friends, and got all the pictures of naked women off the walls without touching anything. My smug smile of success beamed as I left that home where I once had lived and planned on making a life. Now my ex-fiance would have to explain to his new fiance about me and why I would have a box of pictures of his first marriage.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
After I put the poster up on my wall the box was hard to miss. I didn't recognize the box, and my movers had taped is securely shut. I cut the tape with scissors and to my surprise the box was full of my ex-fiance's pictures of he and his first wife! With curiosity I looked through the pictures that I'd never seen before. Was there any hint of this man's cruelty in his youth?
I searched his face to see how I could have been so blind as to be used for 2.5 years for thrills, only to be left by a 57-year-old man, because I couldn't have children anymore and right before my Jewish conversion was complete, so he'd have to marry me. And yes, we did have that conversation that I couldn't have children 2.5 years before. No, this man had no cruelty visible. He was utterly in a selfish, fantasy world. Unfortunately, I had to do the mitzvah of returning this lost item to him, and soon because he was leaving to Israel forever at the end of the month.
Now I know that G_d timed this for me to find this box at this time for a reason, so I decided to go with the flow and follow the moral road and let G_d do what He does best, dish out the consequences. So I wrote a little note on a sticky note and attached it to the box. I always called my ex, "Ahuvi," meaning "My love" in Hebrew said to a man. He always called me, "Ahuvati," meaning "My love" in Hebrew said to a woman. "Lo," means "not" in Hebrew.
"Lo Ahuvi,
Today you have mazal tov.
Lo Ahuvati
P.S. Don't try to thank me."
So basically I said, "You"re not my love, Today is your lucky day. Not your love." Since he has been harassing me by trying to drop my items off one at a time, I've have him on "Harassment Warning." He wants to apologize to me, but I don't want to hear it. How do you accept an apology from a person who basically left you out to sea and never checked to see if you made it safely to shore? Then when I appeared back in civilization alive, he put on the pretense of being a supportive friend in front of others by buying me flowers in celebration of my conversion. No, I would never speak to this man again.
This presented a problem. I didn't want to see him, but I had to return these pictures to him, and it appeared the G_d wanted me to do it myself, since few people liked him after what he did to me. He also had his new Israeli fiance with him. He brought this non-observant, new Israeli fiance to the synagogue two Sabbaths ago to parade her in front of everyone. She really didn't want to be there and didn't know how to follow an orthodox service. They stopped the Torah in front of her for quite some time before she finally figured out that she was supposed to touch it. They never stop the Torah like that! I did have to have 4 shots of whiskey to get through that Sabbath kiddish with grace and a smile.
Then the solution came to me! He's selling his home. He'll probably have an open house on Sunday! I checked online and indeed his home was listed as having an open house then. So I brought the box in to his home which was bustling with people and placed it immediately by the stove where his fiance would probably see it. I quickly distanced myself from the box to remove any connection of it to me and walked through the home like everyone else, except I was making sure that he really was moving to Israel and that I'd gotten all my things back once and for all.
One of his Israeli friends saw me as I passed her and our eyes met briefly. She was stunned and I just smiled in victory. He was leaving the country, because of the shame that he caused the Jewish people over leaving me right as I was returning to finish my conversion.
To keep her from questioning me, I got the real estate agent's attention to take care of one more matter. The night before the infamous break-up text while I was sleeping, I negotiated with my ex-fiance that if I were to move in to his home, then all the pictures of naked women will have to come down, so I can entertain members of our community at the home. Apparently, the real estate agent had also had him take down a lot more than those pictures, but he missed one---the one of the half-naked blond by the master bed that looked like me. So I escorted the real estate agent to that picture and said, "This picture should be taken down. It is offensive during an open house."
Without waiting for his action or reply, I walked out the door. I did my mitzvah of returning a lost item, made my presence known to one of my ex-fiance's friends, and got all the pictures of naked women off the walls without touching anything. My smug smile of success beamed as I left that home where I once had lived and planned on making a life. Now my ex-fiance would have to explain to his new fiance about me and why I would have a box of pictures of his first marriage.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Visions, Dreams, Anthropomorphisms of God
G_d promised to Joel the restoration of prophecy, "After that, I will pour out My spirit on all flesh, and your sons and daughters will prophesy. Your old men will dream dreams, and your young men will see visions." (Joel 3:1) Old women will dream dreams, and young women will see visions due to the line before it which includes sons and daughters.
What's the difference between dreams and visions and why is age the barrier between them? We are involved in dreams---sleep walking and talking---we're participating in a dream. When we have a vision, it's just like watching a movie. We are seeing it in an uninvolved way. We can't stop it or change it.
Why do we only see visions when we are young, but when we are old we are allowed to participate in a dream? When we are young, we have so few references and education that we may join what is revealed to us in an inappropriate way. We are not allowed to participate, because we may innocently do something very dark with our new found gift from G_d and pervert and sin with our gift.
Now my grandma who started me on my spiritual path outside of religion, only had a 4th grade education. She was also chased out of the Catholic church by a priest around that same time when she left school to support her drunkard father. Grandma learned to go into people's minds without their knowledge and make them do what she wanted them to do, and she became a millionairess. As a kid I found this a great way to cheat at Rummy, a card game. You just make your opponents discard the card that you want them to discard. My brother is a CEO and multimillionaire, who's given in to evil, so I can only imagine what he's doing to people's minds. I just stay far away from him.
When I became an adult, I stopped using this mind-control skill with the only exception: I used it last December at the Christmas staff party of a Tahoe high school that ran me out of town for being Jewish. When it was the principal's turn to pick a gift, I made her pick the gift that I chose for her. She walked over, looked at all the presents, picked up the present that I was focusing on and sending to her mind, and it was the worst gift of all! Because I had a little fun and revenge with her, she also got a lighter consequence from G_d than everyone else involved in my harassment. So, that's what we do when we're angry, young, uneducated, basking in darkness, or not wise. Hence, the youth and untrained, naturally-gifted spirituals are only allowed spiritual gifts with huge restraints.
There is an exception to this. Due to the quantity of people who are assimilated Jews with prophetic capability, G_d lures them back. After Grandma was done teaching me how to cheat at cards, G_d gave me visions of who I'd see the next day. These were people that I would not normally see, so it had more impact that I was experiencing a bit of prophecy at 16. As I fell over to the darkness with my spiritual gifts and no religious training, I started trying to manipulate the physical world.
I practiced and practiced with no results for a year. Then at the Big Game between Stanford and Cal in 1982 I was in shock at what I did---I didn't act like a vessel of G_d, I selfishly did something on my own (with G_d's help without my knowledge). The year before my two brothers had razzed me cruelly at the Big Game tailgate party at Stanford when Cal lost to Stanford. This next year, 1982, Stanford and Cal were neck in neck. We had 2 seconds left and I wasn't going to be razzed by my brothers again, since Cal was losing! In the middle, 5th row of the cheer section and with deep emotion I went within myself and visualized an unorthodox way to win the game, since I don't follow football and don't know football plays. I opened my eyes and Cal did everything that I visualized and won the game. Now that play is in the top 10 most famous football plays and is called "The Play."
My mouth dropped open after "The Play" happened, and I dashed out on to the field with our cheer section to scream, "We're number 1! We're number 1!" to the Stanford fans. I learned how powerful my gifts could be in this world, even though I didn't have too much of a relationship with G_d. G_d allowed me to do this to encourage me to selfishly continue honing my abilities, so when I did bother to study G_d's Word and follow His Mitzvot later in life, my skills were so honed that it was like breathing.
My way of learning spirituality is not a recommended way to go about learning how to be in a prophetic realm and alter this world by any means. G_d just wanted me to continue to develop myself and gave me amazing reinforcement by allowing me to alter this world without truly knowing Him. I had no human support system like some spiritual families do.
There is a severe drawback to learning spirituality in an untrained and selfish way. Now that I am G_d's servant, I am paying for decades of being selfish and detached from G_d. I've suffered enormous loss---loved ones dying, millions of dollars disappearing, several health catastrophes, and my heart being broken over and over again by people that I love. My brother who is a CEO and misuses his gifts may never suffer like I am in this world, but he will have no part of the World to Come. My beloved Grandma will be saved by me. We can save our ancestors by being righteous, because they had a part in making us righteous. So prophetic skills are not to be used selfishly and without G_d's Word or practicing Mitzvot.
So why would G_d let me alter the world when I was young, yet only have dreams when I'm old? What is that about? When we're old we don't usually need to part the Red Sea or create a famous football play just to win a game. G_d's made it clear to us that the manna will fall, all our needs will be provided, and if we stray we will pay. We have faith in Him and have a close relationship with Him. He does want us to listen to Him, interact with Him for others as a witness to others in order to strengthen other people's faith, do exactly what He wants us to do or it will be painful, and be His interface here, as well as anything else G_d may want to do with us.
Once G_d trains us with various baby steps year after year, we finally rate spiritual dreams. So we old people will connect all our various gifts that we've learned to use which are appropriate to see and experience that which G_d allows us to see and experience while we are wandering in the spiritual world. We have enough life experience and training to interpret and interact with what we are seeing and participating in.
The only problem is how do we interpret what we see and experience? We interpret what we see and experience with what G_d has taught us so far. Per Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan in Inner Space "G_d can only speak to us in a language we understand and we therefore have a rule: 'The Torah speaks in the language of man.' This means that a physical allegory may be used to express a very profound philosophical relationship between G_d and his creation."
This allegory evolves as we evolve, as well. For instance, when I was a Christian, I interpreted a major dream in Christian allegory. Now that I'm an orthodox Jew, I interpret the allegory of the dream much differently. Each interpretation of allegory is appropriate and valid for that time period, because it's meaning was what I needed at the time, even though it was one dream. G_d knew that I would unfold the depths of the dream as I studied about G_d further and followed His Mitzvot. In years to come, more from the dream will be revealed to me, as I draw closer to G_d. On a macro level the Torah that Moshe (Moses) wrote also reveals to us more as we evolve.
We draw closer to G_d by studying His Word in the Torah. The Torah uses anthropomorphisms, so that we can better understand what we're absorbing. However, G_d has no parts or body, so there is really no physical description of G_d when these anthropomorphisms are utilized. "G_d's eyes" alludes to His omniscience in this world. "G_d's hand" alludes to His power and guidance of this world. He is the master chess player that is letting us chose how to move our pieces while He is moving us to a certain corner.When something smells good to G_d's nose, He understands the bright light of our love, restraint, beauty, dominance and empathy, and foundation. Perverse acts would smell bad to G_d like the acts of Sodom and Gomorrah. When G_d speaks, He is showing us kingship and our boundaries. Though there are many emotions and other anthropormorphisms, we should always remember to not take them literally, since we don't have the capacity to completely grasp G_d's unity while in this world of many parts.
So grow with G_d and Mitzvot all you prophets in training. Bare your iniquity, as I did to know God's Glory. Now is the new age to be ushered in. We must do the work that we're destined to do. We are servants of G_d and need not this world, yet here we are.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
What's the difference between dreams and visions and why is age the barrier between them? We are involved in dreams---sleep walking and talking---we're participating in a dream. When we have a vision, it's just like watching a movie. We are seeing it in an uninvolved way. We can't stop it or change it.
Why do we only see visions when we are young, but when we are old we are allowed to participate in a dream? When we are young, we have so few references and education that we may join what is revealed to us in an inappropriate way. We are not allowed to participate, because we may innocently do something very dark with our new found gift from G_d and pervert and sin with our gift.
Now my grandma who started me on my spiritual path outside of religion, only had a 4th grade education. She was also chased out of the Catholic church by a priest around that same time when she left school to support her drunkard father. Grandma learned to go into people's minds without their knowledge and make them do what she wanted them to do, and she became a millionairess. As a kid I found this a great way to cheat at Rummy, a card game. You just make your opponents discard the card that you want them to discard. My brother is a CEO and multimillionaire, who's given in to evil, so I can only imagine what he's doing to people's minds. I just stay far away from him.
When I became an adult, I stopped using this mind-control skill with the only exception: I used it last December at the Christmas staff party of a Tahoe high school that ran me out of town for being Jewish. When it was the principal's turn to pick a gift, I made her pick the gift that I chose for her. She walked over, looked at all the presents, picked up the present that I was focusing on and sending to her mind, and it was the worst gift of all! Because I had a little fun and revenge with her, she also got a lighter consequence from G_d than everyone else involved in my harassment. So, that's what we do when we're angry, young, uneducated, basking in darkness, or not wise. Hence, the youth and untrained, naturally-gifted spirituals are only allowed spiritual gifts with huge restraints.
There is an exception to this. Due to the quantity of people who are assimilated Jews with prophetic capability, G_d lures them back. After Grandma was done teaching me how to cheat at cards, G_d gave me visions of who I'd see the next day. These were people that I would not normally see, so it had more impact that I was experiencing a bit of prophecy at 16. As I fell over to the darkness with my spiritual gifts and no religious training, I started trying to manipulate the physical world.
I practiced and practiced with no results for a year. Then at the Big Game between Stanford and Cal in 1982 I was in shock at what I did---I didn't act like a vessel of G_d, I selfishly did something on my own (with G_d's help without my knowledge). The year before my two brothers had razzed me cruelly at the Big Game tailgate party at Stanford when Cal lost to Stanford. This next year, 1982, Stanford and Cal were neck in neck. We had 2 seconds left and I wasn't going to be razzed by my brothers again, since Cal was losing! In the middle, 5th row of the cheer section and with deep emotion I went within myself and visualized an unorthodox way to win the game, since I don't follow football and don't know football plays. I opened my eyes and Cal did everything that I visualized and won the game. Now that play is in the top 10 most famous football plays and is called "The Play."
My mouth dropped open after "The Play" happened, and I dashed out on to the field with our cheer section to scream, "We're number 1! We're number 1!" to the Stanford fans. I learned how powerful my gifts could be in this world, even though I didn't have too much of a relationship with G_d. G_d allowed me to do this to encourage me to selfishly continue honing my abilities, so when I did bother to study G_d's Word and follow His Mitzvot later in life, my skills were so honed that it was like breathing.
My way of learning spirituality is not a recommended way to go about learning how to be in a prophetic realm and alter this world by any means. G_d just wanted me to continue to develop myself and gave me amazing reinforcement by allowing me to alter this world without truly knowing Him. I had no human support system like some spiritual families do.
There is a severe drawback to learning spirituality in an untrained and selfish way. Now that I am G_d's servant, I am paying for decades of being selfish and detached from G_d. I've suffered enormous loss---loved ones dying, millions of dollars disappearing, several health catastrophes, and my heart being broken over and over again by people that I love. My brother who is a CEO and misuses his gifts may never suffer like I am in this world, but he will have no part of the World to Come. My beloved Grandma will be saved by me. We can save our ancestors by being righteous, because they had a part in making us righteous. So prophetic skills are not to be used selfishly and without G_d's Word or practicing Mitzvot.
So why would G_d let me alter the world when I was young, yet only have dreams when I'm old? What is that about? When we're old we don't usually need to part the Red Sea or create a famous football play just to win a game. G_d's made it clear to us that the manna will fall, all our needs will be provided, and if we stray we will pay. We have faith in Him and have a close relationship with Him. He does want us to listen to Him, interact with Him for others as a witness to others in order to strengthen other people's faith, do exactly what He wants us to do or it will be painful, and be His interface here, as well as anything else G_d may want to do with us.
Once G_d trains us with various baby steps year after year, we finally rate spiritual dreams. So we old people will connect all our various gifts that we've learned to use which are appropriate to see and experience that which G_d allows us to see and experience while we are wandering in the spiritual world. We have enough life experience and training to interpret and interact with what we are seeing and participating in.
The only problem is how do we interpret what we see and experience? We interpret what we see and experience with what G_d has taught us so far. Per Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan in Inner Space "G_d can only speak to us in a language we understand and we therefore have a rule: 'The Torah speaks in the language of man.' This means that a physical allegory may be used to express a very profound philosophical relationship between G_d and his creation."
This allegory evolves as we evolve, as well. For instance, when I was a Christian, I interpreted a major dream in Christian allegory. Now that I'm an orthodox Jew, I interpret the allegory of the dream much differently. Each interpretation of allegory is appropriate and valid for that time period, because it's meaning was what I needed at the time, even though it was one dream. G_d knew that I would unfold the depths of the dream as I studied about G_d further and followed His Mitzvot. In years to come, more from the dream will be revealed to me, as I draw closer to G_d. On a macro level the Torah that Moshe (Moses) wrote also reveals to us more as we evolve.
We draw closer to G_d by studying His Word in the Torah. The Torah uses anthropomorphisms, so that we can better understand what we're absorbing. However, G_d has no parts or body, so there is really no physical description of G_d when these anthropomorphisms are utilized. "G_d's eyes" alludes to His omniscience in this world. "G_d's hand" alludes to His power and guidance of this world. He is the master chess player that is letting us chose how to move our pieces while He is moving us to a certain corner.When something smells good to G_d's nose, He understands the bright light of our love, restraint, beauty, dominance and empathy, and foundation. Perverse acts would smell bad to G_d like the acts of Sodom and Gomorrah. When G_d speaks, He is showing us kingship and our boundaries. Though there are many emotions and other anthropormorphisms, we should always remember to not take them literally, since we don't have the capacity to completely grasp G_d's unity while in this world of many parts.
So grow with G_d and Mitzvot all you prophets in training. Bare your iniquity, as I did to know God's Glory. Now is the new age to be ushered in. We must do the work that we're destined to do. We are servants of G_d and need not this world, yet here we are.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Second Match Maker Disaster
Dating in your 50's is just fraught with peril. This time it only took two phones and two follow up e-mails calls to know to run like the wind!
My match makers are frum (observant) match makers and apparently they got my second match from a less frum dating site, since no orthodox Jewish man will accept me as a match. Due to being new to all these Jewish dating sites, I didn't really grasp that I might be matched with a Jew that was opposed to orthodoxy.
Yes, we both are extremely spiritual. Yes, I could share my spiritual experiences on the first phone call freely. However, when I sent many pictures of me in Israel with one with my rabbi in the West Bank and one pointing at the Dome of the Rock and wishing it wasn't there on our holiest sight on the planet, that's when the deal breaker occurred. He is a leftist, conservative Jew and thinks that the orthodox Jews on the right are a danger to Israel, since they want to keep the West Bank and rebuild the temple one day. He also started attacking me for my references not being Jewish enough, since I'm a convert. That's a huge violation of Torah to make a proselyte feel that they aren't fully Jewish. Once he had me dumbfounded into silence, he went into a long oratory about Judaism for the next two hours! Great getting to know you talk.
In my rebuttal e-mail I wrote:
My match makers are frum (observant) match makers and apparently they got my second match from a less frum dating site, since no orthodox Jewish man will accept me as a match. Due to being new to all these Jewish dating sites, I didn't really grasp that I might be matched with a Jew that was opposed to orthodoxy.
Yes, we both are extremely spiritual. Yes, I could share my spiritual experiences on the first phone call freely. However, when I sent many pictures of me in Israel with one with my rabbi in the West Bank and one pointing at the Dome of the Rock and wishing it wasn't there on our holiest sight on the planet, that's when the deal breaker occurred. He is a leftist, conservative Jew and thinks that the orthodox Jews on the right are a danger to Israel, since they want to keep the West Bank and rebuild the temple one day. He also started attacking me for my references not being Jewish enough, since I'm a convert. That's a huge violation of Torah to make a proselyte feel that they aren't fully Jewish. Once he had me dumbfounded into silence, he went into a long oratory about Judaism for the next two hours! Great getting to know you talk.
In my rebuttal e-mail I wrote:
"I'm glad that you came into my life, though it can be disturbing to see what I look like from your perspective. I never thought that I'd find someone similar to me, and I realize that you speak from a truthful, unfiltered heart, as well. I do feel that around you I will have to be more careful with my words---guarded, until your honestly is more embraced with mercy. Since we are both on the spectrum, perhaps this is your blind spot. Your approach works well for patients, I'm sure. I'm not trying to be your patient. I'm trying to see if we're each other's love of their life. Our first conversation was spiritual and uplifting and filled with promise. We are so much a like, yet last night, I felt belittled by being categorized as a right wing Orthodox Jew who was really a Christian and enemy of Israel. It's funny how I really only serve G_d. Yes, my ego and my lack of understanding of other forms of Judaism get involved at times, but as I progress in the wisdom that G_d leads me to learn, I'm sure my ego will become less involved and my understanding of Judaism will become more profound. G_d has planned my life with every unique struggle, success, and path. By categorizing me as an enemy to Israel, you've categorized G_d (my creator) as an enemy to the Israel that your ego wants. Remember, if G_d wants Israel to thrive, it will in the way that He wants it to thrive. We are only mosquitoes in his plan. "Man plans and G_d laughs." My hope is that in the future we can again have a more spiritual, uplifting conversation and celebrate our uniqueness, share what we've learned, and respect the other's views in a loving, merciful way. My hope is to learn more about how your day or week went, what Bhakti did lately. Thank you btw for what you have taught me so far. May your next few days be deeply blessed with beautiful blue skies and sunshine and the waters reach out to you to embrace you with G_d's love. May your loved ones also embrace you with their tenderness and love. Happy Birthday! Mazal Tov and Shabbat Shalom, Isolde"
Of course he came back with a detailed rebuttal of his own and even criticized my birthday blessing for him by saying that I was trying to cleanse him of sin in a Mikvah or Baptism. He added that we wouldn't be needing to discuss mundane things like what we did during the week or the cats. We weren't a match.
I was amazed that I couldn't put polite boundaries on a relationship therapist without him breaking up with me. It was clear why he'd never been married. He embraced his unfiltered honesty with no mercy as his strength and didn't see or care that it pushed every love interest away eventually. He also added a strategy of non commitment---dating goyim (women that weren't Jewish), so they'd never be Jewish enough for him, like my ex-fiance did.
In my defense, I explained that I was trying to spiritually energize him with the water reference for his birthday per one of his references of water being a spiritual conductor, not a mikvah or baptism reference for cleansing him of sin. Then I added that this was exhausting and agreed that we weren't a match, wished him "Shabbat Shalom," and ended our match on the dating site.
While I was writing my rebuttal to my failed second match, my jolly, culturally Jewish, limo guy from Marin that could lose 100 pounds called to see how I was doing. He made me smile. He hired my son the day before as a limo driver and told me that he wanted to take care of me. He knew that I was a rich girl that lost her money, and he wanted to make me a rich girl again. I certainly gave the modest life with a religious man a try for 3 years. So what he heck! He earned some "acts of love" points with me.
In that moment I realized how at ease I was with him. He wasn't observant at all, but he loves my spirituality and doesn't mind me being a kosher modern orthodox Jew. I'm going to figure out how not to be his codependent, but help him to be healthy, and we're going to take care of each other like married couples do. We both were married for over 20 years and know the work and communication that it takes to create and keep a good marriage.
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
P.S. To my blog readers: If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960 Thank You!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)