My First Match Making

    Five years ago I left my corporate, mogul husband.  I left the life of a corporate vice president's wife.  I left the fast lane of wealth.  I left the women who had dreams of taking my place, finding out that they had only been his pawns.  I left the parties where I was to uplift all the employees by finding something real and wonderful about each one and conveying it to them in front of their spouses.
    During these last five years I've built different relationships with men.  Some dating friendships I found that I didn't want a man who had many things that owned him and his cash flow.  I didn't want the famous surfer who had a girlfriend and many girls on the side and was always worried about creditors coming after him in the night.  I didn't want the orthodox man who followed all the rules and had no relationship to G_d and never felt real loss.
    Over these years the one thing that I learned is that I don't know how to pick a man for me, so I got a Jewish match maker.  Finally my first match came in and what type of man was it?  It was a more successful version of my ex-husband of 23 years.  Thoughts of how easy that life would be for me to slip into once again.  Maybe since the man was orthodox, I wouldn't have the problem of all the emotional affairs with other women that I had with my first husband.  My corporate mogul brothers would again have a brother-in-law with which to talk business.  My father would be at peace that my beautiful life was reset to where it was originally broken.
    Right after I received my first match before our Holy Days, my oldest brother crushed me with his secret ---he can't be in the sun right now, because his skin cancer came back, so he couldn't climb Mt. Whitney with my son and me after all.  I promised my brother that I'd climb Whitney again with him, since it's on his bucket list.   I also told him that he couldn't die, because he was the only sibling that I liked.  What would I do without him?
    During our Holy Days of Shavuot I prayed often for my brother and the thought came to me about my climbing group for Mt. Whitney:  "Maybe I can give my brother's spot to this new match?  Wouldn't that be an amazing first date---climbing Mt. Whitney together.  Did G_d arrange this, since I had gotten the third spot for my mystery man?"
    When he called, he had a charming voice.  I was very pleased and spoke in my best voice.  He continued, "I don't normally do this, but I'm calling to tell you that there was a mistake.  I had declined you for geographical reasons, but they sent the match to you any way.  When I saw that you'd accepted it already, I wanted to call you and tell you what had happened."
     I could see my stoic face angled in a distant mirror quickly lose its hope and smile and I replied, "How honorable of you."
     "Well, I wish you well."
     "And I you."
     In a whirlwind I dashed to the laboratory to get my annual blood draw to see if I'd gotten cancer and if my ex-fiance gave me any sexual diseases.  I thought about how awful that would have been if I'd gotten involved with this new man, since he was a widower and his wife probably died from what I've prevented in myself---breast and ovarian cancer.  What if I finally succumb to my BRCA 1 gene mutation and get cancer somewhere else?  So far G_d has kept all cancer from me, but how long do I have?  A year or 50 years?  Only G_d knows how long He will keep me here, but I'd hate to make a man a widower twice.  Any way, I was not a match for him.
    Why did he think a phone call was more kind?  Now I've heard his pleasant voice and his care toward my feelings.  Now I've suffered more loss.  This was a kind and honorable version of my ex-husband.  This new man will never know how much of a match that we really are.  Most men make such decisions based on geography, but special people like me are rare.  One day one man will realize that I'm worth the distance and uncertainty for the loving moments and adventures that we'll have together.  I will have to trust that G_d will find him soon for me.


P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!

What Was the Trigger to My Tears?

    For weeks now I've been coming home from a happy day at work with all my rambunctious teenage men and women learning, having fun, confiding in me, and asking me questions about my life. But, once I walk through the doors of my beautifully renovated home, my mood turns to dread and sadness.  Tears start running down my cheeks, and I wonder how am I going to carry on this summer with no students, if I'm only happy when I'm teaching?   Why is it that I cannot stand to be alone now---after living alone with no problem in Tahoe for 5 months with only occasional visits from my fiance?

    With everything G_d weaves our divine providence into a chess game which unfolds suddenly when it is our time to remember and realize.  Last week was the start of the end of this game.  A teacher brought up the Rolling Stones magazine article that was fabricated about rape on college campuses.  It was the first time that I'd heard of it.  I blurted, "Why did they have to fabricate that story when there are so many real cases?"  The teacher prodded me until I explained that I was raped in college and not by some stranger, but by my best male friend from my mechanical engineering classes.

    When I returned home that day I sobbed more than usual.  I'd seen on the TV college panels pledging to do better for rape victims in college and maintain their dignity.  That was such an amazingly progressive step versus my day and age in the 1980's when women's sexual escapades were made public in court and in front of their families in order to prove that the woman was a slut and was asking for it.  We didn't report the rapes, because reporting it victimized us even more.

    Today a student asked me if I ever wanted to kill someone.  I quickly replied, "Yes, my best male friend in college for stocking me for four years."  They inferred what happened after the stocking was finished.  

    Again I returned home and sobbed, but what made my sobbing worse was that my daughter who's a nurse had texted me telling me that my crying when I was alone was not post traumatic stress from my fiance breaking up with me so cruelly in a text while I was sleeping the night before I met with lawyers to save my teaching career, I was just suffering from depression.  She asked, "If it was post traumatic stress, what was the trigger?  I hadn't been shot at like she had been."  

    Actually, I have been in a school shooting, but I let that go, since it was a small thing in my life.  After some thought I realized G_d's unfolding story line.  When I was near my daughter's age, I had begged my parents to let me live alone in a studio at UC Berkeley during my senior year of college.  My parents were very against it, but I really wanted to be away from my sorority.  They had started to officially tell me who my friends could be and no one can do that.  Little did I know that my best male friend had been stocking me for four years and was waiting for an opportunity to be alone with me without room mates.  

     One night, burned painfully into my memory, I let my best male friend into my studio and knew something was horribly wrong once I shut the door.  All my senses told me of his intent. He acted like a cat with a trapped mouse.  The phone rang and my synchronized swimming team member's voice was on the line.  I wanted to scream to her, "Please call the police!  Help me!"  but my best male friend hadn't made any moves yet, so how could I tell my team mate what was going to happen.      

    After I hung up I opened my drawer of silverware and looked at my knives.  A big knife was close to me and I wanted to grab it and kill him before he raped me, but G_d gave me a deafening understanding, "Thou shall not kill."  So I closed the drawer and walked into the other room and what was to happen happened. He said afterwards, "I couldn't imagine life 20 years from now knowing that I hadn't made love to you."

     I didn't tell anyone for years, especially my parents.  They would have made me move back into the sorority.  I did go to counseling when the flashbacks came a year later.  For ten years after college I was always fearful that he'd find me again.  I changed my name when I married just to make it difficult for him to track me, I moved far away from Berkeley, I never lived alone, and I moved often.

    Now my nest is empty, my kids are gone, my name is changed back to my maiden name, and I live utterly alone once again in my hometown, easy to find.  My fiance is long gone and with someone else.  Now I know the source of my tears when I enter my home alone.  It's all connected to that time 31 years ago.  The only other time that I was utterly alone.  However, now I have humane weapons stashed everywhere that don't kill, but allow me to leave safely---just as I have for 31 years.  Now I also know G_d very well and His angels surround me and protect me.


P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!

To the Victims of the Nepal Earthquake and Mt. Everest

     My heart goes out to the victims of the Nepal earthquake, especially those that died doing what they loved and were drawn to do---climb the highest mountain in the world knowing it's a killer, Mt. Everest. It is such a reminder of the danger of our addiction to climbing high mountains. Two died while I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, no one died when I climbed Mt. Shasta, and let's hope that no one will die the day we climb Mt. Whitney. Because I love my children and want to see my grandchildren and my daughter told me the statistics of high altitude female climbers getting more heart attacks in their mid 50's, this will be the last high mountain for me. Hopefully, I'll get her climbed this time. 


smile emoticon



P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!


P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!

Adam and Eve and Teshuvah---Repentance

     A common theme in religion is forgiveness.  Though we are all innately good, we all give in to the darkness which is constantly testing our free will to see if we will choose the lightness or the darkness.  When we do behave badly, we desperately want G_d to forgive us, but what do we do for Him?  We must do Teshuvah---repentance---learn from our mistakes and earnestly try to sin no more.

     It's not like this was invented a couple millennium ago.  It was first mentioned with Adam and Eve.  The snake in the Garden of Eden did much too good of a job tempting Eve and made her think that to be more like G_d she had to eat from the apple from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil to know about good and evil.  Though G_d told Adam and Eve not to eat from this tree, she wanted desperately to be closer to G_d.  G_d just wanted her to restrain herself due to her love for Him, even if it made no sense not to eat the apple.  The snake, however, convinced her that eating the apple was actually the right thing to do to be closer to G_d which is why the snake who was once upright and walking got a terrible punishment of becoming legless and crawling on its belly after that.

     Acting with pure love for her soul mate, Eve convinced Adam to also take a bit of the apple which brought the knowledge of good and evil into both of them.  That was when G_d finally stepped in after the test of their free will went horribly wrong.  He asked Adam about their misbehavior and Adam replied, "The woman that You gave to be with me, she gave me what I ate from the tree." (Genesis 3:12).  Adam did not take any responsibility for his sin.  Eve, on the other hand, admitted that the snake seduced her and was more humble about her bad choice in the matter.

      Then comes the next generation---Cain, the bad, and Able, the good.  It was very important for this tragic relationship to occur to teach Adam about Teshuvah.  Adam's teacher was none other than Cain, believe it or not.  Yes Cain made a very bad choice and killed his brother Able, but when G_d questioned Cain about his brother's death, Cain explained that his sin was too great to bear.  He took ownership of his sin, confessed his sin and repented---performed Teshuvah.  For this G_d did not sentence him to death, but gave Cain a lighter sentence.

       When Adam saw that Cain returned alive after his judgement from G_d, he reflected upon his actions when he was asked by G_d what had occurred with the apple.  He wondered what would have happened had he accepted fault for his choice to bite the apple.  He wondered if G_d would have forgiven him then.  He became repentant.

       Which is why immediately after the story of Cain and Able the Torah states, "Adam knew his wife again and she gave birth to...Seth" (Genesis 4:25)  Then the bible restates, "On the day that G_d created man, He made him in the likeness of G_d.  He created them male and female.  He blessed them and named them Man (Adam)" (Genesis 5:1-2).   Per Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan in his book "Inner Space," "By knowing his wife again, Adam was showing that his repentance was complete.  He was now ready to receive the blessing of being like G_d by uniting with Eve.

       "It is for this reason that the Torah is able to write in the very next verse: 'Adam lived 130 years and he had a son in his likeness and form whom he named Seth' (Genesis 5:3).  According to tradition, Adam was totally depressed in the wake of his sin for all of 130 years.  It is only after he saw Cain repent that he realized his mistake and was able to elevate some of the sparks of holiness that had fallen as a result of his sin.  By stating that Seth was born in Adam's likeness, the Torah is indicating that he was on an extremely high level.  In the language of the Midrash, Seth was born circumcised just as his father had been before the sin.  We are being told that, to the extent that it was possible, Adam and Eve were able to rectify what they had done wrong.  Their Teshuvah was thus the human parallel to the Tikkun-Rectification of Atzilut."


P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!

The Art of Turning A Drug Dealer to a Legit Life

    One of my students finally returned after a few weeks of absence due to strep throat and told me that he was not going to be doing anything today, because he was feeling bad and wanted to be up front with me.
     I, of course, asked, "Why?"
     Without hesitation he confided, "One of my good friends got shot to death yesterday."
     "You know that you've got to get away from that life," I gently scolded since he is the biggest drug dealer at the school.  "At JobCorps there was this student from the gangs of Stocton that was so scary that none of the JobCorps teachers would teach him.  Four of his brothers were in jail for murder.  I saw that he was a leader, not just a thug, and taught him to lead for good, and he passed high school math for the first time under my tutelage and got his high school diploma.  He had bullet holes in one of his shirts from a day when a lot of his friends were killed.  He left his gang and chose a different, legit life."
      "My uncle is also in jail for murder, and I already got out of my gang."
      "Well now you've got to get away from your friends, because they're just going to drag you down and aren't going to be happy about your success.  You've got to go to college and study business, because you're wonderful at delegating and running a business."  (In reference to the fact that all the administration has been watching him, and he's never been caught.)
     "Yeah, I'm good with numbers.  I definitely am going to college and studying business."
     "Well you have a lot going for you.  Just stay out of trouble."
     Just as I finished those words of advice, the head of campus security came in to get after him for selling drugs at break.  No one, of course, could pin down how he did it, but a huge girl fight arose over money right at the end of break---indicative of deals having been made.
     When he came out of the interrogation, he actually hung around me the rest of the class as I helped his female friend finish up her oak chest's 45 degree cuts.  It was nice to start to slowly turn someone from a future of taking life to one of living a legit life again.


P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!

The Third Climber for Mt. Whitney

     Well, I've got our third person to climb Mt. Whitney. I did have to do some heavy encouragement, since he's been in mountaineering retirement and didn't feel up to the challenge. But, I told my son, so many stories about how my brother and I would get lost in the woods together or sprint too fast down the mountain for my unprepared boyfriends or get chased by a herd of cattle while wearing red backpacks. The third person had to be my oldest brother, smile emoticon He saved my life once by pulling me from the Upper American River when I was drowning, so I wouldn't be climbing any mountains if it wasn't for him!


P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!

Training Day on Training Hill at the North Fork of the American River

   When my son and I climbed Mt. Diablo two weeks ago, it took me about 5 days to not feel any sore muscles.

    Realizing that I was in terrible shape, I googled the hardest trail near Sacramento and found that Training Hill at the confluence of the North Fork of the American River was the spot to take my son and continue to improve our climbing strength.  It is 1000 feet of straight up!!! The reward is the beautiful meadows shaded by Oak trees.  We had a lovely hike and continued on the Olmstead and Western Loop trails.  The wildflowers were spectacular!

P.S.  To my blog readers:  If you want to support a struggling math/engineering teacher and author, please buy my first book, "The Romance of Kilimanjaro," soon to be followed by my second book at:  https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781613464960         Thank You!